The one thing I know above all else is that no matter what happens, no matter how tired you might be, no matter how hard the world hits you or how hard you fall down, you have to get back up and keep swinging.
You always have to fight back as hard as you can.
You have to swing that axe and let the chips fall where they may.
I know this
And you do too.
I have seen great things. I have been to great places.
I have had good times and I have had bad times.
I have seen great things and sad things.
I have see beauty and watched the most beautiful people become as ugly as their lies.
I have been sick and I have been healthy and well enough to look around and be happy with what I have.
Yes.
This is true –
I have lost more than I ever assumed I would have, let alone the fact that I have been bankrupt and returned to a greater status. I have been witness to the suggestion that when one door closes, another door opens.
okay then. Fine.
Opportunity is always around.
I have lost and regained more, only to be humbled again and reminded that no matter how high we climb, the fall to Earth is always humbling.
I lost love.
I lost time and money and blood and sweat.
I lost years of my life, trying and fighting, and hoping and wishing and more; I lost years of my life, searching and chasing after a love that was never mine to begin with.
It is not my place to condemn people to hell.
But yes, I know their time will come and they will face their fears and die in their sleep because their fears are a match for their sins.
I lived a lie and I have lied just as harshly or just as worse as anyone has ever lied to me.
Therefore, I have no right to point or asign blame.
I am just as guilty.
I have heard the saying that if you live by the sword, you will die by the sword, and the same truth can be said about lies.
Live with lies and die with lies, just the same.
There is no scape from the last or the final or truest judgment.
I built up a business and watched it all go away.
I built up a life that never seemed fit and while I had successes and while my life appeared to be brighter than most, there was a blurry truth that I did not belong where I was.
And, so, I found myself being a stranger when I was surrounded or living around familiar people.
I was lonely in crowds and lost in familiar places.
This was life.
I understand the rules of engagement.
I understand the theories behind the ideas of an eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth.
And so, I understand this is why it is said that many of us are toohtless and blind and yes, conspire to steal and thus, you are equally destined to be stolen from just as well.
I remember my younger years more as a time of casualty.
And yes.
I remember my young lust and my younger love life.
I wasted the best things because of fear and insecurty.
I remember my discomfort and my hatred which turned inward. And more, I remember the fears and the insanities caused by my insecure whispers. I remember the constant and draining stir and how I lost all of my energy and yet, I was too tired to sleep and too weak to fight back.
I lost the most beautiful girl in the world when I was a young man and I have never been the same since.
I remember the wreckage from my past and the wake of my outrage.
But more, I remember the pain this caused.
And, so, I know it was only a matter of time before past caught up to me.
It was only a matter of time before the pain I caused caught up to me, and no matter how fast I ran or how much I tried to hide, the brutal truth is always inevitable.
You can save your face and you might be able to sae your ass.
But by all means, you cannot save your face and your ass at the same time.
This is why pride comes before the fall because vanity is a sin and too many people are trying to avoid the rules.
Then again . . .
Vanity is a deadly sin.
So is greed.
And so are all of the seven deadly sins because all of them serve the evils of an unhealthy ego.
And ego . . .
Fuck your ego
Ego is nothing more than a weak porcelain figure of who we are afraid to be; as in, this is the part that is afraid to be exposed, as in afraid to be seen as weak, as in afraid to be recognized as vulnerable and so; I did what I could to throw off my scent so the dogs of war would not find me or hunt me down.
But the end is inevitable and no matter what, the world is filled with dead end places.
Hence, this is why the demons around us have plenty of patience.
I am living in a smaller part of the world now.
I have much less than I had before. And at the same time, I have no excuses.
I have no right to quit or to fold or to resign my post.
No.
I have to do the same thing each day, which is find the secret to my endurance, get back up, and swing my axe as hard as I can.
I keep these journals now for different reasons. I do not care about the publication or the fan base or the responses or the applause.
No.
I went back to the basics which is where I was when I first began my trip into poetry.
If I listen . .
. . . I can hear you in my thoughts
and if I look . . .
. . . I can see you in my dreams
and on the move screens . . .
. . .behind the walls of my eyelids
But my only hope is that one day soon
I will old you in my arms
Forever ~
I have to get back to this way of thinking.
Each day, I have to show up here and write one piece or one thought at a time.
And this is for me
to keep to my commitment
to save my own life
and to make my way back to where I want to be
by any means necessary
So help me, God.
I do not pray for things anymore.
I do not ask God for guidance.
No . . .
I just get up and swing my axe as best as I can
And hope that everything falls where it may
with all I have and wi6h all my heart
I love you
always
The end
