Early Sunday morning and I walk down from my front doorstep, across the wet spring grass and beneath the sky with its rising sun.
I enter my car, start the engine, and back out as I make my way to this place I call work.
My body moved in autopilot as I drove through the Long Island parkways, onto the Grand Central, and then onto The Long Island Expressway, where in the distance, I could see the tall shining spire of the new building that took the place of its previous Twin Towers.
The roads were quiet, and behind me, I could see the sun gaining momentum in the rearview mirror.
I like mornings like this.
I like when the sky is clear and the moon waits until the sun arises before ending its shift on this side of the world.
I passed through Queens; I passed by the grounds of The World’s Fair, and then I made my way through Long Island City, passing the billboards along the overpass before the high road ducks down beneath the Midtown Tunnel.
I passed the red Coca-Cola sign and while I passed the last exits before entering the tunnel, I found myself at the highest part of my trip.
I looked across The East River, and out into the skyline, staring at The Met-Life building and The Chrysler.
(Then I took a deep breath)
Between these two buildings is where I often find myself. This is where I go on a regular basis to shed my pound of flesh and earn my bones, so to speak.
However, the rising sun is not the only thing that gains momentum. I have jobs to finish. I have work to do and bills that continue to pile. I have home projects that need my attention and an air conditioner that needs to be replaced.
I have things to do but the list is getting too long.
The one thing I learned is I can never catch myself if I keep running.
I forget this sometimes….
I forget to stop.
I forget to focus, but one thing is for sure; the list of things that need my attention will not forget about me.
No, instead, it trails behind like were are connected — and we are.
“I’ll do it tomorrow,” I say.
And at this point, the term “It,” means more than one thing.
“It,” means the bannister that needs to be replaced in the stairway leading up to my bedroom.
“It,” means the floor that needs to be finished in the kitchen.
“It,” means the painting that needs to be done in my upstairs and downstairs.
By “It,” I mean the list of repairs I have at work.
I have the list of maintenance programs I need to follow up on, and paperwork I need to complete.
(And I hate paperwork)
By “It,” I mean the changes I need to make, like my dieting and exercise; I mean the other personal downfalls I need to acknowledge rather than drag them behind me.
So long as I continue to run, I will never catch up with the things that drag behind me, which I think sounds like a contradiction……but it isn’t.
Sometimes we run so fast, but no matter where we go…..there we are.
Whatever we run the fastest from is always behind us, closing in and gaining.
At least, that’s how it seems to me.
Change can be an overwhelming thing.
Someone once told me about this thing called “The first step.”
It has something to do with admitting I am powerless and that my life has become unmanageable.
And that is exactly what happens….
We run so hard and so fast. We become crazy and the craziness overruns our ability to function properly.
So instead we run harder
We run faster, but the items we drag are still there, gaining and closing in.
Wouldn’t it be nice to just stop?
I know my legs are tired and I could use the rest.
I have to stop
I know I could do it…..