I know there are times when you wondered if I was writing just for you. Well, I want you to know that this one is specifically for you. I am writing this to you because I think you understand. In fact, I know you do.
And so do I.
There comes a point where all the money in the world cannot cover the debt of living an unhappy life. The distractions run out and the relationships either turn or fall short. And there you are. You find yourself empty with no possible way to fill the void. Nothing is satisfying and it seems as if nothing can be solved.
There comes a time when the pit becomes bottomless and no matter what you do, no matter what you try, and no matter where you go, there you are. And there’s no escape.
There comes a time when reality is absolutely unavoidable. But you try, right? You fix your grin, as they say. You put on your best pose and you put on a good show but yet, on the inside, you know the truth. You know you’re hurting. You know the façade is weak, so you try to hide yourself from the wind, so nothing blows your cover.
There comes a time when you can no longer fool yourself; and all the pretending, all the storytelling and all the lies are no longer fit to hold the clips to the masks you wear.
You turn inward. You lose hope. The fantasy and the dreams become so distant and the work to reach them is too intimidating.
There comes a time when the anxiousness is nothing but constant. You lose to your thoughts like water loses to a drain. Isn’t that what we say?
We wonder where we’ll get the strength. We wonder if we even have the strength to endure. You start to wonder if any of this is even worth it because why bother? Why try? Why do anything if everything seems impossible?
This world is a crazy place. Everything is open to interpretation. Nothing worthwhile comes easy and hey, you can’t win them all, right? Isn’t that what they say?
I suppose your response is, “It’d be nice to win at least one.”
Meanwhile, people like us have won more than we’ve lost. We just count our losses more closely. We have more than we consider but yet, there is this ever elusive idea about this vision we have of life. If we don’t make it, then what?
We all have our personal intimidations. You have yours and I have mine, which are different, I’m sure. You have your crosses to bear and I have the ideas that weigh me down. Our dilemmas are not the same but yet, they don’t have to be.
The bottom line is this: There is an underlying idea that we have about us, which rooted in judgment, — and if we don’t make it then we didn’t make it, which means we’ve failed, — which means no amount of pretending will ever cover the truth, which is still inaccurate because our perception misleads us from the truth.
There comes a time when there is no place left to hide. Reality is sharp and the truth cuts like a razorblade. Then we find ourselves here, beaten and broken, and wondering why we never get what we want.
In fact, there’s a song by The Smiths that covers this feeling very well. I think I’ll just put this one here for you to listen to when you have the time. I think this is best left here because I suppose there are only so many people who understand. And I know that you understand. You understand far too well.
Come to think of it, there’s another song that I’d like to tell you about. I am moved and yet, I have found solace in the lyrics, which comes at the end of a song. Now, to be clear, the song was written by a woman that only has a 2% chance to live. Quite openly, she said that 2% is still not 0% and yet, with the odds against her, this young woman who is so amazing, so beautiful as ever, and with eyes that beam like the grace of angels, she sings “It’s okay, if you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright.”
The odds are this singer will not get through her challenge. See, she has cancer and her life is in trouble. She is facing death and yet, she has the bravery to say, “You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy.”
I think this is brilliant. Wait, no. I think this is beautiful and heroic but yet, there is a piece of this truth that cuts deeply. There is a piece of this, which, to people with depression; it’s so heavy, so true, so healing, and yet so painful. I say this is painful because we understand what it feels like to be out of reach. We seem to always come up short. We believe we are incapable and we see ourselves as unable to reach that level of hope because of course, hope can be sharp and cuts equally as sharp as the tightest razorblade.
It’s good to be understood though. It’s good to find out that you’re not alone. It’s good to be acknowledged. Then again, this and a few bucks gets you a trip on the subway in New York City.
Nothing more, nothing less.
I’m not promising anything extra. All I’m saying is there is this thing that drags us under, like quicksand, remember? And no matter how we try, kick, or scream, all we do is sink.
There comes a time when nothing covers the loss. There comes a time when all you can do is breathe. Just breathe. That’s all you can do. And know that I love you
Signed, yours truly