Daylight switches to dusk and night becomes the morning.
I’ve written this before yet it’s as though I’ve never said this out loud.
Before we know it, days have gone by (sometimes weeks or even months and then it’s years) and there we are, standing there with our questions and wondering about the things we missed. We find ourselves at an understanding time that’s slipped through our fingers like the finest sand from some distant beach.
The years go between good ones and bad ones with some being better than others.
We find ourselves in various quandaries and uncertainties; yet, maybe we put on a brave face.
Maybe we act as if “We got it” or we present ourselves before the masses in some orderly way as if to prove something about us – but hey, who are we kidding?
We’re all lost at one point or another.
I’ve changed over the years . . . the same as you have.
I’ve grown in some ways. Perhaps I’ve slid backwards in other ways.
But nevertheless, I still believe.
I believe in the good because I want to.
I believe in hope because I choose to and not because I have to, which is not to say that I do not have my mild bouts with insanity or struggles with doubts. Obviously, I’m human which means that I have bouts with my sanity and struggles with regret.
However, I believe there are good people. By the way, there is proof of this.
Even if the proof only comes in small glimpse or if the moments we shine are rare or infrequent, I still believe there are good people out there and t’s not easy to be good. At least not always. But the good people are as it says; Behold, you were sent out amongst the wolves in sheep’s clothing.
I believe there are good hearted people because I watched a father hold his physically challenged son while looking for a seat on the train. Even if only one person (other than me) stood up and offered their seat . . . at least someone offered.
I believe in goodness and goodwill because although it is safe to say that I have seen ugliness, it is safe to say that I have seen the madness of insanity and the aggression of angry people who live angry lives and do angry things. I have seen the glimmer of light in the darkest places which, to my best summarization, to keep it simple, darkness cannot win so long as there is still a glimpse of light – and there is light. I know there is. I know it because I can see it. Not always but still, I can still see the traces of my hopes in darker moments. To me – this means as long as there is sight that I have vision.
Maybe I believe this because it would appear that I am living on borrowed time.
Maybe because I’ve borrowed so much time, I believe that I owe.
Maybe I believe because I have survived so much (just like you have) and because of this, I recognize my responsibility to pay this forward and recirculate the wealth of survival which we call life.
Sure, I can say that I owe.
I can say that I also look to replenish.
I owe plenty. I owe myself.
I owe you.
I owe it to the universe to “get my steps in” and plant whichever seeds I can to support our mutual existence and have us (and our history) become more than some random memory of a crazy moment in Midtown.
Do I believe?
In God, you mean?
Well; my answer is yes.
I answer this carefully because belief in God is not too popular these days.
Although, in fairness to myself and to my beliefs, my belief system is not the same as other organized beliefs and my need to be popular has subsided – at least to some degree.
My belief is true, to which I keep my beliefs close to my heart and I hold them tightly.
This has become a part of my sanity.
This is my way of maneuvering through the world and finding a way to make sense of the craziness. Plus, this is not about my needs to be accepted; but more, I use this moment of prayer (if you will) as a time to talk to the winds and leave my confessions with the sky. Oh, and yes –
\I do confess.
I believe this way because I choose to and not because I am told to.
I believe, and not because I am frightened of a fiery pit or demons or pitchforks.
No, that’s not for me.
I believe because I want to believe in love. I believe because hate has done nothing more for me than taught me how to hate and degrade myself and curse the world around me,
I believe because I understand the value of sin and the weight of its regret. I believe in the degradation of self which is nothing else but a reflection of me (or us, or you).
I believe because in the face of my sins and fears, there is something clean; there is something beautiful and there is something which I believe can be available, that can wash away the filth of my misgivings and cleanse me from my mistakes.
So I can be pure again.
If this is what they call faith, then yes. I have faith.
And if this is all I have, then let me have it.
Let this be mine and let me keep this sacred. I shall save it because without it, I am lost like a king without a sword or a land without a king – or like a wanderer without a destination, a man with no home nor direction; no promise, no love, and no way to find that thing we call redemption.
I am no more special than the next person and yet, the only thing that makes me special is me and, of course, you.
This makes me special; you and the beautiful compliments of the world that consists of simple things like love in my heart, a dream in my soul, and the plans in my head.
Do I have a plan you ask?
Well, not really.
But I do have this trick that I’ve been building for quite some time now.
Hopefully, you’ll be there to see the curtain go up
and hear me say . . .