It is autumn now –
the winds are not the same as they were a short time ago.
But I am fine.
I am not sure how the transition came or went or how the sun began to sink much faster now.
But like the Good Preacher says after his sermon, “as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever,” to which I say, “amen.”
My side of the world is cooling down and the four seasons are always looking to prove themselves to us in the Northeast.
We are moving away from the sun, incrimentally, and yes.
I know the summer will be back. All matters like this will return sooner than we think,
Time always moves.
Time waits for no one. Isn’t that right?
So as I look to find the splendor in the here and now, then let me exhale and expose the doubts and find some kind of soothing nature or at minimum; please, allow me a semblance of beauty.
just for now –
or just this once
And ah, the lack of intensity that comes now that the summer. The heat is gone and the insanity that comes with the uncovered skin will calm down to sweaters and a vest.
And ah, the subtle changes or the easy and soulful moments I see at the time of sunset with a colored sky.
Sunsets in autumn . . .
New York . . .
She is my love and of course, she is beautiful too.
I have seen the sun go down from different places and in different towns. But wait –
I have never been around the world and I might never go so far.
However, I confess my lack of travel often makes me think that I missed out on seeing the world. And maybe . . .
yes, maybe I am not as seasoned or as cultured as some. But still, no one has seen what I have seen.
No one knows what it felt like for me to be where I’ve been.
I have seen things too.
I have watched the sunrise and the sunset from this side of my country as well as the other.
I have seen and lived with all kinds of weather.
I have witnessed the beauty of a snow-covered mountain and looked across a field after a snowstorm at night when the sky cleared and the full moon makes the white snow appear blue.
I have seen mountains and cities and I have watched the sun go up and down at both the Atlantic coast and the Pacific.
I know what beauty looks like.
I look to find redemption wherever I can.
Then again, I have to.
Otherwise, I will lose my mind worse than I already have.
I look for beauty because I know that ugly things exist.
Ugly things lurk and even beautiful places or beautiful covers can hide the most disgusting souls.
I have met good people and bad.
I have seen the most special and precious and yes, “dear God, yes!” I have met the most amazing people in the worst of places. I have seen the otherwise monstrous or the so-called evil and the problemed society and found them to be more giving and more loving than anyone I have ever met.
The book is judged by the cover.
And so am I . . .
Also, and adversely, I have seen the bitter truth behind pretty options of people with beautiful skin that hide the depths of their inherent ugliness.
What a shame, they are.
What a waste too.
I try. . .
Really, I try.
I try to resolve the angst and the mental or the emotional crisis and the frustration and my distaste for certain people, places, and things.
I ride home on a train to end my workday.
i would rather not curse the world, but admittedly, I do this too often.
I try to excuse the ugly nature and the unlikable things, like, say, the way people push and shove or live with their ‘me first” mentality.
I try not to feel the need to kill people who talk out loud on their cell phones or keep it on speaker so we all have to hear them.
I try –
I have to try and see something good or better than the obvious. Even when I look back at the hardships and the aftermath and the ruins of say, a life that went wrong or a situation that became unfortunate; I have to try and see something good or something better.
It wasn’t all too bad. My past, that is.
Even the demons in my history have times where they and I were on better terms and speaking kindly to one another.
There were good times. . .
It wasn’t all that bad.
Even the crazy days or the wild ones or the troublesome periods of my life to which I claim and account for – I bring them up because and despite my despair, everything in my life has made me who I am today.
I am all of this; the good, the bad, the ugly and more.
I am a simple and complex mass of accumulated moments. I am the addition of different venues, created and lived in both a hopeful and hopeless sense
I cannot say much. But yes, I can say that I danced the dances and I dined and I ate and fed from the fat of the land.
Even the painful memories to which I dare not speak of; even they have their place, same as we had our time or place in the sun.
I think . . .
I dared and I tried and I lived and I loved.
I did. . .
I made love.
I want this. Or should I say I want more of this
I want this now; to make in the ocean, up to my shoulders deep in the blue waters in a place which always lives in my heart.
“Love is love is love is love” is what someone tells me at work.
I do not know what love looks like to you or to anyone else. I do not know the concept of the emotions or the feeling of mutual flesh or the pleasures of sexual exploration is like to anyone else.
And no, I am not any sort of Shakespeare and nor am I anywhere close to Romeo or Casanova.
I am no one else but me
Flawed and tried and fallen and all
But I can say that yes.
Yes, I did.
I made love to the most beautiful woman in the world.
I kissed the body and the shoulders, the neck, the chest and the nipples and the stomach, the waist and the hips and the legs, the knees, and ankles and of course, I kissed the soles and the instep and the toes of the most beautiful girl in the world.
No one else can duplicate what I have done.
No one else can love her like I did.
And I might never be ‘enough” and my love and my life and I myself might live and I might be destined to die alone. I might be destined to die with the flaws of my nature.
But I have loved flawlessly and endlessly and I have been so enamored and so driven, or swept away, and I have been more “turned on” than anyone else in the history of the world.
Yes. Absolutely. I have.
And I might never be “that guy” again and I might have to pay for all my sins and never be matched with my dream hereafter.
But no one in this world knows what it was like for me to complete the action of making love to her and finishing inside the most beautiful person this world has ever seen.
No one knows what this is like
Except for me.
I try . . .
I really do.
I try to realize that all of us are only loaned to one another for a short period of time.
People come and people go
Some of us split
Some of us never part
And while I am alone in my thoughts and speaking subjectively for myself, I know that I saw the greatest in the world
No one can top this.
I am too young to die though
So . . .
I have more life to live, and more love to make, more ways to see and if I am lucky, I will make love in the clear blue waters . . . .
. . .and make my biggest dream
finally . . .
come true
