And you go and you try and you fight and you grind.
And you wake up. You eat. You work and you come home.
And we hope and we wish and we dream and we pray.
This is life.
God, grant me the serenity . . .
This is the life for all of us and yes, I agree that we are all growing and moving in different directions. We all have different backgrounds and histories and cultures that make us unlike anyone else.
We are all perfetly unique, which us a great thing to be.
But in the case of life; everyone has a path and a plan and a light and a way.
Everyone will experience heartaches and heartbreaks and death too.
Yes, because death is part of life.
We all have to work. Even the so-called lucky ones because even laziness takes effort.
Believe me.
We all have to eat and drink and and bathe and brush our teeth.
We have to learn to live and we have to learn to go along to get along.
And still, I defy and I reject the typical mottoes and the commonplace ideas because above all; I want to be more than typical and commonplace.
I do not want to be this interchangeable thing or some cookie-cutter option that fits in the most unnoticeable way.
I want to stand out too.
And this is not my ego or the so-called “great I am.”
No
I want to be me.
I want to be me without apology.
I want to feel this in my heart.
I want to feel as if I have done something.
I want to accomplish.
I want to achieve and I want to succeed
I don’t mind failing.
I don’t mind falling down.
I don’t mind the blood and guts that come with the hunt for life.
No, I think this is all part of the process.
I think falling down lends a lot to the lesson of what it means to stand and find balance.
I don’t mind the laughter from the crowds or the votes against me and most days, I almost don’t mind the insults either.
Enemies shoot to kill and their character assassinations are expected. In fact, I never get mad when my enemies growl at me.
This is what they are supposed to do.
I will admit that I am curious when an enemy smiles because then I know that something is on the way . . .
I don’t mind these things as much anymore.
I do not mind them as much as I mind the fears and the insecure beliefs that I am otherwise incapable. I mind the feelings of being useless or worthless.
I mind the feelings and the predictions that say at best, I could only be chosen as one who is most likely to achieve mediocrity.
Success is not always a kind thing.
Then again, success and the feelings of success are often temporary and the threat of loss is bigger than the checks that come when a publisher sends you your royalties.
Worse is when the checks stop coming and the texts stop, the attention goes away and the love you thought was real was only fit to hold a standard of something fake or parttime and conditional.
No one sees the sleepless nights or understands the aches and pains or the hard times or the times when your chest is sunk and as hard as you tried, you gave your heart but the results fell short and hence, so has your dream.
Ever see a dream come true than watch it vanish?
I have.
It’s worse than anything.
No one sees or feels the ups and down and in all fairness, pains like this are meant to do one of two things.
Aches and pains like this are either inspiration to get up and go forward.
Or, aches and pains like this are enough to cause the constant fear, which causes you to quit and give in. And then you quit before you even try, and that my friend . . .
is criminal.
Either way, pain and fear and all the hardships we face are all excellent motivators.
I have heroes and yet, they are not flashy or so big and strong or even wealthy beyond compare.
They are mostly unsaid and mainly quiet and stoic.
I admire them.
I admire the ones who never complain or explain.
No. They only endure.
They do not wince or scream or cry and even when they do, they endure and they take it and they do not stop.
Ever . . .
They take the pain in a way that seems to deny its existence
They never quit.
They never stop.
They do not hinge themselves upon victory or defeat.
No. They only move.
Theft never fall for the tricks or give in to distractions.
I was a kid in school when a teacher told me, “keep your eyes on your own paper!”
Maybe this meant more than not cheating or taking a test.
Do not worry about the person next to you.
Do not worry about their pace or the luck they have.
Stop looking to see who has it easier or how the seas parted for them and collapsed on you.
Keep the focus on yourself.
As for keeping my eyes on my own paper.
I copied the answers from a kid sitting next to me
And that was fine too.
Except, almost all of his answers were wrong . . .
My assumption that he knew or was smarter or better was wrong too.
And you wake up and you wash your body.
You cleanse with soap and then you rinse off and repeat the process.
Why live if you know you are going to die?
Why try for something beyond your reach?
Why love someone if they will never love you back?
Why do anything if there is always an adverse analogy that hurts or breaks your heart and ruins your soul?
I don’t know why I keep going.
Maybe because I agree with the saying, “trying is dying,” so don’t try.
Do!
I have been told that I could reach for the sky and at best, I would only reach the level of the most common failure.
I have been called worse too
I have been called stupid
I have been called a loser
And I have been called this by the only person I dared to care about
And I go and I try and I fight and I grind.
I wake up.
I fall down.
I slip and I trip and I miss myself at the doorway of opportunity.
I sabotage and I collapse and I struggle.
I curse and I spit
And with all of this being said –
I have not quit.
Almost
But I never did.
I never went back to the drink or the drugs, which is not to say that I am a boyscout by any means.
No. That’s not me.
I have crashed and burned more than anyone else I know.
But I am here
Still
I have not run away from you because same as pain and fear are excellent motivators; so is love.
And no matter what happens in this life or the next.
I love you
with all of my heart
Always
I know my body is sore.
I know my past is shaky and the darkness can often haunt me.
I know that two parts are not identical or the same
But I am here.
So, here I go.
Today . . .
It is time to make a difference.
or die trying
The Written Addiction 