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True Character

Not all is lost on the old days. Or maybe it would be better to say that not all of my old ways were bad. Instead, I have learned to merge my older patterns with the newer edition of life. At one point, yes, I lived differently. Perhaps some would call this growth. On the other hand, I just call this being me.
I understand when people say there is no honor amongst thieves. I’ve heard this before. I have also heard long winded lectures and hard-to-listen-to diatribes from different people in my life.
I don’t think I am alone with this. I think this is part of growing up. I think this is part of life because there is always someone coming around here, trying to say how to live, how to do things or how to be. They say this as if they are the perfect authority. But no. They’re not.

Everyone is playing a game with their suggestions. This of course is their projection of their beliefs and their opinions. And this is fine too. This is not always bad either. There is always a lesson somewhere. Some of the lessons are useful and some are painful but either way, we learn. Right?

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My City

There are things we see, which do not make sense all the time. I suppose we can call this life. I suppose we can chalk this up to experience. And life is filled with this; experience, I mean. This is what makes us the people we are. Where we come from and where we lived, how we speak, our accent, or our common terminologies, this is us.
And me, well, I am a New Yorker.
In fact, I am proud to be a New Yorker. I love my city. I’m grateful for all the experiences I’ve shared here. I’m grateful for the late nights and downtown scenarios, which were crazy and wild.
I was young once. I was hopeful and yet often tameless. Still though, the city accepted me as I was (even if I didn’t).
I recall my late night strolls. I remember walking by myself and wondering if I was anywhere near the places that some of my favorite poets lived. I wondered if I could ever be like them. Could I be inspired like them or wild like them? Could I inspire people the way they inspired me? Good or bad, crazy or not, somehow; I always wanted to paint a picture with words. 

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Are You Ready?

I go back to the lesson I was taught about the animals in the forest. I go back to the idea about the deer when hearing a sound and how the deer runs for safety.
Eventually, the deer finds safety and stops running. Eventually, the deer goes back to whatever it is that a deer will do. By the way, this is how the deer survives danger.
The difference between us is interesting. As the superior species, we too have our own survival instinct. However, the difference between us and the deer is we cling to our fear. We live in the past.
Animals go back to doing whatever it is they do. But us, not so much. Unlike the other animals in the animal kingdom, we hold the fear. We hold the anxieties. We tense up. We react or respond in the future with preemptive strikes to protect us or defend ourselves from the elements. We assume. We form biases and prejudices.
We think way too much. Meanwhile, the deer, the rabbit or the little bird that flew away because something dangerous came too close; they go on with the rest of their lives. But us, not so much. We live in the past. We live in our memories and the unresolved tensions or previous traumas and unwanted outcomes.

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A Call to Arms

It amazes me the way people think and react. I am amazed at the way people react to subjects they find uncomfortable. I suppose it would be easier to deny something than it is to admit it exists.
Instead, we hear things like not in my house. Or, not in my backyard. I suppose it would be easier to turn a blind eye or look the other way.
Over the years, I’ve listened to parents tell me how they know everything about their child. I’ve listened to this in emergency rooms too, —especially after being deployed to an overdose. In one case, the overdose was actually a suicide attempt. I listened to a mother deny this. She refused the information even after her son explained this. She denied that her son tried to kill himself and then argued that her son’s overdose was accidental. 
Untrue.

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I Am Me

I am me. I will always be this, the same as you will always be you. I was born. I grew. I lived and I learned. This is the case for us all however, I am me. 
I say this not as a challenge or to compare myself to anyone else. Instead, I say it this way to claim one undeniable and empowering fact. I am me. I say this because all too often, we come at ourselves from a place of judgement. I say this as a means of celebration, which unfortunately most people do not do this for themselves. So, therefore I say it again. I am me.

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Here It Comes Folks

This quick recording of my thoughts are nothing more than a record of my thoughts. Today, I am faced with my own thoughts on the rebuild of what we call our society. And here we are, facing a new morning sun. The weather is improving and the northern hemisphere is leaning in, closer to the sun. I like these months ahead of us. However, I admit there are challenges ahead.

There is, of course, the new rebirth of our country, let alone, my City. I am watching this rebirth grow on a daily basis. I‘m not sure what this means or how long this will take, but still, slowly but surely, I’m seeing more life in the City.
I’m seeing more people in the streets. I’m seeing a resurgence of life, so-to-speak, which I hope to see improve more and more on a daily basis. 

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Nostalgia (with no apologies)

Maybe this has something to do with the time of year. Perhaps the approaching month of June is a trigger that inundates me with a flood of memories. They stream to me, live and in-color, the days from way back when. There was a time that was not so long ago, but yet, everything seems long ago now. Yesterday seems like last week. In fact, last week can seem like last month and last year, well. to be honest; last year was here a minute ago. I swear. Now it’s gone. Amazing, right? Time pulls off a trick like this. Age comes whether we bargained for this or not. Maybe this is why I find myself embracing these tiny segments of my life. I find myself triggered and then instantly, I think of where I was or where I might have been, like say, precisely at this time and on this day, thirty-some-odd years ago.

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Look Ahead

I talk a lot about freedom. I talk about the freedom from self and the freedom from a life which is governed by criticism. I see us all as capable prisoners. We are prisoners to the different systems of control, the criticisms, the critics, and often, we live our life looking in the rearview mirror instead of looking ahead.
Before going forward, I want to reach out and say the paragraphs going forward are not about God, Himself (or Herself either. I don’t want to create any pronoun trouble). Instead, I am quoting something that I had read before. I am not subjecting anyone to my beliefs nor am I pushing the “God” thing on anyone. Not at all. But I do use two quotes below which I use for reference only to bring a sense of understanding.

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Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged. . .

I truly believe there are more of us than there are of them. And I used to see things this way, life, people, and the interaction between us and them. I used to think about the different divisions of crowds. I’d think about the different regimes of popularity and the flavors of the crowds.
There are billions of people in this world. None of us are absolutely identical. We all have our similarities but yet, everyone of us alive has our own personal uniqueness. This is what makes us who we are.
I truly believe, however, that there are more of us each day who find that life is a hard place to be. There are those who have struggles in life. There are more of us than there are of them. Yet, there is this line in the sand that no one dares to cross or even acknowledge. There are these terms, which no one dares to address. There are words we use to define one another. There are judgements and stigmas that cripple us from saying anything about ourselves or coming forward. To believe that cancel culture is new does not make sense to me. We have been canceling out one another for centuries, — it’s just more televised now.

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Know Your Resources

There used to be a news, traffic and weather station that had a key phrase. “Know before you go.” I like this line. I think this holds true to more than just traffic and weather. In fact, this holds true to life.
But please, allow me to explain.
Before going forward, I want to be clear that this is something from a personal perspective. I want to be clear that what I’m about to share is based on my experience. This is not to point fingers or say what is right or wrong. Instead, this is to reveal what it was like for me in teen centers and adolescent rehabilitation centers. I want to be clear about something, treatment was a benefit for me. There were others with me at the time. And for them, the outcome did not turn out quite as well. I can say that I know why. I can say that they were inaccurately placed and became part of an institutionalized system that did not get better for them.

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