From Choices: Brief Prose

Somewhere, deep inside of us is this voice
which may sound like a whisper sometimes.
But still, there is a voice within us all.
There is something deep down
and it is as pure as youth itself.

In fact this is so real and so raw
that its presence is sharp like a razor
And it cuts deeply sometimes.
It works this way
because this is the voice that knows better.

This is the voice of our purpose.
This is our voice of reason, which we often ignore.
More than anything, this is our truth
and as we all know,
the truth hurts.

The truth stings
like the way disinfectant sprays on a cut or a scrape.
Remember when we were kids?
Remember when we scraped one of our knees?
I remember.
I remember the sting
and then I remember someone telling me
“It has to hurt if it’s to heal.”

I have this voice in me
the same as we all do.
This voice cannot stand the impurities or the lies
and I bury it sometimes.
I bury the voice because
I don’t want to listen.

I don’t want to hear it
because I might not like the options.
I might not like the ideas
or I might not feel safe with the answer
(or protected).

This does not mean the voice goes away.
This only means I have to bury the voice deeper.
And in the end,
when I can’t deny the truth anymore
or when the downfall happens,
I kick myself in the ass
because I knew I should have listened in the first place.

I knew I should have turned around
or walked away.
There are times when I should have hung up the phone
or stopped talking. 
I could have backed away safely when I had the chance
but I failed to listen
and this is what pissed me off the most.

There is a voice inside of us that wants better.
And there are times we let this voice down.
There are times when the voice screams for more
but we feed it less.
There are times when we are untrue to ourselves,
and yet meanwhile,
this voice of ours is the only truth we know.

Ever stay in the wrong room with the wrong people
in the meantime, there is something in you
that says, “Get out now,”
and yet, we fail to listen?
Ever stay in a relationship
which we know is not the best circumstance,
but yet, at least being with someone
is better than being with no one at all –
Ever do this?

We settle and we try.
We fake it until we make it; only,
we never really make it
because we settled,
which means we surrendered ourselves
and lost to a bargaining agreement
that left us with less than our worth . . . .
Ever happen?

There is a voice in all of us.
This voice reminds us that we are worth more
and yet the pain stings
because the truth is we settled for less.
We accepted the trade.
We gave in because we were afraid.
We were afraid we wouldn’t get what we wanted
and after a while,
the voice within became a nuisance
because in the end,
we failed to get what we wanted. 

There is no denying that we do in fact
know the difference between right and wrong.
We know when we bargain too much and receive too little.
We know that settling for less
will only give us less.
And that’s the truth.

I used to struggle with this voice of mine.
I used to think this was a curse but in fact, no,
this voice has always been my own best friend.
I just never knew how to listen.
I didn’t know the difference between honest assessment
and the overly-critical internal narrative.

No one likes to be told they’re wrong.
Especially from themselves.
No one wants to be wrong at all.
No one wants to feel vulnerable
or unprotected
or stupid.

We all want the best.
We want everything to work and be peachy-keen,
but no.
This is not how life works. 

I used to hate the truth.
Or better yet, I only liked selected truths.
I liked the truths that would benefit me.
But then I fell short.
Then I found myself at the tail end of
bad friendships
or at the tail end of relationships
and I looked back
to see the warning signs
I ignored along the way.

There is a voice in me.
It took me a long time to utilize this.
I had to come to an agreement with myself.
I had to learn new tactics.
I had this voice in me that would scream
and I wondered why –
until I realized, everyone screams
especially when they feel no one can hear them. 

Sure, I was screaming.
I screamed for a change.
I screamed for more.
I screamed for me to WAKE UP!

I screamed for better treatment
and better conditions.
I screamed so loud and for such a long time
that eventually, I had to learn to listen.

The voice doesn’t yell so often now. 
I don’t see the voice as a threat anymore either.
I’ve learned not to let myself down
or be drawn away by trades
which take away my value.

I used to see this voice as my enemy.
Now I just see this voice as me.
And because of this . . .
I am better for it.

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