The warm air is fading from the wind the same as the memories from last year grow more distant, just like how the Earth moves away from the sun when winter comes around.
New York City is about to see another season and I am about to undergo another change.
I know.
The world is a cyclical place. We have four seasons. We have our bouts. We have our moments of joy and pain. We have days in the sun, moments when it rains, and times when it snows.
We have mornings when the ground thaws during the first warmth in spring.
I love the differences between these seasons. And I love them all for different reasons.
We are always entering something and whether we enter a new beginning, or a midway point, or if one chapter closes so a new one begins, I know that somehow fate is on my side.
Or at least, I hope so.
I understand the sentiments and the unwanted adjustments that come with unexpected or unwanted changes.
Don’t cry over spilt milk, I was told.
I don’t think it’s the milk, per say.
I think it’s the loss that never comes back, and maybe this is why we cry.
hen again, life is life and life is going to happen. Life does not stop to ask our opinion and nor does life regard us or care if we agree to life’s terms or beg to differ.
Time is an undying machine.
Always moving
Always changing
all we can do is find ways to adjust or adapt to the information in front of us.
I am someone who had to learn how to adjust and understand. Some call this mental illness. Some call what I have depression. Some say this is classic thing when it comes to those who are born with alcohol and substance abuse disprder.
I just call this life.
I had to find ways to learn and retain information in ways that my brain can remember and understand the lessons at hand.
Also, when it comes to my mental health of my levels of anxiety and fears; I had to find ways to accommodate the times and understand the difference between the things I can and the things I cannot change.
I know there is a prayer for this.
God, grant me the serenity . . .
right?
And yes, serenity . . .
what an amazing and great word.
And yet, I know how simple things are.
I know how the mind complicates the easy things, which comes along during cold and hard times. But either way, facts are fact and no amount of acting or pretending can change truths just because we do not like what we have or what we see.
Just because we do not like our choices . . .
it doesn’t mean we don’t have any.
There used to be a door that I had to open several times each day. he lock on this door was a bitch!
The door was somewhat common or everyday and to add clarity, the door was part of my work life.
This was me, all day, and every day.
Monday – Friday (at minimum) from 6:00am – 2:00pm
plus overtime . . .
this was me.
The door was a pain in the ass because there was a pressurization problem, due to a fan that was running on the inside of the room.
I work in a lot of fan rooms. . . .
First, you had to pull the door outward to alleviate the pressure from fan pulling the door inwards. Otherwise, it was nearly impossible to turn the key.
Then, you had to put the key in just right.
The key could not go all the way in but deep enough that the key slid in to do its trick.
Then you had to jiggle the key it in a certain way before turning the key to unlock the door.
I suppose this was bothersome or maybe even laborious. But after a while, the labor became part of my day. After a while, this become a routine and the key and the door problem was something I hardly thought about.
In fairness, I only thought about the door if (or when) I saw another team member or worker trying to gain entrance to the fan room.
I’d explain the process to which I would always hear some kind of response.
“Why is it like this?”
Or, “why don’t the fix this?”
The employer never fixed the door or the pressurization problem.
So . . .
This became part of my day.
I learned something here . . .
Temporary things have ways of becoming permanent or even common enough that our labor becomes thoughtless and then we go and we move and we live to fight another day.
We adjust and we go on about our business without thinking about the simplest or the surface level things
I used to open that door at least a dozen times each day. I seldom thought about the process it took to open the door or how deep to push the key.
I just did what I had to do to survive.
I learned something.
Pain can become commonplace and unthought of too.
We adjust. We move and we go and we become accustomed to certain discomforts.
We shove these things in our mental compartments.
This way. the mind can focus differently instead of laboring over surface level thinking.
We are all small in such a big world and yet, we labor and we bitch and complain. We fault and accuse and we blame. We hate and we fight and we lie and we labor and we complicate an otherwise simple life.
Yes.
We do
We think and we twist and turn. We go sleepless and anxious over simple unchangeable things that are out of our control.
Yet, there are so many if not too many things that are countless and unchangeable in our lifetime.
I do not work at the same place anymore. Therefore, I do not have to play with that door anymore.
And No, this was not a planned change.
My flaws and fate and my so-called fellow union members and disloyal friends took a shot at me. They did this to cut me down, which was fine in the long run.
They assumed they would take over and become higher up in the pay grade, which failed to take place, and of course . . .
What goes around came around.
I entered into a new ending that became my new beginning. And yes, this took adjusting.
Same as it took time for me to adjust to the key and the door; I had to adjust to my new surroundings.
And while the mourning process of losses and loveless bouts between truth and lies and additionally, I must add my adjustment to the end of bad marriages, bad love, bad sex lives and bad people were painful enough; I can say this was painful enough to ruin or kill me in tiny pieces.
And still . . .
Time moved on.
The world around me became big enough to show me that yes, love still exists. Dreams are real. Lies hurt. Pain kills and in more ways than from my figurative perspective, people do, can, and will often die from a broken heart.
However, and please forgive me for returning to my remnants of faith because although I am faith-based; however, I realize the disregard from the godless and the faithless people who turn their scowls on when I go this way.
But to me, this is the way.
To me, I realize that it is only by dying that one awakens to eternal light.
And this is what I want. . .
I want this.
I want the warmth and the glow and the guidance of such light.
I want to rid myself from my previous darkness so that the old parts of me can die and the new resurrection of self can take place. I want to grow and blossom like flowers under the sun.
Too many gestures and too many signs from fate and destiny point me toward you.
I have always been here and I will always be exactly where I am.
Here. Now.
And this will be me for the rest of my life.
There are too many sweet and gentle signs for me to forget or ignore the fact that despite the distance or the times when we first met and despite the way life turned me around, I know that I am here for a reason.
I know there is a reason why every step I take shows proof that there is a purpose and there is a lesson.
I don’t know what key opens the next door.
I just know that each door and each part of life has a truth and a process.
My job . . .
Is to learn
To see
To go, be and do
I have to do this
All day, every day, until my last breath
Or . . .
I will do this until my love loves me back
I will not fall nor falter nor shall I give up or quit.
Not now
Not ever
Blessed Father,
Take this from me, please.
Take away the darkness and the burdens
Take away my guilt and my shame
Take away the things that weigh heavy upon me
Take away my hysterics and the blindness they cause
Take me away too, that is, if you should choose to do so
Take mas so that should I die in a figurative sense; please let me be reborn in more of a literal sense
I want to change so that I can see clearly, feel better, and hold stronger now more than ever before.
No matter where you are, where you go, or what happens from this moment on, I will always love you.
Whether I love you closely or from a distance; truth is always going to be truth.
And, so . . .
Let me try again to push the key and see if I can make it unlock the next door and make my life complete.
Amen
Peace be with you
and also with your spirit
