Notes from the Neighborhood – Saturday Morning

The day is Saturday –
I started early. Then again, when don’t I start early?
But that’s neither here nor there.

And just so you know . . .
You can’t stop. Not now. Not after all we’ve seen and all we’ve been through.
Also, just so you know, there’s love out there for us.
I know there is.

We can’t stop or quit or lose hope because otherwise, what else is there?
What else can we do but get up and get through another day?
Am I right?

There is no reverse in life – at least not really. The only reverse are the rewinding ideas that scroll back in our head. These are the thoughts and instances that we replay on a continuous basis, which is not the greatest idea. If we are to go forward, then how the hell can we get away from our past if we keep reliving this in our head?

I swear, this is the greatest question of all –

I have not been myself lately.
I admit that.
My head is all over the place and the contemplation of the “ifs” and the “what ifs” have been distracting to me.
I am, however, working on moving past this. 

Like I said –
I started my morning early, as usual.
I wanted to give myself a “do-over” from last weekend, so-to-speak, which is why I made sure that I had all the necessary ingredients ready. And I did and have already prepared for a long, slow cook.
Come to think of it:
I might use this idea and make this a weekly occasion to create a good meal, by hand, and by me, because as I have said to you before, I will say it again and again.
Food is love. So, let us love ourselves the right way.

I have some chores to do today. But rather than get through anything regretfully, I wanted to create a stage of appreciation. I wanted to set the stage with gratitude instead of regret.
I have some things to go through, which I’ll do and I’ll do this at my best level.
I have some strings that ripped from my heart, which I will tie up today and suture them so my healing can begin.
At the same time, like I said -I have decided to set the stage.
I have decided that here and now; I reject any ideas of being a victim or volunteer and therefore, I began my morning with this –

 A new concoction
I took some beef stew . . .

I started with some oil in a pan. I tossed in some diced onions and some garlic and some butter.
But wait – no. There’s so much more.
I washed my mushrooms. I washed my baby carrots. I found the smallest potatoes in the store, which I saw in the supermarket and thought to myself – yep, they’re going in there too. 

I had some vine-ripened tomatoes and I sliced them up, dashed a little bit of red wine in the pan and then I let the onions cook with the tomatoes and some fresh garlic until the onions were clear or translucent. I browned the meat and tossed this in the pan with the bits of cooked-goodness that was scraped from the pan. I added some broth to the crock pot which, by the way, is set to cook until at least 2:30 this afternoon.

Of course, I put some spices in the mix. I added a little bit of cinnamon. I added some salt and pepper. I have some cloves of garlic in there too, which is love in the best way possible (I think).
I offered a little smoked paprika. and some chili powder.

So, with the little potatoes, the sliced mushrooms, the baby carrots, some red wine and the browned meat with onions and sliced tomatoes, and with a little heat added by placing in a Habanero pepper to give it a little extra kick, I made my concoction and then I cleaned up my mess.
I mopped the kitchen floor. I lit some candles. I prepared myself a good cup of coffee and then . . . I sat down here to come and speak with you.

I can’t quit.
You do understand this, right?

I have my heart to offer and my love, which you hold in your hand. In all honesty, I’m fine with this. I’m fine to submit or bow or to allow myself the humble nature and the honest truth which is that yes, I am here at the doorway to the universe asking you to be with me from now until eternity says it’s time to shut the lights.

Although grown, I have a childlike nature about me. I have needs. I have wants. I have dreams. I have desires and fantasies.
I have things I need to work through and projects I need to complete today.
But that’s okay.
I have some old memories to close out and some things to clean from my closet.
I got rid of a lot of clothes.
I have the fireplace crackling in the background, which is funny to explain because this is not to say that I have a fireplace at all – I don’t.
But, I do have a big, flat-screen television with HD – hence, since the fireplace is crackling on the television and there’s music playing quietly in the background, I have no problem explaining that I am here to ask for mercy. I am here to seek clemency.
I am here for my redemption and as for the universe, I am here to say that dammit all – I won’t quit and I won’t stop and if I fall again, then fine – But I know the truth. I know there’s love in store for me.

I know that my life is in need of correction. I also know that my corrections are up to me which, in fact, I have to start this here and now. This is why I chose to set the day right and by giving myself this chance, I’m hoping that perhaps, if you’re not too busy, maybe you can allow me a chance as well.

I don’t mind being a hopeless romantic.
I don’t mind letting go of the bullshit that ties me to my ego or the male bravado which is also bullshit too. I don’t mind showing the vulnerable side of my face.
Fine. Let it be this way; and if I’m weak, then let me be weak for you
I’d prefer it this way.

Ego and pride and the bullshit that comes with it has done nothing else but mislead me.
(Or make me miserable)

Do you want to know the truth – sure, I can be strong.
I can endure. I can fall on my face and get back up.
Yes, I can do this.
I’ve done this for as long as I’ve been alive.
I can recover. I can do this. I can get back up. I can endure a holding cell or the cuffs on my wrists and, if I had to, I could walk the corridors of a hospital and withstand the deaths around me –

I’ve been through that too
But . . .
I want more –

I want to learn more. I want to be more.
But more than this. I want to love and be loved more, which means that I have some work to do.
That’s what today is for. Or, and hopefully, today can set the stage for tomorrow.

I have my stew cooking in the background. I have a playlist in mind.
I have some chores to take care of – but more than anything else, I have my heart to repair.
I have nothing more than my heart and my truths and with all of my heart, I have the only offering of this – me, myself and I.
And, it’s all yours
(If you want it)
I need to do this so that when the time strikes or whenever you choose – I can throw all of my old concerns out of the window with complete and total abandon because I don’t care about my yesterdays anymore. I don’t care about the regrettable aspects of what took place. I only know that life is too damned precious. Time moves to fucking quickly.
And I’m sorry for the profanity but in this case – the curse words fit.

I know that I am alone right now, wondering and considering what you might be doing or thinking; or, if you are still in bed, what position are you in?
Are you clinging to a pillow, holding it as if to dream of me?
Are you holding on, as if you were holding me tightly, or close?
Or are you hugging your pillow, wishing it was me who was holding you back, snuggling your face into my body to smell the essence of my skin and feel my love, which by now you understand – obviously, this is all for you. Ah, and morning sex too.
That’s never a bad thing either.

Believe me, this would be more than incredible
– it would be so heroic that even cupid himself would say, “Damn, son! Where’d you get that energy from?”

I’d say . . . look at me
Now, go mind your business over there, Cupid.
I’m in love.
And you had nothing to do with it
It was just in the stars . . .

Understand?