The morning was like a brief interlude after a night out with friends. As usual, I was up early because I’ve always had trouble sleeping on floors. Let alone, I never slept much anyway, least of all, as late as the rest of my friends who were sleeping it off the night before. No one else was awake in the small apartment, except for Pete. We were both sleeping on the floor because Steve already took the couch and the beds were all taken. Besides, this was not our apartment.Continue reading
Someone talked about stigma the other day.
I shake my head when this comes up –
I remember someone telling me about my tattoos and how this brands me. I was told what this does to my appearance to which I said, at least you can see who I am.
You can’t always say this about the plain skinned or the people who hide in plain sight.
I hear people talking about the City and how she’s changed. I keep thinking to myself that maybe it’s us who have changed. Maybe it’s us who have forgotten to take care of the streets or how to clean up after ourselves. So, in fairness, maybe it’s not the City at all.
Maybe it’s us.
I keep hearing about the problems with our sanitation and the problems with the homeless and how the City has lost its way because of crime. But again, I don’t see this as a problem of the City. I see this as a problem of the people. I see this as a reminder that we have forgotten what it means to show the pride of ownership. I see this as symptomatic errors that result from real problems.
It is another morning in August, the ninth, I believe.
Well, here I am world.
Here we are in the northern hemisphere, rounding the orbit where Earth begins to tilt away from the sun. The hours of sunlight will become shorter and soon enough the winds will become cooler and even sooner, this year will become last and next year will be another spin around the sun.
I was thinking about the childish games we play, like social chess or interpersonal checkers. I think it would be just as well if we admitted to all of this. Or, maybe it’s more fun if we went back to a simpler time – like say, maybe we can play a game of marbles – or maybe we can shoot for it or play rock, paper scissors or something like that.Continue reading
I have an idea. Then again, let’s just call it that. It’s an idea and yet, the details to me are unrealistic at best. But either way, the idea is real and a bit more than one-dimensional.
I have been watching videos of flying lessons. To be clear, I’m not afraid to fly. At least not when I’m sitting in a seat on a flight out of places like JFK or LaGuardia or maybe even Newark, which is not a bad place as far as airports go.
It’s not a bad feeling to be in first class or business class when they pass by with a hot towel and pre-flight beverage of your choice.
I am somewhat of a person who thinks too often and thinks too deeply. And yet, maybe I am a person who doesn’t think too clearly or if I think at all, I often wonder if I think before I speak.
I am a real person in which I have a heart that beats. I have lungs that breathe and a mind that works – at least to some degree.
I am a son to the world. I am a connection to an extension of all that led up to this moment.
I am me; in which case, if I am to admit or if I am to claim anything – then let me start here.
Right now. Perhaps to you this may seem too vague or too abstract; to me, this is only a section of time and a moment of beauty. This is me enjoying a stream of words that flow so easily now because there are no distractions around us. No, it’s just me. And it’s just you.
I have to believe in this thing I have.
What I mean is, I have no choice because the other choices are not attractive to me, which means I have to believe in this thing I have. I have to do this because this is all I have, which is why I’ve come here to say what I have to say and hence; this is why I’ve come here to share this with you – to give you everything I have (and then some).
Come to think of it:
Charles Bukowski once wrote “find what you love and let it kill you.”
I understand what he means and far be it from me to judge or argue, but I don’t want anything to kill me. At least, not anymore.
Instead, I think we should find what we love and let this save us. Let this fill us. Let this put wind in our sails and provide the momentum we need to move at light speed – and yet, as fast as we go, we’ll never miss a thing because finally, we’ve found this amazing concept that makes us whole again – and now we can see everything.
To tell you the truth, I’m a fan of youth. I’m a fan of anything young and hopeful. In fact, it took me decades to be able to say this: I want this to be me. No matter how old I get, I still want to be the youthful version of myself which I hid away for a very long time.
To be clear, I think the biggest thefts of all are the thefts that steal away our youthfulness. I think the biggest bully of all is social conformity and the need to fit or the need to “grow up” so-to-speak and become so distant from our true selves.
I understand that with age comes responsibility. I understand that when I was a young person, I spoke like a young person and thought like a young person. I also understand that at some point, I put away my favorite toys to conform to the person who I thought I was supposed to be.
I admit to it. I was not always the person I am today. I also admit that my personal awkwardness and my need to fit “in” or be “cool” was enough to overrun the nicer parts of me. Therefore, I admit to being a “guy” and I admit to playing the games and subscribing to a role that was not fitting for my best possible potential.
I also firmly and somewhat regretfully admit to my dating flaws and single-life fiasco, my lies by omission, or the mistruths and manipulations of time and facts. Yes, this was me. Yes, I was bitter in some regards because I was uncomfortable. And yes, there were funny moments and not-so-funny ones at the same time.
Do you remember your early 20’s? Or, maybe you’re in them now. Or, maybe not. Maybe your 20’s were not your glory years or maybe you’ve moved so far away that you forgot what this was like.
Do you remember the nights you went out with your friends? What about the wild nights?
Did you have them?
I had plenty of them.
I go back to them and sift through old memories of nostalgia, especially now when the summer is nearly over. I go back to these times when the summer is near the end and soon enough, September rolls around and the summer is gone.
(Just like that!)
I think about the nights on the water and the places we gathered. I think about the songs which seemed to intentionally play at the same time every night. This meant things were about to get going. This meant the night was about to get hot and pick up speed, which it did.