Just a Thought, Just Because – That Thing in the Mind

Now, here’s a thought to remember . . .
I know that perhaps I paraphrase
but in each is their own internal strife or struggle,
which means that somewhere,
someone or something has gone wrong
and in the magnificent journey of life unfolding,
we find ourselves at the doorstep of different conclusions.

This can come from anywhere and from anyone.
Our life comes in different shapes and sizes
and whereas one sees something,
another might see something else,
as in entirely.

The truth is . . .
Everyone has their own life and,
additionally, everyone has their own internal bully. 
Everyone has that thing in the mind,
that voice, or that internal conversation
which can either lead us towards victory
or steer us into madness
and keep us from success.

We have been taught by some of our impositions
on how to be or how to react.
We have been shown things
which are neither right nor fair or wrong and yet,
we thought that what we learned was normal
because why else would we learn these lessons
if there was no reason to learn them at all?

Why else would we learn from this
if for no other reason
than to expect life to unfold the same way,
like a note from someone
in your seventh grade classroom –
Why else do we learn what we learn?

Or more, why else do we expect things to happen, again,
and repeatedly as well as similarly because of course,
isn’t this life?
How we do one thing is how we do all things,
or so I’ve been told,
and there it is, summed up so quickly,
listed in a few short verses.
Life in the habitual loop.

Life is unfolding in the aftermath of lessons
which unfold on a daily basis.
And there it is,
childhood in a nutshell.
Trauma, redefined.
Challenges, issues, fears,
and our nervous apprehensions
defined by the anticipation
of what we expect to come.

There it is
our levels of comfort
and relationship with the familiar feelings
of discomfort as well.

It is, of course,
the moment when we find ourselves,
which perhaps is timely and unique and to me –
I know that where I am is not lost
or far or away from where
or who I want to be.
It’s right there. somewhere in front of me,
only sometimes, we’re blind to things
which are right there,
right in front of us
right before our eyes,
and hidden in plain sight;
thus, we fail to see it
like seekers of the obvious.

I know that above all,
I know where I’ve been and since this is so,
then it is also so that my life
has taken some unexpected turns.
Some of my turns were harmful and self-inflicted.
Some of my turns were out of my control
and others are par for the course
because, of course,
I have come to the understanding that to each person
is their own science.

To each is their own pathology
and chemistry.
To each are their own experiences
and mishaps, falls, blunders, recovery,
and special victories, which (at least to me)
these are the only things that get me up in the morning
and keep me going.

I used to chase my tail.
I used to chase highs and rushes
sought through quick fixes
just to buy me some more time
until I figure out my spot
and see how I can move on to the next one

I see it now.
I see my old teachers,
which are not limited to those
who stood in front of classrooms
or stood in front of chalkboards
with pointers and lesson plans telling us things
about how to spell, like I before E except after C –
only, life and the way it spells out
are not always spelled in a way that we understand.
Am I right?

I learned on the street.
I learned in the playground.
I learned in houses.
I learned in fights. I learned in chases
which took place in simple yet suburban lifestyles.

I learned in dark places,
which is where I was able to understand
the balance of light.

I found out more about real life
when I stepped outside the realms of my reality.
I learned that life to me
is life to me.

There’s a great big world out there
with different people
who see different things,
who’ve gone through different lifestyles
and lived in different cultures.

There’s another world out there
which is a world that no one else will ever know
because even if we see the same thing,
no one ever sees things
exactly the same way.

I’ll never know
what the sky looks like through your eyes.
I’ll never know what rain feels like
when it falls on your shoulders.
Sure, I might be close. I might relate
But no matter what,
I will never experience touch
through your nerve endings
nor see light through your eyes.

I’ll never know anything beyond myself
or my interpretation and therefore,
by understanding this, I have come to the understanding
that I only know me which, in fairness,
allows me to know you at a different
and much deeper level.

This allows me to be me
and you to be perfectly unique.

I have spent years looking, searching,
and trying to find myself. Safe to say,
I have spent the same amount of time
looking, searching,
and trying to find the other parts of me,
such as the other pieces of my heart
or the person who would compliment my edges,
perfectly and wholeheartedly, without flaw
but not flawless; but instead,
in my estimation, this would only mean one thing
that you and me . . .
are perfect together.

I have thought myself into chaos.
I have seen the bad side of towns and cities.
I’ve been underground, in the pits of despair,
out of luck, and out of my head
and more than once too.

I’ve been crazy my entire life,
which is fine because some people
never assume they’re crazy,
which, in fairness, aren’t we all a little crazy
at least once or twice?

Life – it is this big thing.
It is not without reason
that we seek or we search.
It is not without reason that we find ourselves
in moments of doubt or despair.
It is not without reason that the sky falls
or the rain hits and it is definitely
not without reason that we all find darkness
and, therefore, finally
we understand what it means to come into light.

It is not without reason that at times,
my heart seemed either empty or bottomless
because without these times
and without these lessons,
I might not have the drive or the passion
to fill my soul until my cup runneth over. 
Without these lessons,
whether good or bad, poor or inaccurate,
I would have never learned
what it means to be alive

It’s not the dark we fear or the absence of light;
it’s the worry that when the light comes,
it might go away again
which is why
people find themselves stuck in discomfort.
This is why people are afraid to let go of pain
because what happens if they let go
and the pain comes back again?

This is where anxiety comes from
and where anticipation kills our momentum
or the drive to move forward.

Pain and fear and discomfort
can become understandable
as well as dependable.
Fear of the unknown, outrun by the fears of loss,
overtaken by the worries without sunlight,
connected to the addiction to chaos,
which tumbles down, somewhat expectedly –
or so we’ve been taught. 

“I mean hey, this is who I am,”

You have to unlearn what you’ve learned
and rewire your thinking
to update your thoughts
and allow yourself to be free,
as in not under the control
or caught by the power of something
(or someone) else, including yourself.

To be free from your own thoughts,
free from the prison of self,
free from the thoughts you thought were true
and more,
free from the lessons that you learned so long ago.

It’s okay to come out now . . .
All the external bullies have gone away.
But oh, as for the others who linger
or the doubt within you.
Don’t worry about that
I’ll be right here on watch to protect you,
just in case you need me,
in this life and the next

So help me God


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