I am north from where I would rather be and south of the sun, south of the clouds, and I am south of the moon, which was hidden last night, due to the clouds.
Something is coming my way.
I don’t know what this means or what it is, but I can feel this in my bones and down to my care.
Something is coming and so, I have to prepare myself.
Prepare.
Yes, prepare.
And when I say prepare, I do not mean this as if some kind of impending doom is on the way and nor do I say this in the fits of some kind of paranoid fear.
No.
Maybe this is something because of the change on the weather.
Maybe the cloud formations are teaching me to pay attention to the weather and hence, I need to learn how to enjoy the moments in the sunlight and prepare to savor them for when the storms come my way
Nothing has the right to stop me or deter me from moving forward or getting ahead.
And this is a personal right, by the way.
Everyone has the right to defend themselves.
Everyone has the right to say yes or no.
Everyone has the right to accept or refuse the life they see or the task at hands. And yes, for every action there is an equal or adverse reaction. I get this.
I understand this.
And although we have the right to improve or defend ourselves or move on, turn back, or change our mind; this does not mean other people will support this right.
This does not mean other people will agree with our efforts or help and in some cases, you might find that some people will challenge you, just to keep you from moving ahead.
At the same time, we can lose our money and our time and we can even lose our freedom. We can lose our homes. We can lose our cars and our jobs and we can lose people, places, and things. But no one has the right to take away our mind and no one has the right to take away our freedom to improve.
Therefore, this is what I am here to do.
Improve.
I knew a man who was a yoga instructor.
He was soft spoken and kind. He was caring and although this man made a pact with himself to spread what he learned and help people find the best versions of themselves, his worst version never left him alone.
He was abused as a child. And when I say abused, this man was abused and tormented in the worst way possible.
He fled his homeland to escape a toxic life. He made his travels and found himself clear and across the world. He literally made it to the other side of the planet.
However, he was contacted during an afternoon when his workplace was about to change and his financial future was uncertain and unsure.
They found him.
They threatened him for speaking out about his ‘family secrets,” and although he understood that the other side of the world made him far beyond their reach, an afternoon of too much thinking made him choose to sacrifice himself to forever end a temporary problem.
I was thinking about this man last night.
I was thinking about our first meeting and how this man was beaming and bright and beautiful and so caring.
I was thinking about the instant transformation that came over him when the contact was made
I could see the fear
I could hear the panic in his voice.
I could understand why he was afraid.
I can understand why he was set and ready to run again.
And with an honest and open mind, it would only be true to say that I understand the contemplation of the end, which was not just the end to his life.
no . . .
But more so, this would finally end the chapter of abuse that searched for him and looked for him around the world, and so rather than let himself be found, he made himself permanently unreachable
And by the way, my man . . .
If you can hear me, I’d like you to know that I’d have fought back with you and stood beside you, down to the last kick, or punch, blade, or bullet.
I understand the fears from my past and I understand the wreckage of my past choices and decisions.
I also understand that while I might have enemies and I might be alone, no one can stop me from changing my course and searching to find a new meaning
And this is what I am here to do
I want to find my new future that surpasses my old ending and supports me with a new beginning.
However –
If I am to do this, then I have to do this now and thus, this means I have to start here, as in right now.
The morning came too early today, which is usual for me because sleep and I have never had the best relationship. And yet, like all bad relationships; I adore her and love her so.
Sleep, I mean.
If I am to go, then waiting or procrastinating will only delay and prolong my fears of an assumed result and an inevitable pain that waits for me.
I am sorry for my past and rest assured, I understand that to be forgiven for my sins; one would need to have true sorrow for their sins for them to be absolved.
I have true sorry.
I have sadness.
I have regrets.
I have worries and fears.
I have ghost pains which sneak in and cause me to assume the hurt is about to return.
I have doubts
I have concerns.
I have fears that are afraid and anticipate the worst is always around the corner.
My fear is that I will never be where I want to be and that I might get close, but in the end, I will always be too far from my real home.
If I am to go and if I am to start, then now is the time because now is here and now is the time to choose my window of opportunity.
Now is the time to take my shot and make my way without looking back.
No one can stop me from wanting a better life
No one can stop me from looking back and missing people, places and things.
No one can stop me from doing the right or the wrong things – except for me.
This is why I love to say, if it is up to me then it is up to me
Because in the end, all else is out of my control
Except for me –
The Written Addiction 