White sand tumbles into the undertow
as chemical moves through the blood machine.
Next is the chemical reaction.
Your body changes from an imperfect paradise and the mind detaches from all of its weight.
Your, “all too often,” thoughts submit to the sudden change, and then they wash away into the sea of forgetfulness.
(and that’s good)
There is no conflict here. There is no struggle.
Upon entering, the blast of euphoria smooths the sharp edges and dulls them into soft, rounded corners, making it easier to maneuver and relax.
In the first moments, my ears rang.
Sometimes, my chest became numb and swelled in a weightless breath.
I faded into the mindset of an emotional orgasm and my life was temporarily suspended.
All was behind me; you, them, and everything in between became distant like a whisper from someplace far away.
This was how I distanced myself….
I forgot about my doubts and my arguments.
The drug sent its troops throughout my system, and while I fell into the corrosion of fantasy, my tension was answered by the remedy, which euthanized my senses, and carried me off into the flood of unconsciousness.
I was no longer reminded of my awkwardness, My problems faded and my insecurities were solved. The only challenge was to fall deeper—and do more.
The answer was to find the perfect balance, or mindset
(like a Godhead)
And while I watched my imaginary angels falling downward, I thought of stained-glass windows shattering into little pieces, and I could hear the tiny shards of glass tinkling away into nothingness.
In truth, I felt most alive when closest to death.
Knowing I was at the brink, I felt myself swaying between heaven and existence.
I felt myself warmed and welcomed by a beautiful insignificance, and very much like the small pieces of broken glass, I felt myself tinkling away into nothingness.
Of course, many who read this will not understand. Most will ask, “Why,” but they still won’t understand, even after I explain.
But I’ll give it a shot.
Same as many suicidal deaths result in an accident; so do overdoses.
Take a man looking to end his life…
He plans to drive his car over a cliff. He finds his spot and gives his car enough room to pick up speed, and then fly into the abandoned.
In many occasions like this one, there are skid marks left behind at the edge of the cliff. It’s as if the man wanted to change his mind…only it was too late. His body over-committed and he could not stop himself from going over.
I did not want to die as much as I wanted the world to stop.
I just needed a break.
As kids, we used to call it a time-out.
But time-outs only work on the playground. Time-outs work in kickball or in games like kick the can, or hide and seek.
They don’t apply to life on life’s terms.
So why, you ask?
It was a way to make the world pause for a gentle second.
Getting high was a voice in my own quiet rebellion.
But no one ever expects the aftermath. No one expects the invisible chains that wear you down.
No one expects the sickness or the incredible urges that come along with it. N
o one believes it will be them, trapped, and leashed to a life that steals your life away one piece at a time.
I know I didn’t.
Wow Ben, that was an awesome read. Sheds a lot of light.