Sometimes you have to dig down deep
in order to let go.
Sometimes, I feel.
Sometimes, I want.
Sometimes, I wish and sometimes I weep
and oftentimes, I wonder.
Sometimes I move in circles
to come back and overlap where I began
to see how far I’ve come or to recognize
where I’ve been.
Sometimes, I look back at how small
I was and see how much I’ve grown.
This is amazing to me.
It’s amazing to look back at my big intimidations
and realize how tiny they are to me . . .
now
Sometimes,
it takes an entire revolution of the Earth
to go around the sun
to realize that we are simply on a trip,
that we are tipped on an axis,
rotating around,
and moving through our slot in the universe
and to us, this means as big as we think we are
or as huge as the moments may seem to us,
at best, we are only a tiny glimpse or glimmer
of something the size of less than a molecule
As we big as we are or self-important,
we are tiny as atoms and, in the face of time,
we are otherwise undetectable
Sometimes,
we allow ourselves to get mixed up
in the convolutedness of our simple lives,
to which we complicate this
or twist and contort ourselves
due to the stimulations of the mind,
which are ideas that were somehow put there
either through some kind of lesson
or message that was passed on like a baton
in some unwinnable relay race or,
in other ways, these ideas seeped in through the cracks,
via the pathways from our cognitive pasts.
These are the symptoms
that have enacted the bullyisms in the brain
to which we say, “Yeah. I remember when that happened”
And I’ll never let that happen to me again.
I’ll never let that be me again – a victim,
sorry, gullible, or vulnerable
and weak to the point where
I, myself, will be in danger of being the fool
or find out that somehow,
I was the punchline to someone’s unwanted joke.
We guard ourselves with plastic shields
and use matchstick swords
that splinter and flame with insecure lies;
when in fact, the true shield is truth.
The true sword is, in fact, double-edged and yes;
this can cut from both sides
because its wholesomeness is sharp,
unable to be dulled, undeniable and more,
our truth is the freedom
that can cut through the chains of our personal lies –
and yet, for some reason
we deny this
Come, step into the light.
Don’t be afraid.
It’s okay to step away for a while.
It’s okay to be you because of all things;
this is the only thing you can be;
but more, this is the bravest concept of who you are –
to dare the edges of disagreeing souls
to separate from those who see differently
or to stand on your own two feet for, of course,
the right reasons as opposed to
standing amongst the masses
or with unwanted company for the wrong ones,
just because you fear being alone,
afraid to be singled out, or worse,
because you fear something about yourself
is enough to make you unwanted
Sometimes,
you have to come to an agreement with yourself.
You have to pass the crossroads and come to a choice.
You have to choose a way without overthinking
or looking back and wishing
perhaps you should have chosen
a different road.
Don’t worry about these questions.
Everyone has them.
Everyone looks back at some point,
especially when things don’t go their way
or later on, when they realize they chose poorly
or if they simply chose out of indecision,
everyone looks back with the would haves,
should’ves, could’ves,
which is of no benefit to anyone
I lived a life of intersecting corridors and pathways.
I have missed connections
and chosen to sit in subway cars
or trains that went at different speeds
and off in different directions.
I have come back though, in full circle,
here and now, alive and well.
I have come back to see where I was and, in fact,
although my heart wished for so long
that I could’ve gone back to overturn my decisions,
I can’t go back,
no matter how hard I try.
I can remember the impasse.
I can remember a moment when there I was
at the crossroads where and in fact
I made the decision which was
either I live for the rest of my life
and never contemplate the end again,
or, to give in and surrender,
or to wither into self
like a sandcastle washed to sea –
once alive, but no more
Sometimes, it’s good to say this
although . . .
no one will ever tell you these things.
No one will ever open up or uncover their truth
in fear that somehow,
this will weaken them or otherwise,
make them human.
I lived a lie for way too long.
I lived with personal lies,
which no one knew about
except me (and now you) but more,
I lived with the lie that I could not face
nor could I look at myself in the mirror
because while the world looked at me
and sometimes cheered, deep within,
I knew there was something missing.
I knew there was a deception,
internally, and yes, I knew that there could only be
so much more that I could take.
I knew that like the levee,
eventually, the seas would crash too many times
and essentially, I would eventually flood
and be submerged by my truth. . . .
And the truth is that it was never me.
No, that was only pretend.
So? I wore my brave face.
I put on a smile.
I learned to have a sense of wit
and falsified my charisma
to take on the world and act as if all was well,
but in reality, or internally,
the sands in my hourglass
were trickling away,
falling through and coming soon,
the storms were the bough that broke
and yes, essentially, the cradle did fall
and then downward came the baby –
cradle and all.
Sometimes, I can hardly look back.
I have pictures in a box,
kept away, somewhere,
and in this box are photographs that I can hardly see
or regard
because rather than look back at the pain
of who I was,
I’d rather look ahead. I’d rather look forward at who I am
and become who I am destined to be.
Sometimes . . . .
It’s enough to just sit quietly
and listen to the emptiness of nothing.
It’s enough to hear the outside air
while teams of crickets chirp in a mismatched rhythm.
Sometimes . . . .
It’s enough to feel and be without saying,
doing, or having to prove
anything to anyone.
It’s enough to detach from the right and wrongs,
or the doubts, the curiosity,
and inaccurate assumptions that distract
or separate us from an accurate
and more important version of the world.
It’s enough to have a good meal
and to sit back and be satisfied.
Sometimes . . . .
It’s enough to think to yourself.
It’s enough to sit still or to think of who you love
and who you regard so closely and dearly.
It’s enough to sit still
and be quiet
and allow this to be the sole purpose
of what puts wind in your sails.
It’s enough to think of who you are
instead of what you missed.
It’s enough to recognize what you’ve accomplished
or who you’ve touched or made a difference to.
It’s enough to see what you did
and how you moved on
instead of thinking about regret
or the things you wished you could undo
or the words you wish you could unsay.
Sometimes . . . .
It’s enough to be yourself.
It’s enough to indulge in the absolute silence
without the melancholy of loneliness
or the regard for the emptiness
in the chairs around you.
Sometimes . . . .
It’s enough to have scars, weaknesses,
vulnerabilities, bruises, pains, or scrapes and abrasions
and, with all of this, it’s enough
to still have the wherewithal to realize
that although life is not fair,
at least we endured.
At least we can stand up to the best of our ability
and whether we struck a chord
or missed the note,
at least we can say that we stood here and stand
with all of our heart.
We sang and we danced.
We celebrated
We dared the lines.
We howled at the moon
and stayed awake until dawn.
No, there are no guarantees in life.
There is no backwards.
No one ever promised easiness.
No one told you
there would always be peace and harmony.
Sometimes,
things are not bound to get better,
Sometimes, it’s enough to recognize
there’s a fight on our hands
and that peace might come,
or it might not,
which is fine then and so be it.
And that’s why there’s now,
to have this moment between you and me,
even if nothing else comes our way,
at least we have this.
Now.
Sometimes,
it is best to understand the problems
and the weight upon our shoulders
are not always what we assume them to be.
It’s just another day.
It’s only another revolution around the globe
and once more around the sun.
Sometimes . . . .
It’s good enough to sit in your own company
or with however few or many you love
and what you have for the moment
is just enough to feel fine.
I used to want to act like I had it all.
And I still do, have it all I mean.
Only, my definition of what I have
is much different from before
because before I was lost
Now, I am found.
Now, I have you
I have this,
which means this moment in time
is more valuable than anything
because once it’s gone,
we can never get it back.
Sure, I’ve traveled a bit.
I’ve come back though
to this spot right here –
to see how much I’ve grown
and to recognize how deeply
I missed your reflection in the mirror –
Looks like you and I picked a good day to be alive.
Know what I mean?
The Written Addiction 