There are times when I think of you and the things we said but more importantly, there are times when I think of you and the things I wished I told you. I think about the things I wish I could have said to you. There are things I wish I had the words to explain or the patience to express myself.
I write this to you now because I am thinking about you this very minute, which is nothing new. I am thinking about the word regret and how regret always follows the things we wished we would have done.
We go our entire life, learning lessons on how to be, how to live, what to do and what not to. We learn about people. We learn who we can trust and who we can’t. We also learn about the heart, which is more than this thing that beats in our chest. We learn that the heart breaks sometimes. We learn what it means to hurt and be hurt.
We learn about fear. We learn about shame and guilt and all the feelings beneath the spectrum of blame and humiliation. Above all, we learn that words hurt. We learn that actions are not erasable.
Lines are crossed and somehow they can never be uncrossed. Words cannot be unspoken and things cannot be undone. We understand this. We understand that above all things; time is the most valuable commodity we have. The reason for this is because time is truly irreplaceable.
I can think back honestly and wholeheartedly about the things I have said and the things that I wish I never said, but still, I said them. I can think about the arguments and actions I took in response, just to be right, because for some reason, the need to be right somehow interfered with the need to be happy. This happens with a lot of people.
In my path, I can see where this led me astray. I can see how I wasted time on validation because at the time, validation was so important, but meanwhile, I missed out on so many things. I missed out on so many moments that I have come to the realization that the validation I looked for was only fleeting and temporary but the memories I missed out on are meant to last for life or longer.
I am sending this to you now because now is all I have. I cannot reverse time or relive the past anymore. I am writing this to you today because today is all I have. More importantly, I have seen what happens when I let today slip by me. I have seen the loss this creates. To be honest, I just don’t want to lose anymore.
I don’t need to be right all the time or validated. I don’t need to argue. I don’t need my pride or my ego to be sustained. I just needed to reach you and let you know a few things.
I am a man of faults. I am a man with flaws. I am human, much like the rest of us, and just like the rest of us, I am growing older. I am reaching into a new category in my life and looking back at who I was. I wish I could have reached me back then. I wish I could have interrupted some of my thinking and pointed me in a different direction.
I wished I could have advised me, “Better let this one go because otherwise you’ll regret it,” and I wish in all honesty that I would have listened to this suggestion, but in fairness, I was too stuck in my own head. I was stuck in my arguments, in which case, you and others in my life had to pay for this. I am sorry. Above all, I had to pay for this because there is so much I wish I said.
I think at some point, I woke up. Maybe I woke up late. Maybe this letter is too late but still, dammit all, I have to try. I have to send this because dammit all, I have to let go of this, the past, you, the problems, the arguments and the need to figure out who was to blame. I need to let go of this energy that steals me away from my life. I need to give in and surrender because at this point, surrendering is the only way I can win back my life.
It is hard for me to say these things but I say them with all my heart. I have to say them this way. I have to be honest. I have to give this away because regardless to this message or how it is received, I cannot let another day go by without my true feelings being revealed.
The truth is I love you. The truth is I am human with faults and flaws. Gratefully though, I have the ability to learn. And sometimes I learn a bit too late, but still, at least I learn. There are those around us that go through their entire lives and never learn from their mistakes. And me, I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be the person I am intended to be. I want to be the best me possible. But in all honesty and painfully expressed, I simply cannot be the best me without you or without letting go of what happened in the past.
The sun will be up in a little while. I have a new day ahead of me. Yesterday is gone and neither of us live there anymore. One day may come and you might wonder about me. And I am here, still and always will be. A time might come and you might be confused or angry. I understand this. I have felt this way too. There will be a time when you wonder things with an idea beginning, “If only,” which I get that.
I have wished this way for most of my life. I wished and wondered what would happen if I had only said this or if I had only said something else. But there is no “If only.” There is only this.
I wish I was better back then but back then is gone now. All I have is now, which means I have to take the risk and send this out immediately because time is of the essence and I don’t want another day in my life to go by wishing I took the chance to tell you about my heart and regretting the fact that I never did.
I put this out to the universe or wherever you are with hopes this finds you. I put this out there to let this go and surrender my old self so I can be the new me I have always wanted.
I am sending this to you. I hope it finds you. If not, then okay. At least I can say I put it out there. At least I can say I gave it my all, received or not, at least I poured my heart out and told you the truth, which is this . . .
I love you