I know.
Time has a way of clearing the blurred vision of my past.
And again, I agree that I see things differently.
I feel things differently too.
I swear, it’s like my Old Man used to tell me.
“You’ll understand when you get older.”
Well, I am older now.
At the same time, I relate to a quote I saw the other day.
“Apparently, I am not old enough to know better.”
ah, the morning.
The fogginess and the clouds are strange this morning.
I sipped my coffee on the train ride to work and thought about the chores ahead of me.
I thought about the need to be elsewhere, like, say, far away and down by where the waters are crystal clear and the palm trees sway with a kind resolve and the wind blows across my body as I lay beneath the sun.
God, I wish I was sexy at least once.
I am not as awake as I’d like to be and nor am I as awake as I need to be.
At least not right now. Hence, the coffee and the quad shot of espresso.
The sun wakes up later now. And here I am . . .
I wish I woke up later but the world and my life and my workplace needs some attention, which is something I cannot get away from.
At least, not at the moment.
I am tried –
Then again, the clocks changed a few days ago. We pushed an hour ahead, which gave me an extra hour of sleep. And an extra hour of sleep would be great, if I slept more that is.
I remember the days of my younger and wilder self. I used to say things like, “illl sleep when i’m dead,” and I raged and went wild and yes, I paid for this in my middle-aged afterlife.
never slept much then either. I was never home much and so I was never situated as much and still, —the need to be out and the need to be alive was very different from the way it is now.
I agree. I want to live.
I want to go and be and run and dance like the years when music was live and the rooms were energized with strobes and flashing lights.
I still have that need to have that feeling.
I still have the need to be beneath a Miami moon and dance a salsa dance to a Cuban beat,
I still want to go and be and do.
At the same time, I don’t have the same desires.
My list of dreams has similarities but in the case of my adult life and being a grown man; i have updated and amended my list of dreams and formulated them in a way to become realistic and sustainable as well as obtainable.
I don’t want the same crowd or the wildness of being in the middle of the action.
When I was young, I thought like young men think
I am not young anymore.
I do not think like a young man anymore.
I have grown.
I have aged,
I am relaxed and older and more, I see the need to value my time differently from say, back when my thoughts represented a young man who had yet to live and learn the truth.
I view my life and my space as well as the value of my company very different.
Experience is the greatest teacher.
I do not need the gold star on my fridge and nor do I bring my report card home to be signed by anyone anymore.
I do not have to fight for acceptance. I do not need to sell myself or be chosen anymore.
At this point; I have to choose me.
And since I choose me; I choose me when it comes to the benefits of my future.
The Old Man was right.
I am older now.
And yes.
I do understand.
Hey, Pop . . .
you should see me know
or better, I wish you could
or hopefully . . .
maybe you do
I’m trying, Pop.
I really am
