So, I hear you want to be happy, is that right?
Well, then let’s see what has to happen.
There has to come a time when something wakes us up. Maybe this can come from something we’ve seen or known about for a long time and then almost out of nowhere, we shake our heads as if to say, “Wait, what??”
Something comes along and brings us to a new understanding. Or, the lights come on and we’re not in the dark anymore.
Or maybe we’ve come to a new level of awareness. Or either we’re tired of what we see or what we have and, to put this plainly, maybe we just want more. Is that so bad?
In short, the answer is no!
Or maybe when the lights came on, we found ourselves looking from a more introspective lens and, as a result, we realized there are time-consuming aspects in our life that are neither rewarding nor fulfilling.
But either way, something happens. The light is on and regardless of how denial can blind the eyes, a catalyst of change comes along. Maybe this is a simple thing.
Maybe this is only a thought that occurs and, suddenly, our mind connects to moments where we thought, “hey, that’s a warning sign over there.” Yet, we ignored this with hopes that everything would work out in the end. Next, we see things that we might have missed during the opening ceremonies of what we call our daily life. We start to recognize all the times we turned a blind eye because we hoped for the best, even if the best was a long shot.
We recognize exactly where it was that we took the bait and, just like that, we were hooked into a settlement that did not pay us our worth.
By now, I am sure that we have all seen both sides of sanity.
We’ve seen ourselves through troubled times. And by now, I’m sure we’ve all had times that we’ve wished we could forget.
Though we’ve managed to get through them or whether we’re still going through them now, or even if we’ve buried these matters deep in our past and we deny them the right to access or to resurface again, our minds are always working and our subconscious depth is always paying attention.
Believe me on this one.
So –
Please be advised that I am not writing this to you as a professional nor am I writing this to you as a hopeful author; but more, I am offering this to you as a traveler and a humble narrator. I am not expressing this as a healthcare worker, which I am. I’m not putting this out into the universe as a union worker, which I am as well.
I am not expressing this as a man, a father, a loved one or friend. Instead, I am simply transferring my research and findings as a person who cares and nothing else.
However, there comes a time when life wakes us up. This is when our will and our intent outgrow our surroundings and as we look around, we realize where we’ve placed ourselves.
We know that we wanted better but we never dared to prioritize this.
So –
As we look around and see ourselves in a “sort-of” mental reflection, we come to an understanding of how and where we’ve prioritized ourselves – or if we haven’t prioritized ourselves, we wake up one day and realize that where we are is not where we want to be.
By the way, this could be with anything.
This could be with work. This could be with our relationships and our friendships. This can be a matter of never putting our needs in perspective and allowing ourselves to be placed as a lower priority.
This could be something as simple as always wanting to take an art class or learn how to dance or swim. But . . .
There comes a time when we outgrow ourselves. We outgrow our space. We outgrow our positions and in whichever form this may come, we find ourselves at a moment of realization which comes down to this one valuable thing: We want more!
We wake up or something occurs and either the motions we’ve gone through are simply not enough to reward us, or we realize our patterns of living have failed to bring us the taste of satisfaction.
Hopefully, upon having this realization, the insurmountable need to “get away” or to “get out” builds up to a point where finally, we understand that action is the only answer to this equation.
Beyond the sunk-cost fallacies of our personal and emotional investments, which are countless, and beyond the hopes that perhaps if we “hold-on” or “settle,” just for now, or just for a little while longer, or if we wait just a few more days, or until one day, our real life can begin, there comes a time when either we submit to the sameness of our past choices or we can make a new choice and create a better life.
Right here and right now.
In the previous journal, I mentioned an old friend of mine who sat in a holding pattern throughout his entire career. He did this because his temporary life became his permanent situation.
Openly, he confessed that he wished that he had done more. He openly discussed the options he decided to walk away from and talked about the different career paths he could have taken. But no. He took a quick turn. He made a fast choice, which was not shameful by any means; it was just easier and quicker. However, there was nothing rewarding. There were no huge advantages that went beyond his pay scale and his benefits, such as dental, medial, a pension and a good annuity.
He wanted more yet he stayed in the sameness of where he was because, after a while, he accepted the fact that he made a trade and to him it was too late to consider anything else.
After a while, he was too deep down the rabbit hole to consider his previous dreams of doing something different.
“But hey,” he told me, “At least my kids went to college.”
“At least they had healthcare when they needed it.”
“At least I was never out of work.”
But were you happy?
“Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no.”
I suppose this was the most honest expression from a man, father, friend and coworker.
But to me, I saw this as a wake-up call.
I saw this as a light which turned on and while I am fortunate in many regards and blessed in countless ways and, yes, I have a job for life and yes, I am good at what I do and yes, I have reached a decent level in my career where I am respected and I am appreciated; upon this moment of awareness, I looked around and saw myself in my mental reflection.
I recognized where I wanted my changes to begin. I saw where my hopes and my aspirations were starving for attention. So, in my quest to create “more” and in my desire to want “more” and not just to earn “more,” I came to a crossroads.
I came to a place where I realized that anyone can be caught in the sameness of life.
Anyone could find themselves caught in the tangled knots of a temporary fix which ultimately becomes permanent. In light of this realization, I recognized where I placed myself in the priorities of my past.
I saw what happened to my dreams that went deferred. I saw where I allowed myself to walk the line and become personally lazy. Lazy. Yes, me.
I wake up early every day. I work long hours. I work more than one job. Yet, I call myself out as lazy because I was both educationally and professionally lazy.
I say this because I knew I wanted more. I knew I wanted something else.
But I never dug down deep and did what it took to get what I wanted.
I forgot what it meant to be carnivorous and hungry.
There comes a time when our wants and needs can no longer be caged. There comes a time where we can no longer hide our contempt for the times when we settled for a lesser value. We cheated ourselves with hopes that maybe someday, eventually, we can be the priority and then essentially, we can get what we really wanted and make our dreams come true.
I go back to a lesson I was taught about a tree –
The most important part of the tree, which needs to be the strongest, are the roots. The roots need to have a hold. They need to be strong otherwise the tree topples and everything that depends on this tree including the leaves, the branches that stretch out perfectly and the nests which allow the birds a place to stay will all topple and fall as well if the roots are not properly cared for.
This is when I came to the understanding that, in fact, I am always the square root to my own equation. This means my roots need to be cared for. This means my strength must come from within because otherwise, if I do not care for this; or, if I do not care for my needs and place myself as a priority, then I too will topple and fall and all that I love, care about, or look to hold and support will tumble and fall as well.
Here in the rebirth of sanity, we come to the idea that it is crazy to put ourselves last.
Our levels of priority are sometimes unorganized and sometimes, we hold on to our emotional investments longer than we should have.
Sometimes, we hold on to our poor investments and we invest more under the fallacy that perhaps if we give more or if we wait a little longer, maybe we can finally get some kind of return. Hence, the sunken cost is never retrieved. And so, we find ourselves in emotional bankruptcy.
And that sucks!
It’s okay to be crazy sometimes. In fact, on occasion, going crazy ranks high on my priority list. Yes, sometimes, I like to listen to loud music and get in my car and drive a bit quicker than the speed limit allows . . .
And yes, sometimes I want to dance. I want to run. I want to play. I want to scream and jump and carry on like we did when we were young.
I say this now because I know what the absence of youth feels like so, therefore, I want to bring back my best versions of youth by allowing myself to relive them again. I want to do this to permit missed opportunities to go rewarded by never missing out on them again.
Also, I want to live.
I want to do more than just exist. Should this mean that I need to make a change in my career, even in my 50’s, or should this mean that I need to change the way I dress or should this mean that I need to change my appearance or change my friendships and improve my relationships; then, so be it!
The truest loss of life is when life is not lived; and more, the biggest loss of life is when we trade ourselves away or settle for a lower value.
I have been told the basic definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results.
Well, maybe this might be true.
However, my definition of insanity is trading your life away because you never learned that you’re worth so much more.
My definition of insanity is the imperfections you see in your mental mirrors which are both untrue and misleading.
I say that insanity comes when you don’t know who you are or what you’re worth.
That’s why I don’t mind being crazy.
I just don’t want to be insane anymore
or ever again. . .
The Written Addiction 