The rain made the cool winds a little colder this morning. I must have closed my eyes or maybe I failed to pay attention.
But either way, the clock is ticking.
October is on its way to a quick finish and moving like a bullet about to shoot from the barrel and explode and be gone.
November is right around the corner and moving fast.
Either way, I know that you and I are one day closer to an answer.
And whether the answer pulls us closer together or sets us farther apart, remains to be seen. All I can say is at least a day will come when you and I know the answer.
November is on the way.
I think too much during these months.
Holidays.
Cold nights and hopeful moments of warmth by a fire.
but I?
I am often distant or somehow mismatched and misplaced and elsewhere or far from where I want to be.
Or at best, I only come close but never close enough to touch or feel the sensation of my dreams.
I am unsure of myself during the Autumn months. And I am not sure if I am clear about me during the rest of the year or where I belong. At the same time, I am not sure if my discomfort is only intended to remind me that it is never too late to find out where we belong.
I want more.
And no, maybe there is never enough and maybe I’ll never be satisfied and I will always want more, which in all honesty; I am fine with me and my addiction to a beautiful excess.
However, the holiday months seem to magnify an emotion that furthers the idea that I am either mismatched or misplaced or maybe I am unfit.
Or if life has any way to show proof that there is a process to everything, maybe my path and my journey is nothing more than a path and a journey.
Maybe the point has not made itself clear yet. Or maybe my destiny has yet to manifest and yes, one day, yes, of course; I will dwell and live and laugh and learn in the house of my dreams forever and ever.
If as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever is true, then sobeit and let it be known and let it be true that I am working through it to make my way to it.
Please . . .
Send me a sign.
I beg you
I heard an old friend of mine tell me how, “the only way to it is through it.” This means we all have uphill battles. We all have tough times. We all go through pain or bouts and the terrible fights with lovers or loved ones and in the end, the only way to it is through it.
I am here.
I am as Shakespeare says –
I am fortune’s fool.
So let it be written
So let it be done.
But no one can say that I died at my own hand or too quickly or that I gave up because I will die before I give in or give up.
In fact, death will have to kill me three times. Or if at minimum and if death only kills me twice, rest assured that my coffin cannot contain me or conceal me or my spirit and still, I will go and I will do and I will be and I will search.
I swear it and make this my creed.
You have to be this way.
You cannot be deterred. You cannot allow yourself to lose to distractions.
You cannot stop. You cannot quit.
You can die first, yes, of course, and you have to die before you quit.
But dying cannot be the option and you cannot push the date or the hour of your death up to a sooner time
No.
this is not allowed.
You have to live.
You have to show up every day.
you have to go through it
to get to it.
You have to fight sometimes. I get that,
You can fight and kick and scratch and you might have to scream and pray.
And sometimes the answer to your prayers is yes.
Sometimes the answer is no.
I agree this hurts
And sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose.
Sometimes you wake up and realize the fight you fought or the path you took was not yours to begin with.
And none of the past is yours anymore and it never was.
Gone is gone.
Yesterday is a memory and tomorrow is where you hang your hopes and wishes for your dreams to come true.
I get that we lose ourselves to cases of mistaken identity. I understand the mistaken beliefs and the ideas that we assumed our life was going to be a certain way. I wish I was able to hold on tighter, or better yet, I wish I never let go or lost sight of what is truly important to me.
And I smile and laugh a little as I say this to you. I chuckle with a memory as I regard a children’s character named Captain Carl from a show when I was a kid.
I remember Captain Carl nurtured the heartache of loving his most beautiful girl.
Only, she never knew the Captain loved her.
Captain Carl spoke about his pain and talked about his life in a strange vagueness that no kid would ever understand.
And yet, a part of me knew about this, despite my young age, because a part of me always found myself lost in a foreshadowed thought about love or the missing applications of a love that got lost.
A character named PeeWee mentioned the word wishes to Carl.
Captain Carl was a man of the sea. He made his living fishing in the ocean and lived a lonely life.
Captain Carl explained, “you can live in fishes, but you can’t live on wishes.”
He canceled PeeWee’s urge to relate and be helpful to make himself feel better.
But PeeWee was just a boy.
And so was I
I saw this show when I was around the age of 11 or maybe 12.
But I remember it. Hence, the nature of foreshadowing was always real to me.
Fishes feed the body.
I suppose wishes feed the soul.
Pardon me, and my apologies to Captain Carl but I cannot live on just fishes.
No Captain Carl
I need some wishes too.
In all fairness, I have not had too many memorable moments during the holiday season.
I am no longer sold or lost or gone and caught up in the superficial layers of high-priced things. I do not care so much about the big house or the right car, the right address or the locational snobs and the greedy ones who only notice the wealthy names and labels of social snobbery.
I can be fine to be humble and comfortable and happy with more simple things. I am fine. No wait. I am perfect to be away from a complex or complicated society.
I want to make my life gentle and less complex or complicated and if possible, I want to be comfortable with a low cost of things which are already free.
There are no rivals left anymore. at least, not real ones.
I want to do away with the glories of wealth or the idea which makes me keep up with the neighbors or drown and die in the envy about the grass being greener on the other side of my neighbor’s fence.
I want this –
A dim room, soft with the low hue of a comfortable light that shines above a small table. A loving amount of only a few people who legitimately and fully as well as beautifully and wholeheartedly share a love for the others in the room and appreciate the warmth of a Thanksgiving meal.
And Christmas
Yes
Christmas with a humble tree, a small one perhaps. and decorated with homemade decorations that mean more than paid for ornaments.
I do not need the gold or the glowing or the flashy time peace anymore.
I’m fine with a gift of warm pair of socks that cannot slide.
I want the small and simplest things
I want all of them and I plan to collect them and honor and appreciate them. I have only seen these things in small or tine ways that I only witnessed in quick or tiny glimpses.
No one knows me . . .
And maybe no one loves me
But one day,
I have to work through it to get to it and when I do, I will gather the simple things in my life and worship this the same as I worship her . . . she, my girl and the love of my life with ten thousand kisses and more to spare.
Blessed Father –
I am ready
Send me now.
I am going through it
All I ask is please, with all of my heart
Lead me to it . . .
And let me live long enough to say yes
All of this that I have now
Was worth it
every second
