Just a Thought, Just Because – When I’m Found

If I am to find myself,
then I will have to search in places
which I have never seen
nor ever dared to look.

If I am to find myself,
then I will have to explore my truth; but more,
I will have to understand that to define myself
this means to design myself.
This means that I will have to outline
the patterns of my truth because otherwise,
nothing else will be acceptable –

Or should I say accepted?
As in to be accepted; but by whom?
By me? By you?
Or, should I say accepted;
as in the means of being accepted
or, in other words,
should I say accepted as a means
of finding this from within
as in – acceptance

As in to accept myself
As in
to accept my truth and to understand;
to acknowledge and comprehend;
to know what I can and cannot do; but more,
if I am to accept this
then I will first have to understand the difference
between limits and limitations

I will have to understand this
as a means to decipher
between mental and physical or
as a means to differentiate
between the deception of my perception
and the truth of my actual potential –
because potentially,
for me to be my best
(or for you to be yours)
This means to be at our best,
even when we are at our worst

To be our best:
As in to defy our default settings
As in to defy the times when we used to backslide
or fall into old patterns or resume the natures
of our past unhappiness.

To be at our best:
As in to redefine ourselves,
executively and consecutively,
on a daily basis. from this day forward
because otherwise –
It’s just too dammed easy to give in.

Therefore . . .
If I am to find myself, then first,
I have to define what I want this to be.
I have to define what I want to see 
I have to know what I want this to look like
because if I can’t see it,
then how am I going to have it?

Thus –
I have to build this like a home –
like a church
or like my own personal sanctuary
or steeple.
I have to add walls, doors. rooms and hallways.
I have to create my altar of peace
I have to decorate this.

I have to color this in a pattern of warmth
I have to be able to use this as a place of protection
because if I am to build this, even if only in my mind;
if this is to be my home then this is to be my kingdom –
this is my castle in the mind;
in which case, I am safe here like a child in the opal of hope,
where it’s safe to play or dwell, to create,
or rest; and more,
this means that I am safe to address the next day,
one after another
because, above all things, if I am to find myself here
then I must first define myself here
and be comfortable enough
to do this one day after the other. 

My purpose is this:
It is to evolve without regret
My purpose is to become without seeking pardon
My purpose is to defy the old narrative
Therefore,
my purpose is to design a new path –
one day at a time,
without going backwards
or looking over my shoulder
to find out who cares . . .

If I am to find myself then, yes, absolutely.
I have to understand where I have been
I will have to do this without looking backwards
or over my shoulder.
I will have to understand this without reliving the past;
as if to rehearse the old conversations
to keep them from happening again
or to relitigate the violations of my yesterday’s intrusions
to keep myself clean
and, at last, moving forward.

If I am to understand where I come from
then I will only do this to prevent me from being where I was –
then, in this case,
I will have to learn from my history.
And so, rather than live in my antiquity,
I will dismiss and forgive us, our trespasses
and those who trespass against us – or so it says

This means to move forward,
I will have to live in my ability to see myself
as new
and to see me through the next day;
I will have to keep going this way
until the next day
and the next one after.

It’s like this:
If I am to find me,
then I have to find me as if I will never die.
If I am to find me –
then I will have to find me as if I will die tomorrow
and to die with no regrets;
this means that I will have to start living now;
as in right this very minute.
This means . . .
I will have to act
as if today is both the first and last

This means I’ll have to make this moment count
because there is no other moment like this one
There is no other here and now
anything else would be considered then or “when” or otherwise
everything else will be out of my control
(understand?)

If I am to find me . . .
Then I have to “find me”
which means that my search
must begin immediately.

Right now.
Come on . . .
Hurry. Quick!

This means that I must be willing to search for this relentlessly,
every day, without apology
as if this is no different or less crucial than finding air to breathe,
or food to strengthen me. 

If I am to find me,
then I cannot give up
or give in to distractions
I cannot give way to fears or postpone any of my glory
based on the interactions or the dependance of others
because if I am to find myself,
then I have to define myself
by understanding that everything in my life starts, begins,
and ends with me.

Anything that will come before me will come before me.
Anything that comes after will come after
but anything that depends on me cannot survive without me,
especially if I cannot survive myself. 

I declare this
I own it because . . .
I am the square root of this equation.
I am the roots to which I have planted in the ground.
I am the ability to grow and reshape
I am the branches of my dreams
which reach up to the heights of heaven
and have shelters in place
for my truest loves

I am the face of my future
and the fears which I have left behind me;
they are the deterrents that have left me in the dark
waiting, wanting, wishing,
hoping that perhaps some day,
maybe the sun will shine on my face too – someday.

My purpose is this
To define my ambition
To find my direction
To function
To determine my targets
To understand the reasons,
which will lead me to my “whys” and “wherefores”

This is my path from here on in.

If I am to find myself
Then I have to know myself
I have to know the difference
between intimidations and actual limitations
I have to know my triggers
and my responses; but more,
I have to understand where this came from.

I need to understand this so that I can understand
that where I came from is behind me –
but where I want to be is in front of me,
consecutively, as in continuously, sequentially or in succession;
if I am to find me, then I am to find me, each day . . . .
progressively

From this day forward
or
From now until the hour of my death (Amen) yet
If I am to find me
then I am to find that neither you nor I will ever die
because facts cannot fade and fears cannot change truth
And, are you ready for this?

The truth is, if I am to find me,
then I will have found that who I am is who I’ve always been –
which is me, right here, your humble narrator,
the voice in your ear
and the love in your heart.

This is me, swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth
(So help me, God.)
Because this is who I am

When I’m found –