Today is the third day after my Botox treatment. I can feel the physical differences in my shoulders and at the base of my neck. I have a better range of motion and with much less discomfort.
I can clearly see how Botox injections help with pain management. As far as the mental aspect, I am someone that lives with frequent battles of insomnia.
This is a tough thing because like most of the working world, I have a schedule to keep. This is difficult to keep on a full night’s rest, let alone a night where sleep is this thing made for other people. However, after the injections, I can see an improvement in my sleeping patterns. Although I still wake up in the middle of the night to make a bathroom trip or two, I am able to fall back asleep, which is miraculous for me.
As for my depression, I find myself trying to see where the difference is. As best as I can explain my thoughts; I think I can explain my thought process as in need of a recoil button. What I mean by this is it is hard for me to recoil once I unravel.
The Botox injections I received to assist with medically resistant depression have not changed my thinking. Then again, I am not sure this is what the injections are made to do. Instead, however, I do not find myself as a slave to my thinking.
To me, the word slavery is a word the best sums up the mathematics of depression. With depression, we are leashed to our emotional thinking. We are leashed to our emotional opinions and plans. There is no strategy here, no logical thought, no goals, nor means to achieve them. With depression, the ideas of better living are impossibility.
I have spoken with others that live with depression. They describe their life as, “This is just the way it is,” and they never assume or believe they will ever live or feel better.
I have spoken with people that live with something I call Broken Dream Syndrome. They mourn their missed opportunities and missed connections. Everything becomes pointless.
They assume this is the best they will ever have, which, does not mean they have the life they want.
Instead, this just means they have the life they live. But there’s a difference and to them, the life they want is impossible to reach.
I relate to this. I relate to the ideas that my life is not mine. I relate to the ideas of thinking I am weak or unremarkable and undeserving of my dreams. I relate to the thought process which dictates the ideas that I might succeed a little, and I might be lucky sometimes, but eventually, everything falls apart.
I think it is important to be honest about this. I think more people would recover if they were allowed to speak freely about their thinking patterns instead of be quieted with positive reinforcement rhetoric, which can steal away the soul’s need to cry or scream.
To be honest about thoughts and speak openly is not the same as the degradation of self. In fact, when people with depression are steered away from exposing their thinking, they sometimes feel more repressed and judged. Whereas, if they were allowed their freedom to openly speak without judgement and without concern, at least this way, they can exhaust their thoughts quicker than say, if they suffered in silence.
Because I speak openly about my fears and thoughts, this does not make me weak or mean that I am putting me down. This is just me removing the strength from the internal arguments. In fact, I find that when people try to redirect my thoughts or honest comments about my emotions; I find this reflects more about them than me.
But I am not doing what I do for anyone else; therefore, I do this for me because put simply: My redemption has nothing to do with anyone else’s response.
I had a conversation with an old client of mine and openly discussed some of my fears and social discomforts. We talked about the voices of insecurity and the negative internal dialogue that speaks loudest.
I say this speaks loudest but in the mind, there is nothing as loud as a repetitive whisper. This is also part of depression.
Yes, there is sadness. There is hopelessness, unworthiness. There is overeating and there is loss of appetite. There is restlessness and irritability. There are self-harm, self-sabotage, mood swings, the inability to concentrate, and the inability to perform basic and simple things. There is avoidance of responsibility, which contributes to the anxiety because life builds up pressure.
There is the weighty feeling of impending doom. Literally everything is critical and life becomes this crucial thing. The focus shifts to everything which is not within control; people, places, and things. There is a blame habit; and whether we blame ourselves or others, the blame becomes habit forming because the mind searches for accountability. In all, the thought process behind depression is exhausting, but yet, even if we sleep, we still struggle to get out of bed; —instead, we find ourselves looking at the ceiling or the walls or the insulting stick-figure numbers on our alarm clock.
My client was shocked to know that I thought or felt this way. But why? What is surprising about a chemical imbalance?
Why not talk about it? This way the problem looses strength and the solution gains power.
Every little mishap in life, like say the simple things that happen with life on life’s terms are almost like an insult to our injuries. The world is obviously against us. The ego is in all-out war with everything like an egomaniac with an inferiority and insecurity complex.
None of this is new news, mind you. However, most who think, act, feel, or suffer this way will struggle to speak openly about this because of their own insurmountable fears.
This is day three after my Botox injections. I cannot say that my thinking has stopped. And this is not to say that this is always my thought process. Some days are great and some are not as good. Put it this way: I do not suffer anymore.
The reason for this is because I have learned different practices to help me with my own improvement. However, in the past before I had these tools and at times when the depressive thoughts get the better of me, I had no way to recoil my thoughts.
Since receiving my injections, I see improvement. My thoughts are not as weighty. I have the ability to comeback from this; whereas, previously, if my thoughts got away from me then my thoughts ran away from me and all I could do is follow them until eventually, my anxiety attack ran its course. And then I was exhausted . . .
I find that I have assistance now. I did not find any notable side effects from the shot. I did not feel any discomfort in the areas where my injections were. Dr. Ramesh Sawhney has followed up with me and discussed the process to which, thus far, everything the Dr. Sawhney explained has been accurate.
Thus far, I have been able to recoil. I have been able to overcome the thought process, which at worse times, I would have lost to. I feel a sense of hope and promise, which is a nice thing in contrast to the doubt that comes with depressive thinking.
I am going to continue this journey and document my process. I will do this because I want others to know that people live with depression; however, no one has to suffer from it.
I want to share this openly because I want people that live in doubt to find a sense of hope that yes, there is help out there and yes, there are others who have recovered and improved.
I want to share my journey because in all honesty, how can I become an advocate of health and wellness if I am not willing to undergo the process myself?
My good friend Peter Grayson said if you are going to lead then you have to lead from the front. I decided to take his recommendation and do just that. I want to see what I do from the inside out. I want to learn more. I want to help more. But more than this, I want to be the best me possible, which is why I have joined this team because yes, people really do get better.
And for this, I am grateful