I see no reason not to lie.
So, let’s be honest. I see no reason why anyone should deny their thoughts or their feelings.
Sometimes, you need to scream.
I see no reason why we don’t do this.
We should be able to scream if we need to scream.
We can shout when we need to shout.
And yes, I know.
I get it. I do
I understand this might not be a good look, so-to-speak.
I understand that there is no room for emotional thinking in a strategic workplace and I get it. . .
I really do.
We have to keep our head. We have to keep our composure.
Of course, we do.
But sometimes, the truth is we already lost our mind and as it seems, there are times when all you want to do is clench your fists and scream at the top of your lungs.
I am here all too often.
I am sitting now, and I am working in a place and living in a way that does not fit my bigger or greater picture.
Then again, “the only way to it is through it!”
And what does that mean?
This means you cannot quit.
No matter what.
I go back to the exercise motto, “No pain, no gain.”
I go back to the basic fact that no, life is not going to be easy and yes, life will hurt, life will seem unfair, and there are going to be days when nothing works out.
This is true.
No one cares. No one helps.
There will be days when loneliness can weigh heavy and become unthinkable.
Or maybe this is only true to me.
Maybe this is subjective.
Maybe . . .
Success is not always a comforting thing. Therefore, no one sees the hours of training. No one sees the nights when you are awake and sweating through some kind of discomfort or personal sickness.
No one sees the hours or the days or the weeks and months when you are running as hard as you can. And you go and you struggle and you kick and you fight.
You do what you can just to keep the game going, and whether you score or pass or fail; no one sees behind the scenes. No on knows about the hours it takes to train yourself and no one sees the work you put in to perfect your craft and better your life
I am grateful and thankful for Malcom Gladwell’s approach with his theory that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to perfect one’s craft.
10,000 hours to master your skills.
I appreciate this idea.
I do not know if this is true or not.
Maybe it is . . .
However, there are arguments that sway on either side. Some say yes. Some say no.
However, I do agree that it takes time and effort and practice and moments of hardship, bouts of faith, challenges with belief and adversity . . . yes, adversity; I think life and our craft take all of these things because everything in life is an opportunity to learn, improve, and to go, be, and do.
At the same time, I agree with another motto.
It’s okay not to be okay.
And it’s okay to hurt and to want to scream.
It’s okay . . .
This is not just okay . . .
This is normal to question everyone and everything.
It is common to wonder about your worth and your talent and it is more than common to wonder or worry if someone else is going to come along and win your prize or take it from you.
The fear of loss might be up there or worse than the fear of never having anything.
But this is a debate for a different time.
There are days when I do not want to “show up.”
But I do.
There are afternoons when I don’t have it in me to go to the gym and train.
There are times when I hardly want to get out of bed.
The world is too intense.
The list of things that need my attention are mounting and piling high.
These things are tiresome and troublesome and the dramatic little bouts between myself and the common people in my life can be a too much.
Here are some facts –
I live with heartache.
I do.
I live with a broken heart.
I really do.
I live with challenges.
I live in the same world, no differently than most people who live here on Project Earth.
I have faults and flaws and I have weaknesses.
I have debts.
I have unresolved issues, fights, wars, and I have ongoing battles and I have bouts with my past and myself.
I have scars that are both visible and undetectable and sometimes, there are old pains and ghosts from my previous life that haunt me and refuse to let me go.
There are times, like this morning.
I had thoughts that hurt me
I thought about my life.
I thought about my losses.
I thought about the lonely stirs at night and the times when I talk to myself because there’s no one else to talk to.
I thought about the love I had and the love I lost.
I thought about my doubts and fears and my worries and concerns that even if I were to hit the bigtime and even if I were to strike it rich tomorrow, I would still be alone, because money does not bury or hide truth.
I am alone.
And still, I am here
I woke up this morning.
I did not want to do this
But I did.
I do not want to attack the list of chores ahead of me.
But I am.
One by one.
I have no problems with being honest about myself or about my thoughts or my feelings. And I have no problem with the need to scream and shout and shake my fists at the sky.
I did that this morning too.
But I also did this
I came here to see you.
I came here to reach out.
I came here because without you, I have nothing.
Without you, I am nothing because no matter where you are, or whether you are close or distant – you are me and I am you.
Always.
It is not easy.
Today was a bit milder than the temperature yesterday.
And Purgatory is quiet for now.
I am too.
I am quiet, now that I got this out of my system
I love you
this is all I know
And this is all I have
Until death do us part
but the way I see it, not even death or dying can stop me
from loving you –
The Written Addiction 