What if there is no if . . .
what if this is the way it is
and what if the wind never comes back
or blows like it used to?
What happens when we fail to turn the page
and let the next chapter
become what it is
and of course
then what becomes of us
becoming who we are
as opposed
who are supposed to be?
Or better yet,
I ask
are these things even possible?
Or are these things nothing more
than quandaries of the mind?
I am me
you are you
the world is the world.
Hot is hot
cold is cold
These things are true.
The tides come in and out,
the sun comes up
and the sun goes down
and these things —
these things are constant.
The sun and the moon have been around
like the yin and yang of our existence
and both the sun and the moon
have been around for a very long time
We are so small in comparison.
We are smaller in size
and as far as time goes . . .
well?
We are far smaller than a millisecond
and to us,
a second of time
can mean everything
especially when goodbye
is goodbye.
I agree when people say
pain can make a second
seem like an eternity.
But a second is only a second
and a minute is just another minute
See?
Time and space are unemotional.
Time and space have no opinion
about these things.
Emotion is for the flesh and like The Good Book says,
that which is of flesh
is of flesh
and that which is of spirit
is of spirit.
The rivers and the seas have changed
and so have the landscapes
but still
the constant is the constant
and as for all else?
All else
is all else
and whether we turn the page
or fight the tides
to try and keep the story alive;
the world will still turn.
Time and space
will still be unemotional
and as for us . . .
. . . I will always be me
you will always be you . . .
. . . and no amount of denial
or pretending
will change what we are
what we were
and so, all that remains
is the question
who will we be now?
What if there is no if?
What if this is nothing more
than a moment
or a mark on a page
or what if the pains
or the wars we fought
and what if all of this
is just another silly thing
that takes place in our heads?
Therefore,
I just assume
that all of this
is nothing more
than something in my head.
I was told
man is who he thinketh . . .
. . . and so
perhaps the best pass
is to change my thinking
and untie myself
so I can set myself free.
Maybe the best thing
is to turn the page
and let today be
“sufficient for itself.”
and then, maybe
fuck it
Everything else
can work itselfout.
Yesterday will always be behind me
and tomorrow is always ahead
therefore,
all I have is now.
Now . . .
. . . do you understand?
What are we going to do with now?
I know
and I get it. And I can tell
that yes,
I’ve been waiting for my time
and I’ve been looking at the weather
and watching the trees to see when
the wind will pick up.
I cannot wait for the narrative
of “When”
I cannot depend on happenstance
or hope for a better port in the storm.
I cannot wait or be dependent on a calander
called “When”
When will I make it?
When will I find my way?
When will I have the life I choose
instead of the life I have.
When will I take a chance
and brave the unknown
and make a difference?
I don’t know.
I know that “When”
might never come
but the sun and the moon
the tides
the rain
winter, spring, summer, fall
and all the other constant features
of the world
will always be here.
That which is of flesh
is of flesh
and that which is of spirit
is of spirit.
Yesterday is gone
and regardless of what I lost
or missed
today is the only thing that is here
and now
I don’t know what the wind will do this afternoon
and nor can I tell if my sail will be full
and nor can I say if my ship will take me to a sea
that flows like none other
All I can say
is I am here
now . . .
. . . and nothing else is real
No one else can change this
and even if
“God could and would
if he were sought,”
my heart knows that what it said in the Book of James
is right
“Faith without works is dead”
and whatever is dead
is dead . . .
and I?
I am not dead
I am only changing
waiting too often
and fearfully taking my next step
because to hell with it;
all else is out of my control
and so
waiting for my turn
or waiting for the next best thing
leaves me open to a calendar
that may never come..
I have prayed
nine hundred
and nine
thousand times
and I could pray the same amount
over and over again
and more
I could wish
and I could hope
but lies are lies
life is life
time is time
and space is space
and so
neither of these things
are emotional about this
Just me.
I used to ask
“Why me?”
But asking
does not always lead to answers
and if actions
change emotions
then let me act now
or forever hold
my peace ~
The Written Addiction 