This book of prose has been my way of setting the clocks back,
just so I can catch up with myself by returning to the basic aspect
of why I started this journey.
I am looking for something. I am searching for something
which is right here and with me now yet there is something
absent about this. Or should I say there is something absent about me
and, therefore, in my efforts to create a source of introspectiveness,
I have built this little shed of mine, which is a place of safety,
to address the elephants in the room.
Trust me, there are a lot of elephants to be addressed. There are a lot
of details which we hide from because noticing them would only mean
that now we have to deal with them. Otherwise, the problems have a way
of multiplying and dividing us from our best possible being.
I listened to an interviewer talk about mindfulness and mediation
which, at some point, I would have laughed about this because
the person I used to be was not someone who would have subscribed to these ideas.
However, now that I am not the person I used to be and now, at my age,
I am looking for a sense of rejuvenation; and more
I am looking to circle back and find myself, like a child again, and reconstruct
a sense of personal peace – I listen to these ideas a bit more closely.
At this point, the idea of struggling in unnecessary ways or living in
a constant state of unsureness or discomfort is not only unacceptable,
it is furthermore unwanted and, going forward, this should no longer
be tolerated.
In the interview, I heard a man say,
“Everyone should meditate for at least 15 minutes each day.
Unless, you’re extremally busy.
Then you should meditate for an hour.”
I understand this more now than ever before because as I evolve, I understand
the need to recognize the origin of my thoughts
and, better yet, I see the important value in the placement of my thinking.
Somewhere in there are the wires which make us tick.
Somewhere in there is the mapping and programming and
the origin of thoughts and ideas. In there is this diagram which, if we understood
or if we knew how to read this, perhaps maybe then we could understand
that not everything is so crucial.
Then again, if we knew how to understand and accurately interpret our thoughts,
would we listen to the truth of our thinking?
Would we heed our own advice? Would we listen to our own warnings?
I ask this because we’ve been warned before. We’ve seen red flags, flying high
which consecutively, we have ignored or denied for some reason
because in our mind, we have this idea.
We have our assumptions and we have this picture of what we want
and in the fear of loss or loneliness, or in the concern that for some reason,
we might never have the true picture we’ve always hoped to see –
we often compromise or improvise and sometimes, we might offer a negotiation
to offer a settlement; in which case, no one wins what they want –
at best, they can only come close and still
there is something missing.
This is what happens when we settle.
Inside of us are maps and details, memories, biases, training and standards
which are based on our experiences. We see things the way we see things.
We understand at our own pace and we interpret information
on a personal and unique basis.
I am simple. I have all of my body parts yet
I have never had the commercialized body of perfection. I have bouts with my reflection.
I have insecurities about my face and though I am a speaker, I am afraid of crowds
and struggle with social anxiety to the point, where sometimes, I vomit
before my presentations begin.
To the best of my knowledge and to the best of my understanding,
I have never been noted as exceptional looking or exceptionally beautiful.
I am not a commercial nor an ad in a magazine
And although I am beautiful the one I love, in fairness to self –
I need to love me more. In fact, we all do.
I have a voice, which is unique to me,
the same as my fingerprints are unique to me as well as the entire composition,
which makes up my personal chemistry and DNA –
this is all unique to me.
I am still a child in many ways yet I am more than fully grown.
However, we are always growing and continuously updating. But still,
there are times when old memories come alive to awaken old,
or otherwise dormant emotions. There are connections with instances
that are live and happening now that intersect with occasions
that took place years ago. Like I said before, this is all part of
my mapping. This is part of the diagram which makes up the wiring
of my assumptions and preconceived notions.
I heard the saying, “going clear” in a recent documentary
which I am not using in the same context – or, perhaps I am; however,
I am not plagiarizing or reusing anything that does not belong to me.
Still, I like the words. Going Clear.
I am not using the terms in the same association to a certain religion
or way of believing. However, I am thinking about the words “going clear,”
as in clearing away the cobwebs from the past; or, as in wiping the old hard-drive
and updating my programs to a new way of seeing, thinking, feeling and living.
I was taught in the simplest review that our mental health is, in fact, our status.
This is the way we live, love, laugh and learn. I was taught that anything
which affects this is something that can improve or essentially
alter our mental health.
I am a boy who was hurt and skinned my knee
and, yes, I am someone who understands the stinging sensation of the antiseptic
wipes that caused the scape to burn and hence, I know what it means
to flinch in the sight of a nurse’s office or carry with me
the horrifying memories of needles while I was a small boy, sick,
and on the chase by a doctor and a nurse because I knew once they caught me –
they were going to stick me.
I am a series of assumptions that are based on past experiences
yet, literally, none of those things can ever happen to me again.
So the question remains: then why am I still afraid?
Why do we live in favor of old records or in the regard of old
situations that are gone and no longer present?
If all the mind wants is peace and out of the five basic emotions
which I was taught are fear, loneliness, anger, pain and pleasure,
and if only one of these emotions are desirable, then it only serves to make sense
that the mind’s biggest worry is the absence of pleasure.
The mind’s biggest concern is the absence of reward and in an otherwise
“rewardless” thought, the mind understands that necessity is the mother of invention.
So, we look for quick fixes and short-term remedies to feel better,
at least for a little while.
Also, there is another worry that leads to what I call the five fingers
of reflective thinking which then leads us towards anticipation
that drives us towards the anxious mind which then spearheads
into depressive thinking.
We are not made to live in crisis mode, all the time, and yet –
we live here pretty often. We are not intended or built to be miserable yet
here comes the five fingers of rejective thinking
which are blame, shame, fault, guilt and regret.
Therefore, it is possible to think ourselves deeper into the holes
of our anticipation. It is sufficient to say that, in fact,
we can think ourselves into anxiety and thus, we can think ourselves into depression.
And yes, dare I use this word but, in fact, we can think ourselves crazy.
We can take on the energy of the mind; therefore, since the mind absorbs
our thoughts and since our thoughts have the ability to become real
or manifest in a way that our senses overreact as if our predictions were absolutely fact,
we can take on the chemistry of our thinking.
Therefore, it could be said that “think well be well.”
Or, think ill and live with the consequences . . .
The fact remains that if I think about this, I can trace my wires
back to moments and recollections of either an uncomfortable moment of exposure
or an outbreaking laughter at my expense which, in my case,
was an introduction to shame –
If we think about those five basic emotions and if we think about the worries
and the concerns that no matter how we try or how hard we work,
pleasure is only temporary at best and in our fears that pleasure is otherwise elusive –
we will take on the sins of our thinking as if they were law
and to be clear, no amount of negotiating will change these laws
because they have become hardwired into belief.
Hence, this is why I like the words “going clear” and again,
while I admit hearing these words before, I am in no way linking this to any churches
or to any other writers or individuals.
Yet, to go clear; to wipe the slate clean; to start over without looking back or
reconstructing the old clutter and to be free from the old self,
and to be free to create a new self is above all the most successful
any person can be.
Life is always going to happen. I know this and so do you.
We can assume, if we choose. We can make predictions based on old situations
and experiences, and we can form opinions or surmise what we believe is true.
We can think whatever we choose
Or we can choose to think in a forward manner
to leave the past behind.
Trust me, there’s only one truth.
Also, please note that we are always changing.
We have the right to improve. We have the right to adapt and to adjust ourselves
to accommodate our environment. But more, we have the right to earn our day,
to claim it, so that when sunset comes, we can look back without worry
because deep down we know there are no more threats.
At least not anymore – because now that we’re clear,
we can wipe the slate clean and never have to look back again –
or wonder “What if?”
The Written Addiction 