There is an inner voice to some of us, which is unspoken, yet, it says everything at the same time. There is an idea we have, deceived by our perception and our growing concern, which starts small, like a tiny piece of ground that moves before the mudslide—and then crash, it all falls down like an avalanche.
There is a point where people are beyond return. It’s too late now and the ideas a loved one would try and share to be helpful comes off as more hurtful than anything else.
It’s not easy to live with high anxiety. It’s not easy to live in the thought machine—there’s always something going on, there’s always something wrong, always a struggle, always a threat; there’s no peace, there’s only the ideas that keep coming to build up like the high-pressure steam in a container that can’t hold back, and sooner or later, the pressure is just too much.
All roads lead back to self. At least, this is how I see it. This is what makes sense to me.
All roads lead back to pain. All roads lead back to the ideas of rejection and feed the fire beneath our cauldron of fears. This is when the mind begins to overreact. The fear receptors overreact. the mind prepares for damage with the expectation of catastrophes and casualties.
The system goes into overload.
Some people experience tightness in their chest. Some struggle to breath. Some people black out. Some implode and literally shut down. some retreat and some explode. Some want to die and some just want to rip themselves from their skin, just to get out alive.
Some medicate themselves. Some do this successfully and others not so much. regardless to the coping mechanism, the idea is to resolve the anxiety. The goal is to soften the sharp edges of the ideas that rattle around in the mind and scar the thoughts of better judgement.
Mainly, the idea is to find something to replace the unstoppable thoughts and turn them into something soft or unobjectionable.
This is where compulsion comes in. This is where the mind clings to the only coping mechanisms it believes will work.
Some people eat themselves into a deep sleep to narcotize the moment and feel literally nothing until they wake up.
Some use more deliberate methods, which they justify as the only way
So maybe they take a hit. They swallow something, like, say, a pill for example, which will make it all better (of course.)
Some people push a needle in. Some drink until the mind shuts off. Some look for the weightlessness; they look for a numbing agent to either euthanize or anesthetize the moment. They just want to separate them from them, life from life, and thinking from thought. Even if the cure is only fleeting, what’s the difference?
Who cares, — so long as they can find a moment of reprieve.
Intellectually, everyone understands this makes little sense. The hole compulsion digs, in turn, only grows deeper and the dependency will only grip tighter.
Understand nothing is addictive because it repels us. No, we grow dependent because at one point, our action (regardless to whatever it might have been) was the only thing that helped us to cope or “Feel” better.
One would think the bad side-effects and the aftermath would be enough to stop the repetition of behavior. However, a moment or reprieve is still a moment of reprieve. Albeit short, at least for that moment, there is the feeling of ease in whichever form it comes. Although short, at least there is the temporary orgasm that satisfies the mind for a brief, short period.
It would be easy to say to remove the stressor. But what if life is the stressor? What if there is a chemical imbalance that defies our logic and leads us towards compulsive thinking and/or behavior?
It would be easy to medicate this problem. Only, medication masks the symptoms, which I agree can be necessary at times—at least this way, the mind can relax enough to retain new information. Yet still, masking the symptoms is not serving the root of the problem. There needs to be a new approach.
Of all things that are most difficult to change, there is nothing harder to change than a belief system.
Even if the belief system is inaccurate or irrational, there is nothing harder to change than someone’s belief.
This is why we find it hard to break the cycle of compulsion.
Why do people continue get high even if it kills them or ruins their family?
Why do people continue to hurt themselves?
Why do people drink their life away?
Why do people have self-destructive behavior?
Why does inaccurate thinking take over?
Where does insecurity come from and why does this have to be so goddamned crucial?
Where does depression come from?
Why does this have to be?
There is a center in the brain which I call the belief center. This is where the idea machine starts. This is where opinion lives. This is where we store our memories and our arrows, which are the same arrows we use to shoot ourselves in the foot—or, we use them to shoot down our dreams before our hopes take flight.
I have had conversations with others that lived with anxiety disorders and depression. I have spoken with people that live with depression and struggle on a daily basis.
I have talked with people that fail to believe their life can be any other way—and keep in mind, it’s not for lack of wanting or trying—no, that’s not the case at all.
No one asks to live with high anxiety. No one asks to be sick or feel weak or live depressed. Everyone wants to feel better—we want this all the time, but if we don’t believe, then how can anyone feel better when they only believe you can’t?
We have to get here if we want to be helpful. We have to understand the pathology of each individual if we want to see a change in the treatment of mental health. There is no one size fits all.
I often remark about the definition of insanity, which is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
We tell people this is insane; however, we have been treating mental health issues the same way for decades but to no avail, and somehow, we look for different results.
Who is insane now?
We have to find a way to get to the belief system.
Change this in an individual and I honestly believe miracles can happen. Even in the grimmest existence.