The thing about life is it’s enough to drive you crazy. The more we try to make sense of it all is the more we find ourselves insane while trying to understand why things happen. It is beyond me to know why good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good. It is beyond me to understand why children get sick, or worse. I can’t make sense of it. Neither can you. Or maybe you can, but still, I see no explanation that can validate the crazy tragedies we go through.

After all the evaluation and after the stages of contemplation to preparation, the next phase begins with determination. This is followed by action. This is the stages of change. Put simply, change is creating a new normal. That’s it. that’s all there is to it.

I knew a man that lived in the town nearby. He was a friend. Safe to say I knew him well enough to understand the more personal aspects of his life. It is also safe to say that I knew his personal truths. He was a broker. Or more accurately, he was a market-maker. He was a stock broker and earned a decent amount of money.
Years passed after leaving the first firm; however, just before the statute of limitations ran out, this man was sitting at his desk in his office. He was on the phone with his five year-old child because his child just learned how to tie their shoes when suddenly; several agents approached the doorway. The man knew why they were there.

There are times when my eyes open wide enough to see clearly, and suddenly, I am aware of my actual size. I am aware of how so small I am.
In comparison to so many things, I am aware that we are all so infinitely small, and yet, I am also aware how something so small can be so amazingly huge, enormous, in fact—like a child, for example—or like an infant, or like a two year old I had never met but donated platelets from my blood. Then of course, there was a small boy that I only met for five minutes, but yet, this brief interaction changed everything for me.

When I began to consider my life and contemplate the ideas of taking on a new direction, I thought to myself, honestly, and I looked around at the fixtures on my wall in my home.
I looked at the photographs I had and the smiles on people’s faces. I swore, i didn’t want to be the way I was, but yet, I was.

I considered the people in my life. I thought about my friends and my family. I thought of this and after surviving me and defeating ideas of “Why me?” and, “Why do things like this always happen,” I took an honest look at me and my role in this opinion.
I looked at the things I did and all the projects I began but never finished. I looked at my perception of hope. I looked at my ability to endure and to continue.

Two poles—
North and south of me, up and down, or high and low. I am not alone here, not m I the only one the feels or thinks this way.
We’re not crazy, you and me.
We just wonder if we are.

1)

Then one morning . . .

You wake up and there’s just nothing

You have nothing and this has nothing to do with a place to live or money.

I remember seeing a picture of a kid. He was holding a stick in his right hand that ran over his shoulder, and at the end of the stick, the kid tied a sack to it with all of his things inside.
He was running away.
Remember running away? I do. I used to run away all the time. I would stay gone for a while but I would eventually come home.

To Whom This May Concern;

Going forward and for me to move onward, I made a decision to reject the fear based or shame based ideas and the programs or programmed thinking that leads me back to depressive thought patterns that keep me stuck.