Alone at my bottom with nowhere left to fall, I was most afraid that my bottom had a trap door. And when I say alone, I mean the worst kind of alone; I mean the kind with no one to turn to and no to speak with. When I describe alone, I describe this from inside an empty apartment with naked walls, no pictures, and hardly any furniture. I had an old television set, but no cable. I had one VCR but only two movies. The walls Continue reading →

January 1, 2017 New Year’s Day

We are hours after the sunrise. I was up before this (of course) and waited to see the first light move from the east and raise above the empty tree branches that stand above Old Wesley Chapel and its tiny cemetery. The winter blue sky is clear with sporadic patches of soft white clouds that move overhead in groups of pillowy cotton. The January sun isn’t bright this morning but it shines without any kind of warmth and leaves shadows on the mountains behind my home.

My home stands at the top of a hill. The hill slopes downwards behind my house and my property reaches down to Haverstraw Road. Beyond Haverstraw and passed the homes is wooded land on the risen mountains.

God, I wish you were here to see this . . .

I took a walk up the road to see the frozen pond. There is still snow covering the ice where a series of footprints left behind by one of the deer tracked a line and drew a circle to show where the little fawn entered and where she decided to make her exit. I like this place. The pond, I mean. This is somewhere I pass on my long morning walks during the warmer months. Today is not warm; however, I wanted to walk and feel the cold winds fill my lungs.

I wanted to feel the chill on my face, inhale deeply, and then say to myself, “Ahh,” before I exhale. Everything is so clean here. There is room to walk freely and see things like the golden eagles that turn through the sky and hover above the grounds between the Catamount and Panther mountains.

There is something so plain and so beautiful about this place. I swear you would love it here. It’s the kind of place that deceives the cold heart and tricks it into feeling something warm and inviting. I have never been anywhere like here. But this is mine. This place or this corner of the world — this here is mine. Perhaps this is why I feel so strongly about my surroundings.

I took a walk this morning to keep a tradition alive. I looked upwards at the sky and felt the wind on my face. I watched the tiny windmill in my driveway spin and change direction. I could smell the aroma of a nearby fireplace.

God, I wish you were here.

I am not sure where you are now or what you can see. I have always said that the eyes in heaven never blink — not even once. I believe the eyes of heaven never blink because blinking is an earthly thing and since that which is of flesh is flesh; that which is of spirit is spirit. And you are of spirit.

I know why I blink. I blink because my eyes need moisture. I close my eyes to rest. If I need to imagine something or gain a picture in my head, I shut my eyes so that I can see this picture more clearly. The eyes in heaven would never do something like this. They wouldn’t need to. I’d like to believe that you see us in ways that I could not comprehend. Since I am still of body, I cannot understand what it is like to see through the eyes of the spirit. Since I am of flesh, I cannot understand what it is like to be in the presence of you, as you are now, in the form of the spirit. Because I am earthly, and because I am still of the flesh, I am simple and only wish there was a way to hear from you.

I have this dream sometimes of you and me, moving through the rolling waves across the top of the sea. You are wearing a captain’s hat, a white sweater rolled up high as a turtleneck upon your throat as you stand at the wheel of your ship in the wheelhouse, moving outward and onward to ports I’ve only dreamed about.

You are there somewhere. I imagine you this way. You are far out beyond the lobster pots, passed the scallop grounds where boats drag the bottoms and passed the long-liner fishing boats. I imagine you this way. You are somewhere beyond where the cross-Atlantic barges move cargo from foreign ports to ours. You are in the endless ocean — so vast and beautiful. I dream of you like this.

Currently, the offshore weather reports a gale warning. There is a small craft advisory and conditions between the Hudson and Baltimore Canyon are as follows: There is a cold front, west winds moving between 25 to 35 knots, diminishing to 15 to 25 knots early then becoming northwest 10 to 20 knots. As of now, the seas are anywhere between 7 to 12ft which will eventually subside into seas of 5 to 8ft in wave height.

Pop, wherever you are now, I imagine you standing at the wheel in your wheelhouse, wooden pegs to the wheel held in your hand as the bow your ship raises and falls; throttles forward to keep you moving through calm seas. And somewhere, sitting comfortably with a smile, perhaps doing needlepoint in a comfortable chair next to a soft white lamp, Mom is there and waits for your return to port. I envision her smiling because at last, she is home, and at last she is with you, painless and free.

There is a feeling I suppose that comes when love is so deeply rooted that wherever we are — we still feel the company of our loved ones; in which case, we are never alone. I lose sight of this sometimes. I forget there is nothing so strong as a Mother’s love. I forget that you being who you are — your strength could never be diminished nor could your love ever become short of reach.

Today is the first day of the New Year. I took my walk. I took my deep breath and had the chance to say, “Ahh.”
God, I wish you were here to see this . . .
I wish you both could visit. I wish I could see the expression on your faces when you walked through the front door of our home. I could show you my tool bench downstairs and the refinishing projects I’ve started. Claire and Mom would make dinner. You and I could sit on the back porch, look at the mountains, and do nothing else but enjoy our time together.

All my love,

Your Son

B—

Dear Pop,

27 years ago today . . .
Can you believe it? A full-grown man is born and raised in less time than this.
27 years ago. It was passed the midnight hour when the nurse came out to see Craig and give him the news.
Mom, Dave and I had decided to come home once they turned on the machines to keep you alive. You were no machine to us. No, to us you were more than artificial life.

What I remember most about this day is the hours later. After receiving the news, I remember the first time Continue reading →

If anyone ever asked my mother, she might have told you the hardest day in her career of being a mother was the day she drove me up to a drug and alcohol treatment facility. I was far away from home and fortunately, I was even further away from my friends and the other influences that kept me sick. If anyone asked my mother if she felt this was the right thing to do; she would have explained about the guilt she felt. She might have explained about the feelings of failure, asking herself, “Where did I go wrong?”

I did not grow up in a broken, nor abusive home. I was not neglected, nor were my parents active alcoholics or involved with drugs in any way. I grew up in a normal, average home with the same Continue reading →

After scrolling through a series of photographs, I came across one with me in it. Having realized that I almost failed to recognize myself, nearly asking, “Who is that fat guy?” I became painfully aware of what had happened to me.

To put this kindly; I was overweight. My knees hurt and my ankles were bad as well. My face was rounded and bloated. My stomach was round too and the tattoo of an Asian princess on my lower rib and across my stomach had gained enough weight that she no longer resembled an Continue reading →

I heard these words before.
“A fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other, that they may solve their common problem and help others recover from . . .”
I heard these words before, but words like these were too far for me to grasp.
Walking through a series of double doors and into a small room, lined with chairs that were filled with others like me, I had no idea what to expect. This was not my first time in a room like this. I suppose it was just the first time I was able to pay attention. My mind had cleared enough that I could listen to what was being said. It was the first time I listened to Continue reading →

When I was young, around 19 or so, I met this girl and we decided to try and play house. This seemed like a good idea at the time. In truth, I had never had a relationship before this girl. I never really had a high school sweetheart or went through the normal teenage patterns of love or at least the kind of love that teaches how to love someone else. I never felt that sense of white-picket lust or the romanticized idea of sexual desire that is often confused for love—the kind that comes with the general novelty of man and woman, together, and happy.
At best, my attempts at love were Continue reading →

Man in the holding cell with me was a Jehovah’s Witness. He was Jamaican and he had been in the cell since Saturday afternoon. By the time I wandered into Hempstead’s holding facility, Sunday had already come and was almost gone.

As I approached my cell, the guard stopped me.
“Right here,” he said
He slid open the barred door instructing me to, “Turn and face the cell.”
And like the man said, I turned to the right, stepped slightly into the cage with my hands cuffed behind my Continue reading →

Somehow, I thought being a grown-up would have more advantages . . .
I guess I was wrong about this.

I was up and out of my house before the sun had its chance to wake. I drove down the dark road  that leads from my house on Spook Rock and turned right onto Haverstraw. The moon was bright enough to shed a little light on the otherwise unlit roadway. My high-beams switched on to shine upon the road, hopefully to stop any of the mountain critters from running across the street.
No coffee yet and with hardly any sleep, I made my way onto the Palisades Parkway, heading due south, until I find my way to the George Washington Bridge.
Mostly dark for this drive, I slipped into a strange thought process. Almost involuntary and certainly ongoing, my thoughts tend to dovetail—spreading out from one subject to another, growing and snowballing into thoughts I don’t need to have.

“I should have had a cup of coffee,” I thought to myself.
Fortunately, I have enough faith in my equipment. My mind takes over in autopilot. I am consciously aware of the road and cautious of the deer that seem to dodge their way across the parkway. Yet, at the same time, my mind is off and wandering from one intense thought to the next.
The problem is I think too much. I am not alone with this problem either. I overthink and over analyze. I worry too much—and worrying is not always helpful.

I arrived at work and still, no sign of the sun. I was greeted by the security guards at the loading dock gate. Both guards are very friendly towards me. Similar to me, neither of the two guards in the guard’s booth is at work because they want to be.
Like me, they have bills. They have a family. Like me, both guards had a family before the family they have now—and exactly like me, they understand what it means to have bills, as well as things to pay for, a mortgage to pay on time (or rent) and still pay child support without falling behind.

As soon as I began my shift this morning, I began to feel the slow, simmering feeling that comes with anger. I felt the need to complain. I wanted to complain about the hours I put in. I was pissed about the jobs I have to do.
I was pissed about the bills I have to pay and the taxes they take out of my check. I’m pissed about the way I am treated in some cases. I’m pissed about those involved in my life when I would rather them be uninvolved—and I’m pissed about those who are uninvolved in my life when I want them to be more involved.
“I swear, no one understands,” I think to myself.
Today started poorly. I wanted to complain about the people I work with. And the list continues. Like anyone else, I have a boiling point. Like everybody else, I reach a limit and I want to scream. I want to complain. I want to bitch about people and vent the anger. I want to cry out and throw the adult version of a childish temper tantrum.

Someone I have a great deal of respect for suggested, “You should probably count your blessings before you complain about anything else.”
“You have a job,” he told me.
“You have a place to live,” he said and then he pointed at my car.
“And you obviously have a way to get from one place to another, so I think you might want to see what you’re grateful.”

Back when I was a little kid, The Old Man used to come home from work, sit at the dinner table, eat, and say very little. My father was a blue collar guy. He worked hard and he worked with his hands. Some nights, The Old Man would come home sore from the job. His back ached. His knees hurt from crouching down and swinging pipe wrenches.

I know The Old Man washed his hands before sitting at the dinner table,  but soot and pump grease, black oil, and machinery grit are tough things to wash away. This is the kind of dirt that stains the fingerprints and leaves a black outline around the fingernails.

Usually, we had already eaten by the time The Old Man came home from work. He was always welcomed in the door by my Mother. My brother was usually elsewhere, and I was too young to go anyplace else.

I remember the look of intensity on The Old Man’s face. I could tell there was so much weighing on his mind, and while at the dinner table, The Old Man wanted nothing more than to finish his meal, unwind, and exhale. I remember his face was almost expressionless and his eyes were half-closed because he was tired after a long day.

My Old Man worked. This is what he did. He worked and cared for his family. As he saw it, this was his job. He provided to the best of his ability.
True, there were times when he was a man of few words. After long days, The Old Man was not always friendly. He was tough. The Old Man was tough on the men that worked for him and he was also tough on me sometimes.

I admit to being frightened of him on occasions. I admit that although he was rough around the edges, there was no one else in the world like my Old Man. I admired him. In truth, I wanted to be like him—exactly like him—dirty hands and all.

There is a memory I have from when I was a boy. I was 8 year-old and sick with gastroenteritis. I was hospitalized and then sent home. It went back and forth like this. I could not keep food down or keep still. I could not sleep or find a comfortable position to rest. All I could do was cry, vomit, and feel sick.
One day, this was so bad that I could hear my Mother crying downstairs. I never asked why she was crying. I suppose being a Mom, my Mother felt helpless. It was a sure thing that I would have to return to the hospital. I repeat this to emphasize the discomfort; no matter what Mom tried to do, I could not sleep. I could not sit still and I could not keep any food down. At her wit’s end, my Mother had nothing left to give.

It was nighttime when The Old Man returned home. I heard the front door open and shut closed. I heard the sound of my Old Man walking through the door and heading over to the dinning room table, which is where my Mother intercepted him.

“He’s all yours,” she said with a frustrated cry.
“I’ve tried everything but I just can’t get him to calm down.”

My Mother was referring to her day with me.
I had tears in my eyes. I remember this. I was so terribly sick and uncomfortable. Since there was no relief in sight, I was afraid I would have to go back to the hospital. I was afraid of the needles they put in my arm. I was afraid of the ongoing sting that came with the intravenous contraption that connected medication into my veins by way of a clear plastic tube and distributed through the tip of a sharp needle which poked through my vein.

I was afraid of the sounds I heard in the hospital. I was afraid of the tests they run and lies from other doctors when they said, “It doesn’t hurt. You’re just going to feel a little pinch, followed by some pressure.”
I was told that if I could not stop vomiting, they would have to take me back to the hospital to give me more medication, which of course, left me petrified.
My head hurt and my body ached. Worst of all, I could not stop the nausea—no matter what I tried and no matter what the doctors gave me, I could not stop the sickness from happening. Sadly, I felt so terrible that I wanted to die.

Lying in my bed, lights off, hair all matted and pajamas wet with sweat from a high fever, I heard The Old Man take to the staircase. I heard each of his footsteps, slowly, one step by one step until he reached the top into the lighted corridor. I could see the shadow of his figure heading up the carpeted stairs.

“Is there anyone up there I know,” asked The Old Man, jokingly.
He opened the door a bit wider and stood in the doorway.
“Whadaya say, kid?”

I was too sick to answer him. I was crying and could not stop. The Old Man walked into my bedroom with the lighting from the hallways moving through the doorway of my bedroom. I was curled on my side—head on the pillow with my knees curled up to my chest. I was so small, young, and painfully frightened.

The Old Man sat next to me.
“Let me take a look at you,” he said.
When I moved over to let The Old Man sit on the side of my bed, I moved the blankets from my body, revealing my rib that was uncovered by my crumpled up pajama top.

“Look at this,” said The Old Man.
“I can see your ribs,” he told me.
“Did anyone ever tell you that your ribs stick out?”
The Old Man poked one rib at a time.
“Your ribs look like a piano.”

I felt to terrible to be entertained.
I was too uncomfortable to be comforted and too nauseous to rest.

“Let’s see what we got here,” said The Old Man.
Gently poking at my ribs like they were keys to a piano, this man who was big, strong, heavy-handed, and strict at times, sat beside me and showed me what it means to be a father. And then he began to sing.

He sang, “Tea for two, and two for tea. Me for you and you for me.”
I was way too young to know much about this song. I had no idea who Doris Day was and that this was a song she sung in a movie from the 1950’s.
Perhaps The Old Man did not have the best singing voice. Maybe The Old Man was tough. Maybe he was hard during times when he could have been gentle. Maybe he smelled from the cleaning solution from his shop, mixed with fuel oil from a furnace. However, on this night when I needed it most, The Old Man showed me what it means to be a Dad, and shortly after, at last, I was able to fall asleep.

I never forgot this. Even in the trouble times between teenager and parent, I still remembered this, which is why on the night when The Old Man passed, he was pale, sick, and uncomfortable. The medication made him crazy. He screamed and suffered from hallucinations. No matter how he tried and what the doctors gave him; The Old Man could not rest or sit still.

Before my father passed, I sat at his bedside in the Coronary Care unit and returned the loving kindness he once showed me when I was sick. He had lost a bit of weight, and well, same as he did for me, I decided to play the piano on his ribs the same way he did for me. “Tea for too and two for tea. Me for you and you for me.” And as a result, I sung my Old Man to sleep.

What I remember most of this was the tear drop that balled in the corner of The Old Man’s closed eyes. “Look,” someone pointed out. “There’s a tear in his eye.”
The doctors suggested this was his body letting go. Whereas I, on the other hand, I believe this was a tear from my Old Man’s farewell.

This morning, I found myself stuck in a case of self-will. I was angry. I have resentments on my mind. I come home late and I eat at my empty dinner table. I have a look of intensity on my face—almost expressionless, and my eyes are half-closed because I am tired. My back often hurts. My knees are bad and my ankles are not much better. I am often less than patient and too often quick with my temper. Meanwhile, those in my home simply want to say one thing. They want to say, “Hello,” or“How was your day,” and “We missed you.”

When I was a boy, I used to want to be exactly like The Old Man.
Apparently, I received my wish.

Note to the reader:

As I write to you, I am thinking of a father, who like me, lives in a home with a family. Just like me, he has bills to pay and work to deal with.
He’s a Dad and I’m sure like all Dads, this man has good days and bad ones.
I tell you, this father is going to be a new friend of mine.

The reason why is currently. this Dad is sitting by his daughter’s bedside in a Morris County Hospital while she undergoes an intense treatment for a rare and aggressive form of Leukemia.

I think my friend was right this morning. I think I do need to count my blessings. I think I need to realize how blessed I am to have a family, have a wife,  and be called “Daddy!”

With all I have and all I can give, I offer you this story with hopes that it helps.
Believe me, there is no love like that from a Dad.

Trust me sir, this can be lifesaving . . .

 

Today, Friday November 18, 2016

I step outside my front door. The air is cool and crisp—the clear skies are only moments after Dawn and the sun is coming up, rising above the tips of tall evergreens, which slope upwards on this side of the mountain: a bright yellow glare streams down through the pines and the branches of seasonally empty trees. I am quiet for now and the morning has yet to get underway. I inhale and exhale with the smoke from my breath, lifting, and then disappearing into atmosphere.
For now, the Continue reading →