If you know, then you’ll know. And if you really know,
then none of this will come as a shock or a surprise to you.
But if you don’t know or if you won’t know
then maybe you can’t know.
Maybe this is impossible for you to grab the concept
of a life like this
But maybe I can help.

Allow yourself to go there, and follow along.
Try . . .
use this as an exercise and allow your mind
to slide into a vision with me.

Talk about chaos . . .
there is none like the ones you see
when swirling lights
flash around
or sirens come
or you see someone you love
as they’re lifted into an ambulance
and taken away.

Anger . . .
What better way to express chaos
or what better way to self-destruct
or to explode or implode
or to be more defined;
what better way is there to lose control
by trying to control
the uncontrollable?

I admit this might be a bit much,
but, to be clear
the title of this journal
is called The Book of Chaos
and so . .
in fairness to the topic, yes
I think that both love and lust
and the interchangeableness
of the two
can be enough to drive anyone crazy.

And, so . . .

More than anything else in this world,
I just want to be good.
I want to “be” someone, you know?
I want to mean something
to someone and more than this,
I want to be beautiful.

I want to be pure
like a child when they see something new
or when a child plays or laughs or smiles,
innocently,
as if to have never been burned
by the edges of real life; or better,
I want to be pure in the sense
that I am me and as raw as I am
to the sight or to the touch,
or as imperfect as I may be,
I want to be beautiful
as if to be forever unmarred
or never marked and unmolested,
or removed from the version of sin or stigma
or judgment and so on.

I was thinking about the lyrics from a song,
which say so much
when it comes to matters of the heart
or love, or about the way we mess up
or ruin love
or ruin the best things we have.

I stand here, guilty as changed
and convicted, equally and dually noted
and sentenced.

 Sometimes . . . .
I suppose it should be enough
to just sit still, you know

As in to sit quietly and just
listen to the emptiness of nothing
or to be someplace, like,
say by the side of a lake somewhere
which is a real place to me
off Seven Lakes Drive,
which is up by Sloatsburg, New York.

As it is, the world is a crazy place.
Therefore, as it is,
we all need to find a place,
or a refuge of some sort,
or way, a means to an end,
or to find some kind of balance,
in an unbalanced world,
which is why I am here.

This is my art.
And this is my inspiration.
This is all that I have and
I can say that I have given far too much of myself
but at the same time,
what is art without pain
or a little blood from the heart,
or what is music
without blues for the soul?

What is chaos anyway?
Let’s start this off with a basic definition –
Chaos, what is it?
Well, the dictionary says
it’s a state of confusion or wild disorder.
At least, this is what the dictionary tells me.

I think this goes further though,
and yes, I think that a state of confusion
or wild disorder is close enough. But no,
I think there’s more to it.

It goes this way. Life, I mean.
And there are times which come without reason
or without any sort of explanation.
And there are times when we freak
out or lose our cool
or in my case,
I lose my head, and yes,
we do things
that are against our best interest.

And we know this is wrong.
We know it as we follow through
just wishing we could stop ourselves.

But, we hit the trip wire and then boom
love goes up in a burst of flames
and the battlefield is drenched
with innocent bystanders,
or otherwise known as
the person you love the most.