What Do You Know (You’re Just a Kid) Ch. 18

Before we go forward with today’s exercise, I have to say that at this point . . .
I’m not even sure if this is from me to you anymore.
I’m not sure if this is me speaking to you from the heart or if this is me speaking to myself.
If anything, at worst, this is honest.
I know this is from the heart and yes, this is something I wished that someone else was brave enough to tell me. This way, I would know that I am not the only one.
I’m not alone.

I don’t know if this is for me or you or if this is something that I want to send out into the universe with hopes that somewhere, somehow, some kid finds this and marks this down as helpful.
Maybe this will be the right thing for someone to read at either the right or the wrong time.
But, rather than sink or submerge into the swamps of their own mind, maybe this can offer a moment of understanding to someone who needs the push.
Perhaps this can inspire a personal uprising; whereas, in the case of Life vs Life or us against ourselves, when we find ourselves at the moment of realization and decide to move beyond the impasse of our life; and when we decide at the crossroads and pick a direction; we can come to the split or fork in the road; whereas, one path is common and the other is less-traveled. And it’s here where, like it says in Frost’s poem: we can be free to choose the path less-traveled.
My aim is pure and true.
My hope is that in the face of decision, somewhere, there is a young spirit out there, just waiting to be found or inspired.
My hope is this will reach that kid who would otherwise see themselves as unwanted or undeserving. My hope is that somewhere, somehow, a person of an unknown value will find this – and rather than sink to their own submission, or quit, or die by their own hand, which could either be figuratively or literally; my hope is this finds them at the right time. Hence, they decide to rise or stand and be counted instead of sinking to their own abyss.

At this point . . .
I would have to say that my biggest regrets in life are not about the things that I have said or done. No.
This is more about the things that I never dared to try.
Of course, I have moments of regret. I have memories and sins and secrets and crimes that are unavoidable and someday I will have to answer for this.
No one escapes the taxman when it comes to things like this. Not even when the taxman offers an extension or some kind of temporary or momentary forgiveness because like any other loan shark on the street – the juice is always running and the interest alone can bury a man alive, even after he’s dead.
At this point . . .
I have to change directions. This is not about the taxman nor is this a script on how to cop a plea.
No, this is not about the acts of regret.
No, this is about the lack of action which leads us to regret.

This is about the times when I allowed myself to surrender to the invisible enemies in my head. This is about all the things that I allowed to go unsaid.
This is about the times when rather than claim my place in the circle, I allowed myself to believe in my doubts over my strengths.
I allowed myself to be the one who, at best, could only look in from the outside; as if to always and forever be the so-called outsider. Rather than dare or try or allow myself the rites of passage of a young man who chose to live, I denied myself of a life I deserved.
Please do not do this.
I denied myself the things I wanted most for myself, and thus, I turned inward, swiveling down the spirals of a life that was flushed away, or wasted down the drain and, at best, I could only be rejected or expelled, or elsewise, I would only be abandoned in the waste of an emotional cesspool or discarded, like trash, floating in a sea of waste or excrement. . .

This is what happens when you quit on yourself.
This is what happens when you wake up and look back and say, “Shit, why didn’t I do something when I had the chance?”
This is what takes place when you recognize the truth and realize that it wasn’t the extenuating circumstances that got in your way and no, it wasn’t the hurdles of the obstacles or the challenges you faced and no, it wasn’t the opposition or the people against you or the people who you swore would hate you or hurt you.
No.
This is what happens when you look back at the mark of realization and recognize that you could have saved yourself years of pain. You could have taken a shot, but you chose not to.
This is what happens when you find out that your personal despair is self-inflicted and then you see yourself clearly. You realize that in the battle of You against You; you lost and that you could have saved your own life years ago.
You could have done anything, if you only gave yourself the chance to take the leap.
But you didn’t.
Should you find yourself here at any point in life, just know that this can fixable.
I cannot say that everything lost is salvageable but you can start your life over – especially, now or when you find yourself wishing you did something about this “then,” which is when you had the chance the first time.

I can remember when I first read the quote from Karen Lamb:
A year from now, you will wish you had started today.
I can relate to this.
I love these words and whether the quote has changed or if this has been paraphrased or whether the intention and my interpretation are not equal or if I am on the mark, and this is totally the same – the quote is true.

I am a person with a past which makes me no different, no better or worse, or more special or deserving than anyone else in this world.
I am a person who, like you, resides down here on Project Earth.
However, it is my past and my experience that has shown me the way. Albeit late, sometimes, I agree. I’d rather be late than to have never shown up at all.
It is my past and my experiences which I offer to you here, as in right here, and with hopes that whether we are alike or not, or whether we agree or not; none of that matters to me now.
The only thing that matters to me now is life.
This life. Mine and yours; the seconds that tick, the hands that round the clock and the breath in our lungs or the breaths that cease to exist.

I can speak from experience when I say that yes, I do know what happens when we waste our time.
I have wasted plenty.
I know what happens when we waste our talent or lose it, due to a disbelief in self.
I can speak from experience and say that I understand what it means to want and to wish and to hope and to need.

I can also say that I know what it means to starve myself or to cut my nose off to spite my face.
I’m sure we all know about this.
I can say that, of course, I speak from experience when I tell you that no one in the world is going to advocate for you, at least not the way that you should advocate for yourself.

No one is going to take care of you or nurture you or your thoughts or your hopes, your dreams, and no one in the world is going to see the importance of your life and your desires the way you will.

And should you ignore yourself or should you allow yourself to slip away or to sink into the empty seas of melancholia or slip into the abyss of sadness or drown in your own surrender, then yes, life goes on without you.
Please, don’t let this be the case.
Yes, nothing so great or adventurous takes place in a life like this. There are no visceral highs or moments on the mountaintop. There are no experiences of crossing the finish-line or tasting the sweet nectar that comes from the fruits of your labor. To be clear, if you quit or if you continuously give up your rights to your own pastures; then there are no fruits – at least there will be nothing wholesome or tasty enough to allow you to feel the pride of ownership; at least not without downplaying this by ways of constant comparison and the critical judgments which take place in our heads.

A year from now . . .
I might be someplace else. I might be sitting on a ranch somewhere, say, perhaps in Sicily, and feeling the winds as they blow through my hair.
I’ve never been to Sicily.
I’ve never been anywhere on the other side of the world.
I have not been to the Amalfi Coast or to any of the other shores that I have dreamed of.
At least . . . not yet.

A year from now . . .
I might be someplace else. I might be sitting behind a desk in an office with my name on the door and a manuscript that is about to reach the next level.
A year from now . . .
I might be somewhere else.
I might be walking into the gymnasium of a school or some great hall in some college and there I’ll be, standing on a stage, opening myself up to a roomful of young people hoping with all of my heart and looking to impress upon them that my wishes for them are as follows:

How does it feel to be lied to?
How does it feel to be played for a fool?
How does it feel to give in to manipulation?
How does it feel to be led astray or misled and misinformed?
Better yet, how does it feel to know that this is only a burden of self?

How does it feel to live in a life or a body or to be someplace where deep down, you know you don’t fit and even deeper, you know that you want more for yourself – and as you look around to find yourself in the confines of an unacceptable place or life or with unwanted people and living in accordance to a life that is underserving of your attention – how does it feel to realize that your biggest enemy could also be your best friend?
And that’s you.

I ask this because no one will ever speak to you more than you speak to yourself.
I mention this because after all the fits and fights and after years of arguing with yourself or overthinking what you’ve already done, and as you find yourself wishing for more (or to be better), you are going to come to a moment of realization.
Your eyes are going to open up and be wide like the moon in the sky when its full and bright.
No one can ever stop you from improving yourself.
No one can stop you from advancing from where you are and keep you from going to where you want to be.
This doesn’t mean that there will always be a cheering squad.
This does not mean everyone is in your corner or that anyone is going to help you.

Of course, there will always be opposition. There will always be adversity. There will always be excuses and reasons and there will always be a way that we can rationalize or forgive our own laziness.
Of course, there’s always an excuse.
But guess what . . .
Excuses never helped anyone complete their tasks.
Excuses never built an empire.
No, but they have allowed castles to turn to sand and be nothing else but washed away by the waves and drowned at sea.

I cannot remove what happens or what takes place, nor can I explain why bad things happen to good people; or vice-versa, I don’t know why good things happen to bad people.
But either way, that’s none of my business.

Maybe this is just a note.
Maybe no one cares and maybe no one will find this (or be inspired).
Maybe this is more for me than it is for you and as a reminder, I look back at where I have been. I think of my successes and moments that were nurtured.
I think of how I’ve grown and how far I have come.
I think of my opposition. I think about my adversity.
I think of the valuable things which I took for granted and how they eventually became worthless – because of me.

I believe in ownership.
I believe in accountability.
I believe that yes, regret is biggest when we think about the things that we never dared or tried when meanwhile, deep down, there was a voice within us that screamed as loud as ever; however, we were too busy listening to the whispers of our doubts which became louder than any scream or louder than any hopeful or helpful words of encouragement.

Listen to me now . . .
At some point, you can wake up and look back.
You can allow yourself the rites of passage that you missed or, if you would prefer, you can rewrite your script – starting right now.
You can start over. You can change your mind.
You can repave your pathway and head down the road less-traveled and with a full and satisfied heart – you can find yourself at the end of the day and before you rest, you can look yourself in the mirror and come to a constructive conclusion.
You can give yourself the applause you deserve because faults and all, weaknesses, or weak-kneed and tired or as beaten as you might be, at least now – you’ll know that you never quit.
You never gave up. “They” never broke you.
But more, you never chose to forfeit your freedom (or your mind) over to the powers of some invisible enemy that no one sees
(but you).

Today is a good day to stand up and be counted.

If I must do it alone – then so be it.
Besides, there’s nothing in front of me but air and opportunity –
Anything else is really just a distraction in my head.
Right?