A Witness Through The Window – Entry 17

There is a long standing argument that to someone who believes they have nothing, there is someone else who sees them as a person with everything. Yet, there is a person who has everything and to them, it’s as if they have nothing.
And so it goes this way sometimes. Life.
Or is it life and the common misperceptions of what life is?
Sometimes, there are people who overlook the simplest things. There are those who overlook the simplest accomplishment or say; simply breathing, which to someone else, this is all uphill; yet, this is life.
Sometimes, this is us. Mistaken, misguided and frequently misinformed.

We are often unaware of what we have or what we are capable of.
We are constantly misled by the inaccuracy of perception.
We miscalculate, misconstrue and give in to a misdiagnosis which is as equally unfair as it is inaccurate.

This is me –
A human. A person.
See me?
As I have explained to you in the past, I am a searcher.
I am on a journey, like I have told you several times before and I am equally susceptible to being misled or misguided by my own self-created landmines. I say this because we are all this way. Some are worse off and some are better – but in the end, flesh and bone, blood and breath, we’re all here just trying to find our way.

Somewhere, right now, there is someone sitting in a position in their life and looking upwards at someone who can do nothing els but believe in their own lowness.
Someone is limping while being admired by someone who cannot walk and someone who cannot walk is being envied by someone who will not live.

And it goes this way, sometimes.
Life.
I understand this is raw.
I understand this is a cold hard fact.
However, I understand that this needs to be said and, more importantly, this needs to be understood.
We seem to forget about our true wealth. Moreover, we tend to focus on the internal poverties which bleed into our external lives and lead us to an inaccurate picture that we see in the mirror.

No one is truly aware of how they are seen.
And I mean truly seen.
I mean seen in the way of someone who watches them with pure admiration and appreciation.
Most people are unaware of what love is because they’ve placed an inaccurate expectation on themselves; hence. they cannot love themselves nor see a valid reason why anyone else would love them completely or unconditionally. Therefore, love becomes elusive. Or wait, no. Love becomes exclusive.

Often, most people don’t know what it means to have someone tell them, “I’m proud of you.”
(and believe it)
Or, better yet, there are people who never heard these words from the person who matters the most. Sometimes, the people who are supposed to love us the most are those who show it the least. Then what? 
What’s the translation from this?
How does this change the way we see ourselves?
Or does this change the way we see ourselves?
Maybe this is the stranger question . . .

In the depths of my transformation, I swore that if I am to be anyone; then let me be free.
If I am to be a man; or if a man is who I am – then let me define this man by my own standards.
Therefore, allow me to deviate away from the standards and become who I choose.
Allow me to define myself as I choose because if I am to be anyone then please, just let me define myself as this –
Free

I offer this, not as a person in captivity; however, I offer this as a window with a view of a person who understands the typical dungeons that take place in the captivity of self.
I offer this as a captive of the mind; as a person who has seen the lies and yet, I offer this as a person who stepped from a caged life and as a result, I felt fear because now what?
What happens when you come to the stage of awareness?
What happens when you can no longer plead ignorance?
What happens after you awaken to a moment when realization takes place?
What happens when the light of your new awareness is too bright to ever shut your eyes again?

This is why people keep running from themselves. But ah, the saying is true.
No matter where you go, there you are.
You can run, but you can’t hide.
At least, not from you.

I know what it means to stay up at night, can’t sleep and, meanwhile, the clock is counting down to wake up time.
I know what it’s like to have old thoughts and old conversations go off in your head; yet, I also know what it feels like to have a sudden recollection from the past come up and almost involuntarily – your body moves in revolt, as if the crime is actually happening again.
You want to respond. You want to react.
You want to say something but to whom?
Who are you talking to, if not just a phantom in your mind?
You want to fight back so you practice the speeches you’ll say in your head.
You’ll rehearse your lines but the moment is dead and the past is irretrievable.
Besides . . .
Who are we talking to anyway?
Who are you talking to if not just an unresolved tension that exists in our memory?
Who are you defending yourself from?
What are you doing besides reliving an instance which is something that brings out the imbalance of shame or which emerges as an assault against the ego – or which strikes us as a moment of vulnerability – to which we feel unprotected or maybe even violated and ah, here comes the resentments now, all in a line.
Here they come, just waiting for the time when you think you can sleep – but no.
Your thoughts show up to keep your chemistry alive.

I offer this as a window of a different sort. I offer this as an expression of myself – or wait, no. I offer this as an explanation of thefts to which the mind conducts on a frequent basis.

I offer this as a person who has sat in the loneliest of places, believing the worst of myself; believing that I am alone, unwanted, unremarkable and I offer this as an admission of arrogance and ignorance.
I offer this because in the worst of my times; I offer this as someone who realizes that outside of myself – there is someone who is saying, “I wish I had it that good.” Therefore, it is me who wrongs myself. Not anyone else.

And so it happens this way.
Sometimes.
We find ourselves hurting and sad.
And so it goes like this from time to time – and we’ll be lost.
We’ll be down and out. And it’ll happen like this too; when somehow, our eyes open in a way that they can no longer shut.
We can see now..
Ignorance can no longer plead the case because we know better.
In the end, all of our social lies and our bullshit excuses become obliterated by one fact:
No one can hold me back but me.
No one can hold you back but you.
No one has the right to hold you back and no one has the right to beat you into submission.
Including you. 

Dear Self, 

I know who you are and I know that you’re in there.
I know that you’re scared and what you’re worried about.
I know that you want my attention and trust me, I’m right here.
I can say, try not to worry, but I know that sometimes it’s not that easy.

All I can say is this –
I know where you are and though it may seem as if I don’t notice you – trust me, I notice you perfectly.
I notice everything.
I see you every day when I look in the mirror.
So, please don’t think that you are being ignored.
I’m not ignoring you at all and I never will.

It’s just that sometimes, I have to come up with a plan to keep us safe and protect us both.  
Understand?
I know you want to play. I know you want to laugh and I know you want to be part of the fun.
So do I.
I suppose this is why I come here, each day, at every sunrise.
I come to let you know this one special thing which is this: I love you.
And because this is so – no one can ever touch you
Not unless we let them

Always ~

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