There are parts of me, all different and often opposing one another.
I am an imperfect mix of different characteristis.
Or –
Like anyone else, I am a mix of all the colors under the rainbow.
I am dark and light and gray in-between.
I have qualities that allow me to stand out.
I have a voice.
I have rights and I have flaws or cracks and imperfections in this thing, which I call my façade.
After all, I am only human at best
I am simple. I am difficult.
I come with my fair share of joys and complications.
Yes. This is me.
Of course, this is me,
Who else would I be, even if I was only pretneding to be someone else?
No matter how I lie or act or pretend, in the end, I can only be me.
Always.
And yes . . .
I understand sadness.
I understand what it means to overcome or to come back from adversity.
I know joy and pain and I know wins and losses all too well.
But my wins out weigh my losses. However, at times, my blindness makes mistakes and causes me to see things that are not there.
(of that makes sense.)
I know what it means to seek, hunt, and need to find the secret of my endurance.
i know how it feels to “run out of gas and appear stranded or feel abandoned or lost or worse, I know how it is to be lost in a crowd and along in a sea of countless faces.
I get this all too well
I know that despite my wishes and dreams, real life can often differ or oppose my requests for better things, and therefore; no matter how much i have on my side or regardless of my advantages; I have to work hard to gain and maintain a better life.
I have not quit.
I have come close.
I have lost time and space and I have lost more money than I ever assumed I would make.
I have not submitted or surrendered. However, I have chosen to give up what is not mine and therefore, I refuse to allow myself to drown in the emotional quicksand and fade from existence or drown in the thin air of contempt and be robbed of my soul.
There are pieces of me which add and complicate me as well as there are parts of me that teach nothing else but emotional terrorism and so, inside, i conquer and dvide.
I know right from wrong and the same as there are seven deadly sins, I have more than seven deadly traits which often kill me, even though I am very much alive.
But wait –
More than anything else, I have countless chances and endless abilities to recover or change and improve my life from this point onward.
There are countless choices, almost like switches to different light bulbs.
I can certainly power the light above my doubts. Or I can let my hopes become draped in the darkness until finally, there is no spark left and I am either too old or too weak to defend myself
Rage . . .
Ah you, my oldest and longest remaining friend.
I know what you do.
I know all about you and your results:
The lights go out.
Or maybe . . .
Maybe my rage can be compared to a shark when entering that craze of a feeding frenzy.
My eyes close but I can see. My thoughts are behind me and in the forefront, all I do is move and react.
All I do is destroy and shred the world with the teeth of my contempt.
.
I become mindless and outraged; and this lasts for days sometimes, or this lingers until the frenzy ends and all the meat is gone.
Rage . . .
Nothing is more deadly than blind rage.
Nothing blinds me more than the crazy hysterics of my deepest outrage and yet, rage and I have kept each other company for longer than I can remember.
Old friends . . .
getting together . . .
One could argue that rage kept me safe when fear was too loud and the ideas made me too weak.
One could argue rage kept me numb and so, rather than feeling, I reacted.
I responded and created a safer distance which separated me from the world
But this all made sense to me once . . .
This is how I protected myself
Rage comes . . .
I see everything and yet I see nothing.
Blind fury.
I find myself in the unstoppable motion and in the moment, I cannot stop the flood as it runs through my body.
There are times when I know.
There are times when I want this to stop.
“Just stop!”
“Stop it right now.”
“No one has been hurt . . . yet!”
I wish everything would stop.
I don’t want to be mean or ruthless but when the rage comes, the rage comes on strong and so, I lose to this.
I lose my tongue.
I lose my ability to say the right thing.
I often lose the chance to apologize.
I lose to the unkind feelings and the stir which makes me crazy.
I lose . . .
And I lose to it all until finally, there is nothing left but the aftermath of a rage that never needed to go so far. All that remains is the wreckage of my past.
Dead. Gone
And buried.
I have memories to which I tie my greatest regrets.
I wish I never said what I said.
But I did.
I said what I said.
And, in the end I always found myself asking the same questions.
What the hell was I thinking?
Why did I do that?
Was I so angry?
Was this an act?
Was this a charade?
Was any of this worth it?
And why?
Was this nothing more than a self-destructive time bomb?
And boom! I exploded intentionally by accident and on purpose and BOOM!
I exploded without hesitation because finally; I had a good enough reason to lose control.
I had enough reason to lose my mind and, in the end, I was only looking for an excuse to shoot back or shoot to kill with a rage that drew more blood than necessary.
I am not a child anymore and therefore, I have no right or excuse, nor do I have a reason to fly off the handle or punch the wall, so-to-speak.
Rants can become dangerous.
and, if it is true and “man is as he thinketh,” then I have to think better and be etter before my rage becomes me or I become “it.”
Fear –
Ah, you and I know each other longer than my time before the womb. Or so I suppose.
Fear.
You and I have stayed up late at night, and you and I have compared notes and created problems that did not exist.
I have dug myself deeper while looking backwards and trying to move forwards
And no . . .
This was not good.
And often enough, this was deadly.
I always seem to hit the same walls or I find myself at the same dead-ends and starting over or going back to the beginning for the same reasons.
Fear—
No one is coming.
No one is laughing anymore and if anyone does laugh or if anyone comes, then let them.
We are not weak anymore.
We are not small.
We are not submissive and nor do we need to excuse or allow anyone to come too close when deep down, we know their intentions do not have our best interests at heart.
But vengeful thinking returns with vengeful actions and vengeful actions create a self-imprisonment which grows worse with every brick and stone that builds the walls around my world
I know you are afraid and I can feel this.
I know why
I know your stories and I know your shame.
I know you perfectly and for me to say “I don’t know” when asked about why you and I have lived as we have or react as we did is just a lie.
I know you well and more, I know all about you as a child.
I know what happened.
I know what it took when you realized the things that were done to you.
And I know the shame.
I know about the internal disgust.
I know about the pain and the worries you had that at one point, I understand the fears that all of this is going to come back and punish you again.
And to you, my dearest of all.
To you, my sweetest depression and to your twin and the angst of my anxiety, —you are not so clever and nor are you so clear.
In the end, I know why we revolt against the world.
I know why we detest so much and hate too often.
I know why.
But in fact, we have more love than hate and as deep as we can hate, you and I have the ability and the capacity to love ten times more.
I never liked the sight of my reflection in the mirror; at least, not when my bouts of shame or the aftermath of my fights were clear and present.
It’s the look in my eyes.
It’s the look on my face, as if the doom and the demons are all present and accounted for.
In the end; I hated that look or the ever-knowing stare I’d give myself in the mirror.
I hated the ugly features of myself/
I hated the knowing look I’d give myself in the mirror after I lost control or I lost my temper.
There is more to me than these parts but I am fine to start here.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow is a new time and of course, tomorrow is a great opportunity to tell you about all the changes I made
Today—
