Just a Thought, Just Because – “To Self”


If we didn’t know or if we didn’t have the capacity to understand or the ability to see, deeply, or at least deeper than the surface levels, and if we were blind in the sense that we couldn’t see the world around us or know about the weight from the different calamities or chaos, or if we truly lacked the gene to know or feel then, at best, we would be unaware or unfeeling; and more, we would be unmoved by ourselves and unattached to our levels of self-importance.

If we were only simple or lacked the drive to have more or be more and if we lacked the sense of judgment that either left us wanting or satisfied, then we would never know what it means to have the drive to seek or to learn or achieve.
If we never dared or tried or if we never dared and lost or found ourselves in the dirt, either face down or on our knees and looking up, then we would never understand the benefits of getting back up to learn what went wrong.
It is not within our grasp to control the future yet everything we do towards building our future is within our power to either endure and continue – or to quit and fade from existence.
The choice is ours . . .


I have been building this trick, like a model, and working on this in my special, top-secret place. I do this a little bit each day. I have been coming back to this same project for years now.
Each day, I learn to perfect one piece at a time. I come back and check my work. I look to understand each movement and while I’ve changed my form and my rotation and altered my performance, I’ve also grown into a pattern which allows me to improve my skills. 

I have been working in this specialized workshop that was built for me, so that I can find a place which is safe from the outside eyes and the outside opinions and each day, I perform a little bit. Each day, I prepare a little bit more and as the days add, I ready myself for the moment when, at last, I can say that my trick is ready and it’s time to put on a show.


I am a model, much like the models of cars that somewhere, somehow, a father and son, or maybe someone alone is sitting in their little hobby shed with parts all over. They spread out the details and the instructions and slowly construct this masterpiece of a model – step by step, article by article, and one piece at a time, this thing is an ongoing process of something coming together.
At the beginning, however, I am a puzzle – I am scattered into thousands of parts and pieces – of course, each piece has an integral role and each part is essential to the completion of the model.
I am this.
I am not all-put-together; as of yet. I am not completed.
I am far from done; however, I am no longer scattered in a thousand pieces of integral and essential parts.
No, I am coming together the same as the rest of us are.

I am a series of intricate details that deserve the proper care and attention while being assembled.
Nothing should be crooked or tilted or out of sync.
This is a process and sometimes the glue is still drying. Sometimes, there are parts of my perfection which have been cemented into place – but like any puzzle, there are parts and shapes which appear to fit but in all reality, pieces that fit should jive together and mate accordingly –
The way I see it, people in this world rule by their assumptions and fears and, in hindsight, we look back at the places where we adjusted our life and placed ourselves, just to fit and with hopes that maybe somehow, we would (or could) eventually fit properly, we realize that the fit was never seamless.
In retrospect, we recognize that in our haste to belong or fit somewhere, we realize that for years or even decades, we spent much of our time trying to pretend that we fit in places where, otherwise, we knew that we wanted something better. 


Regardless of how I see myself or in whichever way I choose to identify myself, I cannot consider the outside world as a trusted source of support. I cannot invest myself in outside sources without investing in myself first.
I can’t expect anyone to live my life for me or if the life is hard or too difficult at times, regardless to the help that comes my way; whether the help is simple or genius, in all fairness to “self” and the “soul” I have to understand that no realization is valuable unless I come to the realization and understand this myself. 

For example, I will never learn how to add or subtract if someone else does my homework. I’ll never understand word problems if I don’t understand the basics and know what to look for or, if I don’t understand the language, I’ll never understand how to find solutions for my future. 

There is no quick learning. There is only ongoing studies to find a better understanding which calls for us to update our thinking and teaches us that time and life is always changing.
Everything changes and updates; in which case, our basic skills are basic at our core but to improve, we have to understand ourselves from a basic perspective. We have to understand how we work because, yes, life comes with a series of complicated math.
Sometimes, we are unsure how to add things up. And sometimes, we add or miscalculate items which we either see as unimportant or we place too much importance on items that are not really pertinent to our lives – we just think they are and therefore, we invest emotionally and thus we double up and invest even more because we come into the contest of win or lose when, sometimes, the best winning move is to simply walk away.


It’s okay to learn where things fell apart.
Don’t be afraid of this,
There was a corner, not far from my usual romps in Midtown, yet this is less of the commercial side and more of a residential area. High-priced, of course, and there was a glimmer of hope and budding idea that perhaps I can take the reins on a new project.

There were aspects of financial gains that seemed “too good to be true” and there were promises made which again, these were also too good to be true and they were – too good to be true.
However, there was something here. There was a spark. There was an idea. There was a configuration that I couldn’t quite understand and like a lock with a series of different combinations, in order for me to unlock this idea, I would have to roll the numbers around the tumbler until I found the right combination.

It’s frustrating though. I admit this. It’s frustrating to be the scientist in a workshop and have a moment when you understand the direction you chose was either faulty or not accurate. While you trash the research, you rewind a little and then you realize that this is only a setback.

Maybe we’re not curing cancer here. Maybe we’re not figuring a way to solve the deficit or create world peace. But here in this special workshop, this is where genius is made.
This is where our creations come from – and by the way, don’t worry about the internal meter or the judgmental narrative. This only means you’re judging yourself.
This only means that in your personal scrutiny, you want to perform better. This means that like me, you’re just trying to find a way to pull off your trick. This way, when you reach the grand finale, you can say “Ta-Da!” and bring a smile to the crowd around you. 


Today, in my moment of awareness, I am rethinking a text which took place between myself and a young woman. Her response to a message I sent was simple.
How did you know my Father?
I told her, he was my friend.

The message I sent was intended to be sent into the atmosphere by way of simple technology. I sent the words via text message.
“I am going to miss you, my friend.
Remember me when you cross over. I can always use an angel on my side.”

I sent this after learning about my friend’s passing. Also, I sent this without the intention of getting a response; however, when I received the response, “How did you know my Father?” from his daughter, I saw this as my friend answering me.
I saw this as a deal and a chance for me to tell his daughter what a good friend he was to me.
He was a good man.
But more, he was my friend.

I don’t know if he was able to pull off his trick or if at his grand finale, if my friend took a bow and gracefully crossed the stage – but I do know that this friend of mine was an integral piece of my trick and an essential part of my plan to learn how to live as well as understand how to perform. 

(Sleep well, Papo)


If I did not have the capacity to understand or the ability “to know” or if I lacked the ability to grow or nurture my abilities to improve; then I might not understand what pain is or its purpose.
If I did not have the ability to decipher between heaven and hell, then I might not know or care why, who, or how I end up in this world.
The fact that I know that I am capable is the reason why I judge myself – the fact that I might often judge myself too harshly is not particularly helpful; however, this does make one thing both romantically and perfectly clear.
The day that I find my success and the day that I put all of my pieces together and go out to test this model for its first run, I will know why and where I put my blood and sweat. Thus, I will understand the value of my truest investment because above all, no matter how many times I assembled or disassembled to reassemble pieces to this puzzle, everything I did was to lead me up to my moment of fruition. 

If I didn’t know better then I wouldn’t care about subpar treatment or substandard living. The challenge that we find is not bad at all. This only means we know that we are capable of doing or being better.
The question becomes this: What has to happen to get what we want? Thus, once we ask this question, we have to recognize what stands in our way and finally, we have to ask ourselves when are we going to give ourselves the permission to do what it takes to have the life we want to live.

Nothing comes without training or effort.
Nothing at all so, just know that you’re internal judgments are the voice of your spirit, shouting out, and pushing you to pull the trigger –
So you can do better.

Good morning, Mr. Mirror.
I think I see what you’re trying to say here.

“Do you?”
“Good! Then get out of your own way and go be the person you’re supposed to be.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.