What is chaos anyway?
Let’s start this off with a basic definition –
Chaos, what is it?
Well, the dictionary says
it’s a state of confusion or wild disorder.
At least, this is what the dictionary tells me.

I think this goes further though,
and yes, I think that a state of confusion
or wild disorder is close enough. But no,
I think there’s more to it.

It goes this way. Life, I mean.
And there are times which come without reason
or without any sort of explanation.
And there are times when we freak
out or lose our cool
or in my case,
I lose my head, and yes,
we do things
that are against our best interest.

And we know this is wrong.
We know it as we follow through
just wishing we could stop ourselves.

But, we hit the trip wire and then boom
love goes up in a burst of flames
and the battlefield is drenched
with innocent bystanders,
or otherwise known as
the person you love the most.

The question to you, Mr. Chaos is simple.
The question becomes what have you done for me?
What have I lost on your behalf
and where has this led me?

Are you ready for a little bit of honesty . . .
I am as imperfect as anyone else in this world.
I’m crazy too,
or mad as any madman.
Or worse,
I am equally as desperate and afraid that yes,
somehow, I missed my ride, and now,
I’ll miss the show
or I’ll miss my chance
to see the world
like I’ve always wished to see it.

And so, what was
became what is and quickly too,
and more, this happened faster than I knew it.
Just like that, in the blink of an eye,
a temporary burden became fact
and permanent because of an unfortunate
force, which I call
the deception of my perception.

But this is where he lives.
Mr. Chaos, that is.

This is for the kid who is misguided somehow
or tricked, just like I was
or fooled into thinking
that something about them is faulty or wrong
or mis-wired
or otherwise imperfect.

But the fact is no.
You couldn’t be imperfect if you tried.
Believe me.

Good morning, my old friend Chaos.
It’s me again,
trying hard to find my way
and trying harder to defy the ideas
which have consumed me for way too long.

I find myself on the verge of another impasse
or crossroads, or perhaps I am on the verge
of another choice, or change
or decision. And again,
I go back and forth and walk down the same streets,
which have recently changed, yet
everything is still the same.

1)

It’s time to go back,
or if anything,
now is the time to get back to it,
and by “it”,
I mean the source of my thrill
or the meaning behind my life.

What is this?
What is this thing
in me?

What are these ideas
which spin around in our mind,
and how is it that they mutate or multiply,
at least a thousand times or more
and then they drive us mad
or crazy or,
they send us off
or drive us away in different directions?

And meanwhile, all we want is peace.

I need to stop.
I need to figure this out, somehow,
or try to find a way
to level the playing field,
or if not,
perhaps I can find a way to
reverse the polarity
or make a shift
so the weight is less,
and my leverage is better
or, at minimum,
the pain can be less
consequential.