Where does anything begin? I suppose we begin everything from the start – and since we all have our own story, this means we all have our own page one. This means we all have our own beginning, middle and an end.
I think about this. I think about the different chapters of our life, which leads me to think about the opening of David Copperfield by Mark Twain, in which it says, “Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether this station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.”
This is interesting to me . . . .
Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life is something I think about on a frequent basis. Will I ever make my place? Will I plant my flag or will I just live under someone else’s?
There is truth here. I can be either the villain or the hero. I can be anything I choose. Or, I can surrender this position to be chosen by someone else. I can give away the only control I have, which is to dictate or determine who I am and how I live. Or I can choose to allow this station to be determined by another. In which case, one direction dictates my freedom and the other determines my sense of incarceration. The choice is mine. I can be free or I can keep myself caged and be both my own warden and prisoner.
Whether I choose to stand or surrender; whether I choose to succeed and try or quit to fail, the fact remains that all of this is up to me. This means I have the freedom to decide. I can walk away. I can stay. I can choose between either or. Or I can be afraid and overthink my every choice. Either way, the choice is still mine.
I know this place here belongs to us. I have designed it this way on purpose. There is no one else around but you and me. There is no one to impress. There is no reason to act tough or talk like we do when we are out in the street. The lights are low here. We can let the mask slip for now. Or, at least I can.
And to be honest, I need this.
I need you, me, here. I need all of this. In fact, I think we all need a place like this. We all need our own personal church or place of reverence. Everybody needs a place where judgement rests. There are no critics. There is no one looking to take or give or push and pull. There are no battles, no wars and no need to protect one’s self. We can rest here.
I understand that we only speak in chapters, but yet, I know this is the one place I can come and be my true self
There are so many different aspects of life. There are different masks, different faces we have, different versions of our personality. Which again, this is why I say we all need a place like this. Everyone needs a place where they can loosen their shoes for a second. We all need a place where it’s safe to unwind and unload the burdens. Otherwise, we go fucking nuts. At least, I do. We need this. Otherwise, we tense up. We stay on-guard like a soldier, never relieved from their post, and always in flight mode. We’re always on alert and always wondering about the next strike or blow to the ego.
This here is the time of sunrise. Our portion of the globe is about to wake up to sunlight, which I suppose is something that happens in phases. The lights of the world are revolving and move in stages. This means life is constantly cyclical. This means we all have our own seasons, our own times of summertime warmth and wintertime hibernation. Spring is here now. This means our half of the globe is tipping closer towards the sun on a daily basis. This means the moments of summertime warmth are underway. And perhaps these times are limited, but hey, at least the warmth is on its way.
This means a new chapter is about to open up. This means a new page and a new story is about to take place; and whether I or you or any of us are destined to be the hero of this story; these pages must show.
As for me, I am moving closer to a new stage of my life. I am unsure about the outside influences; however, the only influence I have is me. Therefore, the only person that can determine my worth is me.
No one else has the right to value or undervalue me without my say so. I can choose now. I can choose whether I go or stay. I can decide who I share my time with and who I can walk away from.
I can choose my levels of intimacy. I can choose where I want to start. I can make my so-called page one as a grand entrance or instead, I can walk in quietly, humbly or be hushed like a hidden mouse in the corner. What this means is that as the author of my life, whether I am heroic or foolish, the tales of my life will show who I chose to be.
A day will come when my final chapter is complete but until then, I have much more to write. I have more to say. I have more to do and more to experience, more to touch, think, feel and discover.
There is a start to everything. And so, there is an end to everything as well, which, by the way is not altogether bad. This only means that one chapter has closed and a new one is about to begin. This means we have a chance to be reborn. At least this is how I see it. Otherwise with life there is nothing but life and death without living in-between. And to me, this is not living. No, to me, this is only existing.
I have already told you so much about myself. So, I might as well share this part too. I remember a day when I was fine to walk away from the crowd. I was much younger and far more uncomfortable with my life.
I was uncomfortable with the people in my circle of influence. I was uncomfortable with my circle of friends and the thoughts, the feelings and different anxieties from the different stations of my life. Who was I? Who did I want to be? And of course, who was I seen as which was the real concern – how did people see me?
I remember an afternoon when I was fit to walk away from the crowd. I didn’t think about them. In fact, I was perfectly unmoved about the others in my life. There were no concerns. There was no need to fit in or be part of their world. I was comfortable. I was alone but yet, I was in the best company possible. I suppose this was my very first taste of real freedom
I remember this day as clearly as the words I put before you now. I remember the sense of unburdened freedom. God, this was perfect. There was no rejection. There was no need to compete for my position.
No, I had the job. The job was mine, which meant there was no judge, no jury, no defense or prosecution. There was only me, which was absolutely fine. I suppose this is why I come here. This page and this place will always have a special place in my heart (and so will you).
This is the one place where people like us can come and be no one else but us. If you ask me, I say this is perfect. I also say this is a shame because not everyone has a place like this. Not everyone has a place to surrender to. Not everyone has this kind of shelter or sanctuary. Only us. And I like us.
It’s nice to take my control back. Whether I am the hero or the villain, the most empowering realization is to understand the position is up to me. Always has been. Always will be.
Here comes the sun. This means my Thursday is about to begin. So here, hold my mask and shield. I think I want to face today as I am, as me, without trying to hide, protect myself or pretending to be someone else. It’s time to let go of the war and be brave enough to let go of the fight.
I think there’s a word for something like this.
I think the Latin word for this is Fortitudo
This means having the mental and emotional strength in facing life, difficulty, adversity, danger, temporary challenges and costly temptations. This means to face life courageously.
I like this idea.