And then………everything changed.
Reality took on a new shape and its old form crumbled away
like a body of ashes in the wind.
I found myself in familiar territory.
I felt the oncoming shake of awareness,
and I knew it wouldn’t be long
It wouldn’t be long until the inevitable took hold, and again,
I would find myself turning in the low-end of a vicious cycle.
As the bag emptied, I could feel the anxiety begin to stir.
It moved in, and I could feel the anguish coming on like a storm from the distance.
I lost the way water loses to a drain.
All I could do was sink through the funnel
until there was nowhere left for me to spill.
But this is how it is with addiction.
I knew the mental sickness was on its way.
I knew my insanity had reached its flashing point,
and more, I knew it was only a matter of time
until there was nowhere left to turn.
The high would run out, and eventually,
even denial had a way of meeting its own reflection.
The last spoonful was gone
and all that remained were the tiny whispers,
which screamed in my head
and the ongoing need,
which brought me to my knees.
I was facing the early morning hours after a long binge,
and with nothing left to satisfy the demons,
I crawled along the planks of my hardwood floor,
searching for one last piece of sanity….
but there was none.
Every little crumb, or speck that appeared on my floor
looked like a tiny white flake—and each white flake
teased me like a mirage teases the stranded.
These are the illusions of cocaine’s aftermath…
My heartbeat thumped. My stomach turned and growled.
My skin was pasty white and my eyes were charged
like an amplified zombie.
No matter how I tried,
I could not stop my jaw from grinding
or moving back and forth.
I could not stop the mad thoughts from feasting on my sanity,
and I could not stop the horrible flow of adrenaline
from coursing through my bloodstream.
The lofty high I tried to capture was mirrored by an incredible low,
which in turn, frayed my nerves
as if every sense and muscle was flexed beyond capacity.
In this case, all anyone wants is a piece of redemption.
In my case, that redemption came in a tiny envelope or plastic bag.
This is the part of addiction I was warned about.
But to me, it wasn’t a warning.
It was more like temptation.
In my experience,
the devil never comes ugly:
He comes in the forms of beautiful chaos:
lying on the way in
…and telling truths on the way out.
In my experience,
the devil’s greatest trick isn’t what he says you should do
it’s what he says not to….
All I can say now is thank God I’m sober~