I am all out of excuses, I told myself. I was awaiting the next scene to play that has yet to unfold. This is life, I said and for others, the day seemed like nothing, like it’s just another moment in the world. The sun rises and sets. The traffic lights change and trigger the “walk” signs at the crosswalks in New York City.
There was nowhere left to hide and no one else to blame. It was me. All me and the angst and the anxiety, the sentiments of foolish nature which, in fairness, all began as an idea to cope or create a sense of comfort for myself.
I see this now and look back at myself. I think about the imperfection of personal mathematics which can often go wrong and I write this openly to acknowledge my imperfections as we all as my ability to feed the irrational thoughts that come to my head.
I am like you. Or, I am no better or worse than anyone else. I have this moment here when I journal but after I press send and release my thoughts into the universe, I am a person who sits in traffic and curses at the cars who brake too often or fail to give way. I’ve had my moments of yelling at signs or at televisions and, yes, I’ve shook my fist at the sky on more than one occasion.
As a person in this world, I appreciate being human because it is more meaningful to relate as a person and be sincere than it is to speak to someone who seems unreal or above us.
I have found myself, on more than one occasion, stuck in the wake of my decisions. I have felt the aftermath of my comments and arguments and, of course, I have heard the saying “You need to think before you act” more times than I can count.
And let’s face it:
There are four words that nearly everyone wants to avoid hearing. These four words are used often and much to our own disappointment, nobody ever wants to hear somebody say, “I told you so!”
I had my fill of hearing it. “I told you so!”
I go back to my opening when I say that I was all out of excuses. I had found myself at the tail end of a meeting that led me towards a professional downfall. I had forgotten myself. I had lost my focus. I gave in to ideas and thoughts that I was somehow less-relevant, less-important. In some way, I was about to lose my status as a valid member of a team.
In all honesty, this thought process was a lingering effect of my insecure need to achieve outside validation. I was lost in my threats of people-pleasing and wanting to be liked. Ah, but when I saw this become a threat, I reacted to the chemical changes in my body – which is otherwise known as emotions.
I fed the fears that churned my adrenaline system and placed my emotional investments in unrewarding ideas that distanced me from the truth. I was not thinking clearly. I was expecting the catastrophes. In fact, I expected my predictions to the point where I depended on them to be true.
There is a reason why they call this, “rock bottom.” There’s no one else around but us and the outcome of our decisions. This is humility in its purest form. All there is are the reminders of our decisions and actions. We envision our mistakes as if we knew (somehow) that this was a foreshadowing nature that would lead us to an unwanted outcome. Yet, we still did what we did. We said what we said. We fought and we argued. We hit below the belt and then when faced with the facts of what we said or did, now we feel it. Now we see it. Now we can hear ourselves and recall the tiny inner voice which called out to us and said, “Don’t do it!”
Acting out of anger has never returned a fair regard. And here’s a little truth about wars and fights and battles that go on too long. Nobody wins them. No one wins in resentment. Rage and revenge might pay out as a short-term advocate but in the end, low blows and slander comes with a boomerang effect that can spin around and knock us off of our feet.
I often discuss the difference between paranoia and depression. I like to talk about the effects of anxiety and the decisions we make on its behalf. Since all the world’s a stage and all we can do is wait for the next scene to unfold, then understanding our energy and owning our personal traits is the key to promote the next best act.
For example, as I sat with the ideas and the aftermath of some poor professional decisions, I had to come to an honest conclusion. This called for truth and for an honest assessment of why I acted or spoke out.
What was it?
Was it me?
Were any of my fears real?
Or, was this a combination of irrational theories and insecurities?
This is where honesty served to be my best friend. Although, I admit that my truth was tough to swallow, at least I was able to grow from this.
By figuring the basic emotions, I connected my actions to their sources. I was afraid. I was worried that I would be rejected. I was stuck in the belief that somehow, someone “new” would come along and that “they” would prove to be more efficient than me.
Also, starting from my basic truths, I struggled with the fears of loss; as in a loss of importance or a loss of external validation and the friendly rewards that come with the accolades and applause.
There is this constant race and struggle in the workstations where people worry about the workers to their left or right. There is a need to be one step ahead or one level above the next. Otherwise, there is a worry that somehow, someone might come along and be better, faster, stronger, smarter or more likable.
I can say this definitively and without any uncertainty that the confidence does not need to shout or prove itself.
I can say that confidence and arrogance are two separate things and that “know-it-all-ism” is a dangerous trade.
In the end, my search for truth has been designed to lead me towards my personal holy grail. I am in search of the meaning of true comfort. I am in search of the answer to my riddles of fear. I want to find my place of balance and realize that I am equipped and capable of being successful without trying to pull off a trick or prove my point.
My main objective is to either create or achieve my best possible destination. My hopes are that by journaling about my journey, I can build upon my hopes and dreams; but more, I am searching to prove one simple case, which is that none of us are really alone. We only think we are. And like me or like anyone else in this world, the fact is we are all capable of poor decisions. The need for balance and safety is real. However, our needs are seldom broken down to a simple form.
Everyone is searching for their comfort. We all want to be happy yet sometimes our worries and concerns lead us in directions that are counterproductive at best.
So, what can we do about this?
First, find the right people to speak with. Be careful about this choice and remember, always look for the appropriate levels of support.
Find someone who can help you trace back your actions to your thoughts and feelings and above all, be honest with this process. Hence, this is why it is important to find the right person to address this with. First, humility deserves comfort as well as confidentiality.
Look to break down your behaviors and connect them with emotions. This way, you can understand your triggers and rather than respond or act on their behalf, we can navigate away from troubled thinking and keep ourselves from catastrophizing ideas that only serve to magnify our stress levels.
This is life and life might seem lonely at times, but no one ever said you have to go at it alone. There is help out there. But hey, if you can’t find the right help – reach out to me. I’m always open to being helpful.