The frost took over the front lawn this morning. The lawn belongs to a small home where I currently rent and reside in a small or tiny upstairs apartment.
I do not mind the crispness in the air or the frost on the ground or the time of year.
I do not mind the cooler breeze across my face in the morning.
Not at all.
I do not mind this and nor can I object to the later sunrise or how the sky looks in the later months of autumn.
I am fine with the leaves changing and fine with the different perspectives of November.
Such is life in the suburbs of New York.
Such are the times in my mid-fifties.
Such are the times of me, an older man with a graying beard and aging hands.
I do not look back with anger as much as I used to.
No.
I do not see any purpose in fighting or feeling hate or wasting my time with contempt in my heart or in my voice.
My younger man’s perspective of revenge or the need to be right has changed.
I am not interested in being a victim either. However, like an old working man told me with aged and tired hands, “I take my time, I take my breaks, and I take no shit!
I have no time for the worthless bouts and now, I choose an idea that being right might not be as worthy as being happy.
I am where I am
I have done what I have done and soon enough, the clock will strike and another year will have passed.
But us?
Where are we now?
What have we become?
Wat’s happened to the fun?
What’s different, now that the fun things have changed and the rules of engagement are not what they used to be?
Good questions –
I agree when I hear the saying that time is undefeated.
I agree that age is undefeated and further, I agree that no man is more defeated than the man who defeats himself or spirals out of control.
I know this all too well and too personally.
It is a new day and the end to an old week.
Sunday, which is a day before another change.
I have thoughts though.
These are younger thoughts and they come with a young man’s needs that were never met previously.
However, age is a great teacher and now that I have learned to calculate better; plan to make a few moves.
There are things that need to happen. And there are things I need to see.
There are things I need to do and there are people, places, and things which I need to oblige and connect with a sense of cohesion.
“La Isla Espiritu Santo” Los Cabos
this means the island of The Holy Spirit
I have to do this
I have to go there
I can sit in the sands at the bluest lagoon and say “See? I made it!”
I was listening to a man who had a hard time with life.
He was talking about the turbulence he felt while flying over the mountains.
He was advised by the air traffic controller that the turbulence was the wind bouncing across the tops of the mountains and hence, this is why he felt the turbulence.
I can dig it
Sometimes the air between us bounces across the surroundings ad so, we mistake the turbulence for a problem with us or how we choose to fly.
This is just life.
I was thinking about this.
The wind is out of my control.
I have no say when it comes to the weather. I have no say in another home besides my own and nor do I have influence with the subway systems or the nightmares with mass-transit, which I face willingly but under protest as I move or to and from work.
I have no control over those who choose to hate, slander, rob, cheat or steal.
I have no influence with the unchangeable outside opinions or like an old friend of mine would say, “haters are gonna hate!” because this is what they do.
I was asked if I feel like I have accomplished anything.
I was asked what success means to me or what it feels like to be successful.
And at my best, I can answer this easily. I can list my things that come with gratitude. I can express my love and my hopes and I can share myself freely and wholeheartedly.
I am at my best when I feel my best.
But I am not always at my best.
So?
I heard this once, “We are not training to be the best, we are training to be the best, even on our worst day.”
Here are some questions I need to share
-who inspires you?
-what motivates you?
-what is your purpose?
-what gets you up when your legs are too weak to stand?
And above all, what do you do if you lose these things or if (or when) or in whichever case, what do you do when the answers to the above questions go away?
What happens if your inspiration and your motivation disappears or leaves?
think about this.
What do you do when your love is gone or love is no longer returned?
What can you do when the bottom falls out from underneath your feet and the drop is seemingly endless or bottomless?
Well . . .
Adversity is not the question and nor is the presence of your adversity the question.
No.
The question is what are you going to do now?
I had to sidestep the journey for a moment and sit back to endure the sunset a few times.
I had to miss some of my favorite things before remembering the beauty of autumn and the orange hue of sunset.
It is easy to see ugly things because ugliness is always willing to present itself first, —and I assume this is just to keep you reminded that fear is no different.
My place is a mess at the moment.
Worse than usual
This reminded me of a grade schoolteacher who yelled at me about my messy desk.
She yelled at me and said, “a messy desk is a sign of a messy mind.”
I was a little kid and answered, “Bitch, you don’t know the half of it!”
Decades later, I had a conversation with someone who knew me “back then.”
They explained that there was something different about me.
There were answers of mine that were not like a kid or childlike.
No, it was explained that there has always been “something about me,” and that I have always seemed weathered or tested and somehow, it would appear as though I endured too much, even at a young age.
I did a short amount of time with a therapist that explained, “Man, you were really stressed out!”
This was good too because someone else acknowledged it.
I had an audit at my day job.
The auditors expressed that I am very knowledgeable.
They said, “He definitely knows what he’s doing!”
But . . .
“It was his way or the highway.”
I smiled when my managers reported this.
I asked, “Were you surprised?”
“Nope!”
For now, I will go to the questions I asked in the earlier paragraphs.
What inspires me?
Upsetting the odds and being the underdog who completes the challenge and surpasses the judgments and the predictions.
I can tell you what inspires me.
I don’t need to be right.
I don’t need to bring home my report card anymore.
I don’t need a pat on the back or a gold star for the fridge to impress Mom or Dad and say “look at me. I’m a good boy!”
I don’t even need to be a good boy anymore
What do you think of that?
I was told don’t quit before the miracle happens.
And perhaps the miracles I’ve seen are not the miracles I’ve been hoping for.
But I will not quit before they happen.
I might die first but if that happens, then fine
At least this means quitting was last.
What motivates me?
Defying the odds.
Defying the sad or the bad predictions and defying the opinion that I’ll never make it to where I want to be.
What’s my purpose?
What gets me up when I don’ have the strength?
You.
God, I swear you have always been this for me in one shape or form
No matter where you are
No matter what you do
No matter where you are
You . . .
Do you know why I’ll never quit or give up?
Because it would disappoint you
and I can’t have that
You know?
