This is me “talking” to me.
About you, of course.
I was thinking about your birthday, which is near now, and I was thinking what I can give you.

My words, perhaps.
Or more, let me give you this –

Out of all the things that I know, I know there are certain truths that can never be changed or broken. These are the things that connect us. They are also the truths that can divide us, depending upon the direction we take, of course, or how we value our truths together.

I started this journal with a purpose. Then again, we start everything with a purpose.
However, I decided to write this with the intention of asking myself the question, “What’s it gonna take?”
I ask myself this because I have seen different things. I have lived different lives, so-to-speak, and I have been up and I’ve been down.
I ask this because there are things that I want to do. There are places I want to go and things I want to see.
I ask myself this because have a list of goals that I want to achieve and losses that I want to overturn. But also, I want to recharge my personal value. I want to restart my life, which is not to say that I am born again or that I am born again from a religious perspective. No, this is not to return to the womb or to start over. Not at all.
I want to wipe the slate clean. I want to start fresh or at least, I want to start fresh, even if the life around me isn’t fresh at all.

Ah, the life according to question, “What if?”
I know this all too well.
Of course, there are two sides to every coin. Am I right?
Therefore, there are two sides to every “what if” question.
I’m sure.

Let’s not forget the life according to the questions of “When?”
When is it my turn?
When am I going to be happy?
When am I going to break this mold and be the person I’ve always wanted to be?

I heard this the other morning.
“God is great.”
Then someone said, “Is it that simple?”
The other person replied, “Yeah. It’s that simple.”

I can neither confirm nor deny whether anything is that simple. I cannot say whether my faith reaches that level nor can I confirm that faith alone will soothe the pain or calm the storms that we face in life.
It’d be nice though.

The aim is to be happy. I know I want this.
We all want this.
I suppose the difference between me and the happiness I aim for now as opposed to before is that I cannot allow my happiness to come at the expense of someone (or anyone) else.
Selfish or self-centered living comes at a much higher expense than the cost of real happiness
And me? I want to be happy.
Or even better, I have set a goal for myself. I have made this my commitment because there is no other choice in my eyes.
My goal is to rid myself of the external worries that cannot, will not, and do not serve me or my best interests. However, I have to rid myself of my own impurities and toxins, which means that I must not allow myself to slide back or revisit what I consider a toxic lifestyle.

There is more to life than what we see. I suppose this is true for us as well. There is more to life and more to us than what appears on the surface level.
There are more features beneath the surface, yet it seems common that people notice the surface levels without daring or bothering to dig deeper than the flesh of someone’s skin.

This is how you know when someone cares.
You can see this because they notice small things. Maybe they notice the unspoken things, which is often the case because when someone cares, they can tell that the words, “I’m fine,” are not true.

I suppose the real question for me to answer has become this.
What’s my purpose?
What is my reason for being and living because more than anything else, I do not want to be here just to be here or take up space.
I want to be more than someone who fills a void because if this is it, or if this is all I am, then I am nothing more than void or void in the sense that I am only here to kill time.
That’s the last thing I want to do.
I want be more than some kind of mild distraction to an otherwise, bigger picture.

What has to happen?
What needs to wake a person up so that they are no longer sleepwalking through life?

I have been me for as long as I can remember.
I have tried to be different. I tried to be other people or someone else, but no matter how I tried, the only person I could ever be is me.

Anything else was fake, like an imposter.
I’ve been a fraud before, like a bad check that has no business or funds to cover the debt.
I’ve been this before too, or otherwise bankrupt, empty, or voided like a canceled check that was no longer worth the paper it was printed on.

However, past endings and old challenges are no longer my focus nor should they be.
Bottom line is as follows:
This is me.
This is my skin, or like I always say, “this is the skin I’m in.”