There is no way to undo the yesterday we wish we could get away from. Words can not be retrieved once spoken and actions cannot be undone. So don’t wast too much time on this.
The reason why is nothing about yesterday is changeable or alterable, which is the reason we keep running from it.
We don’t want to face it. More accurately, we don’t want to feel. We don’t want to think about this either but the truth is there is never a way to hide from the exact nature of our past.
There is no hiding from it. There is no denying our past; at least, not truthfully.
Either way, the truth is we all make mistakes. We all do things we wish we hadn’t. I know I have. I know I have certainly said things I wish I could take back. But I can’t.
It is our vanity; however, it is our ego that wants to keep the secret buried. We want to keep from feeling and keep from being exposed or keep from being seen as imperfect.
The reason is because all roads lead back to fears of rejection and fears of inadequacy. This stems from fears of not fitting or being permanently misfit or misrepresented and misinterpreted.
Truth is, we are all equally social creatures just trying to make our way. Sometimes, however, we feel our weakness is too strong so we cover them by adding certain defense mechanisms to out personality.
We create an image to hide the cracks in our façade. We establish ways to deflect and defend ourselves by tweaking our personality and altering our true selves to be more acceptable. In many cases, this only makes us more transparent; however, in our own eyes, we’re like that kid that was never any good at playing hide and seek, only, we think we’re doing a good job and no one sees. But they see. They see plenty.
Truth us we always know the truth about ourselves. But like the old saying goes, the truth hurts. So we keep running. We keep deflecting. We keep burying our truths beneath layer upon layer until we stuff it all so far down that we almost believe the lies of our own ego. Keep in mind, if we begin to believe our lies they can easily become truth.
I remember watching The Old Man working on a job next to the boiler in our basement. He was hitting a piece of metal with a hammer and chisel. I was behind him, holding the light, like I was supposed to.
Of course, my mind wandered and The Old Man grew frustrated.
“Hold the light here!” he ordered.
And I would adjust.
When The Old Man began hitting the chisel, I noticed he missed the chisel a few times and accidentally hit his hand.
I knew this hurt. I could see that this hurt because his hand was bleeding. But The Old Man wouldn’t stop.
And I wanted him to stop. This was painful to see but The Old Man kept going, slamming the hammer down at the chisel and occasionally missing again and hitting his own hand.
Why wouldn’t stop?
Why didn’t he stop and check his hand?
Finally, The Old Man broke through with the chisel.
As he checked his hand, I asked, “Why didn’t you stop?”
The Old Man answered, “Because that’s when you start to feel the pain!”
This is a perfect analogy for so many things in life . . .
This is why we run. This is why we fail to engage with the wreckage of our past. This is why ego protects the frailness of our vanity because we don’t want to feel the pain.
And pain is a funny thing. Believe it or not, pain can be addicting once you’ve lived with it for too long.
See, the thing is pain becomes dependable. Hence, you understand pain. You learned the rules of interaction. Pain makes sense. In fact, life without pain is foreign. It is so foreign in fact that the idea of life without pain (while beautiful in theory) is more frightening than when the pain comes.
See, if pain is dependable; life without pain is unpredictable, which causes us to stay as we are because at least we know what to expect.
We won’t ever be lonesome. We won’t ever be challenged. At the same time, we will never be truly happy or ever be truly fulfilled but at least we’ll know what we’re getting.
This is life on the run.
This is why people in glass houses have so many broken windows. This is why pots argue with kettles to see which one is black.
This is why we run: To hide from our truths; to keep from the pains of our past; to bury ourselves beneath layer upon layer so that we can eventually believe in our lies and hide our vanities by protecting the cracks in our façade.
Truth is you can’t save your face and your ass at the same time.
There is no pretending anymore. There is also no yesterday because regardless to our thoughts or feeling of the matter; yesterday doesn’t exist anymore. Tomorrow doesn’t exist either. All we have is now and the power to choose what we’ll do with it.
There are so many things I wish I could change but I can’t. All I can do is hold myself accountable for this moment, right now, which I am, which is why I write to you, which is why I do what I do, and which is why I keep moving in the direction I have chosen for myself.
See, I have pain too. I have fears and a complete collection of regrets and shame just like the rest of the world.
However, I cannot change the pains from my yesterday. I feel them though. I can’t hide anymore. Plus, I don’t want to.
Running only makes my legs hurt. Plus, no matter where you go, there you are. And no amount of pretending can ever allow you to truly get away from yourself.
So deal with it now
it may hurt.
it may be frightening
but at least these discomforts will only be temporary
Soon enough, tomorrow will come to wash away the sins of our yesterday; this way we can enjoy the sun without feeling the need to hide.