It took me a while to find my sanity, which is not to say that I am sane, by any means. But yes,
I am a work in progress.
I am about to discuss a small part of my life. However, this is my past. This is my beast as well as a previous burden.
This is my life “before,” so-to-speak.
But this is not me (anymore).

I am so much more than this part of my past. I am more than a man who identifies as a person in long-term recovery. I am clean and yes,
I have stayed this way since April 1, 1991.

It is more to me than something simple and obvious. People, I mean.
I’m talking about the easy and the obvious findings. I’m talking about the things we fail to notice yet we see them every day. People. Although not all are the same and not all people belong in the same category.
But again, since this is about happiness and the findings we grab along the way, then let’s talk about the greatest thing we can find. Our tribe.
What does this consist of?

It is safe to say that whatever is beyond me is beyond me. And we know this.
However, at the same time, I see people walk into unnecessary battles with eyebrows folded downward with a seething rage, teeth grinding, lip snarled and their neck bent forward and fists clinched.
I have seen people go off to fight an unworthy battle and lose to an unchangeable opponent.

Suffice to say that I have done this too
Suffice to say that I have my share of battle wounds that could have been avoided.
Safe to say that I have wasted minutes, hours and even years like this.
Safe to say that I have lost sleep. I’ve lost ground and yes, I have even lost myself to fights against unbeatable items, such as a life beyond my control.
Then again, haven’t we all?

Nostalgia –
Now there’s a great find. This is the thing inside of us which stirs when something comes along and hits the memory button.
Nostalgia, like, as in ah – that thing which took place all those years ago.
Remember?
Back when we were young . . .

What does it mean anyway?
Life?
What does it mean to live to the fullest? I ask because, in fairness and as an honest spectator, I often see people live with reservations and doubt.
This is amazing to me but still, it’s true. We have wants and dreams and desires yet, there are so many of us who never dare to give our hopes the shot they deserve.
There countless people in this world and everyone is up to something. Everyone has an idea or a plan. And at the same time, everyone has a want or a need, a dream, or a wish.

Something I think about is the way we argue. I wonder why, as in, what for?
I think about the way we fight or the way we bitch about nonsense or unimportant things that somehow take priority in our lives. We bitch and we moan. We complain. We fight and we go back and forth and we beat the so-called dead horse.
Why?
Does any of this really help?

I have been looking for an answer to my prayers. Then again, I suppose we all are.
Even those who never pray – they have something that they want too.
I’ve been hoping and searching to find “that thing” that has no name yet this is the thing that means everything to us.

This has been an ongoing search and an ongoing pursuit for me – as in the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness. And too, I have been made aware throughout my life and on countless occasions that happiness changes.
We change too.

What was it that made you happiest when you were a kid?
I ask this because there are times when I struggle to remember. There are times when I almost forget that there was a time, and albeit long ago, or not so long ago; there was a time when I was able to laugh or smile about the simplest things.
I love the idea of simple fascinations. I love the little details of things that might catch someone’s attention. It’s the simple things too. It’s the tiny details that we notice and yes, it’s these things that spark the idea machine and cause us to do things, like give a tiny gift that relates to this, as if to say, “Yeah, I noticed that too.”

There are times when the hour is late and all is dark. My mind escapes me, which means my thoughts are moving too fast and in a thousand different directions.
And I know what this is. I know what they call this.
They call this insomnia. But me, I call this another night in bed, looking up at the ceiling. I say this is another night, tossing from one side to the other, trying to find a comfortable spot and trying to stop my mind from moving in a thousand different directions.
But hey, try to relax. Right?
Isn’t that what people say?
Try to clear your mind.
Ever hear that one?

There’s got to be something more to this life than what we see. I mean more than the status symbols that we were taught to envy or admire and more than money or who has the most toys. There has to be something more than who we are in the ranks of popularity or where we live or work or how much we earn.
Life has to be more than an exclusive address or club memberships.
There’s more to us than that.
I know there is.

Yet, the grass is always greener, as they say. Or, we can learn that the grass is greenest where it is cared for the best.