We tend to forget that whether we choose to or not, it is okay to let the past be the past. It’s okay to let this rest.
Or better yet, rather than relive and incident, over and over again, and rather than re-have a conversation that cannot possibly happen again, and rather than rehearse ourselves and rehearse what we would say is just such an occasion should rise again, or better yet, rather than reword and relitigate in the same conversation, only we change the answers to something we wished we would of or could of said, we have to come to the understanding that none of this is possible. None of this is beneficial. In fact, all the rehearsals and all the reliving and relitigating only digs us in deeper. No matter how we try, there is nothing more unalterable than yesterday,
I had to come to the understanding that regret and shame are the suction side to a whirlpool that drowns me.
Fault and blame are part of what propels this downward spiral too. All of which are part of a machine that sucks me inwards, in which, if I give in, I can lose to this like water loses to a drain. This sucks me in when I forget to be mindful. In fact, my mindfulness is all that I have unless I give in and give way to my thinking
It’s okay to let the past die. It’s okay to pardon my choices. More than anything, it’s okay to pick myself up from the spot where I fall, dust myself off, and then make my way back to the place I want to be.
There triggers we have that trip the wire like a trap. This ignites the spark to ideas and thoughts that would otherwise be better off forgotten. However, these are connections in our mind that act as little pockets that carry remnants of yesterday’s memory.
This links one thought to the next. Our mind quickly remembers the experience. Our mind remembers the discomfort and the pain or the shame.
We remember humiliation. We remember a sense of foolishness or perhaps a social exposure, which left us feeling vulnerable and weak. We feel a sense of shame or violation.
Next, we overthink the moment and we wish we said this or maybe we wish we said that.
Either way, whether we said what we wanted or not, the outcome is not what we wanted.
So we relive and we argue this again and again in our minds. We rehash the facts and relitigate the argument to create the self-preserving or redeeming response we wish we could have at the time.
We resay things we said and change them, why? We do this to save our ego from shame. We do this to save our pride. We do this to soften the sting of our mistakes or moments of weakness (or when we trusted the wrong person.)
More than anything, we do this to keep us from our vulnerability and to rid us from the idea that we were either humiliated or that we humiliated ourselves.
It’s okay to let the past be the past. Yesterday is gone but we can still lose to this and waste away. We can fall through the drain and be sucked away, never returning to our purpose, never recovering, and never find us where we want to be.
Mistakes are mistakes. We make them. they do not make us.
I choose to remember this to the best of my ability but sometimes, admittedly, i forget and I give in to thinking like this too.
We can certainly nurture this if we choose to. Or, we can find a way to replace out thoughts with a beneficial action. We can find our passion and let this fill our lungs with so much air and life that we have no other choice but to live our lives to the best of our ability.
I understand what it means to live in my head. I understand what it means to be in the constant state of regret; to feel beaten or worse, to be beaten.
I also understand when people say that I have to get out of my own way and that I have to stop beating myself up so much. And people say this like it’s an easy thing to do. But it’s not.
I understand what it means that no matter how hard I try, I just couldn’t get away from me or my mistakes. Believe me, I get it.
If I could, on several occasions, I would choke the old me or punch my past in the face. But I can’t.
I want to see myself through the best eyes. I want to see my reflection and be proud. I don’t be proud of who I am because other people tell me I should be.
No, I want to be proud of me because I am me; however, if I live in regret then I would only feel with regret, and thus never reaching my goal to find balance.
I have to get up. There is victory in this. Whenever I fall or feel like I cannot make it; or whenever the pain is insurmountable, I choose to defy the lies in my head that tell me, “You can’t do this,’ as I say back, “Hell with it. I’m going to anyway.”
The past is
not so terrible. Even the terrible parts are not so terrible because they are
gone now. All I can do about this is learn from it, make adjustments, regain my
composure, get ready, and make my way to where I want to be.
I can literally lose to my thinking if I choose to. Or, I can nurture my actions and change my thinking by changing my behavior.
Out of everything I have learned about my anxiety and depression, of all things, this is what has helped me best.
At no point does relitigating the past change the past. All I can do is learn and move forward so the past will never happen that way again.
This doesn’t mean I won’t ever feel pain. This doesn’t mean I won’t ever make mistakes or trust the wrong person. All this means is that whatever pain comes my way, I give myself the right to deal with it, heal, and move on. Otherwise, I lose like water loses to a drain. (Again)