It’s okay to tell on yourself. It’s okay to make the choice to switch or change directions. In fact, at any given moment, you can change your mind. You can improve. You can choose to refrain or choose to advance. At any point; the choice is yours. By the way, I say this for a reason.
There are places I would like to be, like somewhere off the coast of Italy or maybe Fiji. I think I’d like Fiji or wait, maybe there’s a place I’d like to be off the Gulf of Mexico. That would be nice too. There are places from my past that I would like to see again, such as a little town right outside of El Paso. The air was dry and the sky was blue. The desert was like something out of a picture book. Time moved slow. My Mother was there, my Father was there and my brother too.
There are moments that I would like to remember exactly as they were, such as the time I saw my little girl twirling a sparkler for the first time. Her smile was brighter than the sparks and her laugh was more wholesome than the full moon above. There are things that I have done and places I have seen. And I will keep them with me. I will keep this within my heart and hold them like tiny freeze-framed moments, precious as could be, and I will hold them with me from as long as I possibly can.
There are times in my past which are less remarkable. There are moments that I would never want to see again or relive or even remember—but yet, I do.
There are times that I wish would go away, but the scars remain and the details are etched in my soul. I have old visions and flashes that creep in sometimes What does this mean? This means I am alive. I am a series of events. This means that I have history. This means that I have seen both amazing and tragic things. This means that I have to choose the navigation of my thinking. Otherwise, I might find myself lost, like a captain in a storm with no land in sight.
The mind is the conduit but I must be the controller. I am like the brakeman and the engineer on old trains who need to navigate their directions in order to make it to their destination.
I have been here before. Lost, I mean. I suppose you have been here too—lost in our thoughts and stuck. There’s so much of this. There’s so much that we have seen or felt and experienced. Yet, there are so many things that we have seen and experienced that were beautiful too but, which sticks out more?
There are unbelievable moments—like the times I’ve watched the sunset or the times I’ve seen a baby smile. There are times when I experience victories or moments so perfect and so pure—and yet, if you ask me to list them, perhaps I’d struggle to give you my top ten.
Then again, if you were to ask me about my regrets or defects and flaws; or if you asked me to list my worst moments, I could list these with ease. In fact, I have found this to be common among most people. I see this as something relatable to us all. And why is that? Why is it that we can see our faults over our best qualities? Why do we remember the bad better than the good?
Is it the pain, or is it the memory of the pain, which becomes mutated and irrational? Is it the pain or desperation or the fear of feeling desperate again? Maybe it’s the anticipation. Maybe this is what drives us to the point that our fear of feeling this way again becomes so terrible that our fear itself become our own personal boogeyman.
Perhaps this can be contributed to depression or depressive thinking. Or maybe this is just human nature. Maybe there is something natural about this. Maybe this is related to our inner fears and interpersonal worries over judgment, which is really nothing more than judgment from within.
Least of all, the last place I want to live is in my past.
Besides, it is over. It is gone, unalterable and unchangeable. So goodbye.
I say this but I know that I too have become part of this machine. I have watched people waste lifetimes while trying to escape the past and their regrettable yesterdays. Yet, in their best efforts to be free, they are stuck by the shackles and chains of their own thinking.
Least of all, the last place I want to be is stuck in my moments of regret. I want to be free and clear of my old mindsets. I want to stop the old conversations from creeping back in my head—I want to end the rehearsals and the ongoing talks that exist in my internal dialogue.
But if I want to be free then I have to be free.
This is why I say it’s okay to tell on yourself.
If I want to get over my past then I have to move away from my past. This means I cannot live there anymore. I cannot toy with this or pull on the ideas like a piece of unravelling thread that keeps on going.
I caught myself yesterday.
And I call myself out on this because by telling on myself; I hold me accountable for my actions. I found myself at a turning point with three pieces of good news. I was happy and yet, I found myself mulling over the ideas of how things can go wrong at any moment. And do you know what happened? My thinking triggered my emotions, which connected to a chemical reaction and led to this; I went from happy to anxious in the matter of minutes. And why?
The answer is simple.
We can absolutely think ourselves sick.
And if this is true, then we can absolutely think ourselves well.
So I tell on myself to stop this.
I tell on myself because I’ve given myself the permission to do so.
(So I can improve.)
Forward thinking: it’s what helps me be well.
One day at a time—