The darker mornings amaze now, and yet, I am no stranger to the change of seasons and nor is it unfamiliar to me that days grow shorter in the wintertime and the nights grow longer.
However, I am amazed at how fast times change hands and hence, I am amazed at the hour and the darkness since it was recent that the sun stayed out later and woke earlier.
I used to stay out until dawn. I used to break the night and see the sunrise from different places after long nights in the City.
I have memories of being young and of course, I swore that I was defiant and perhaps resilient. I swore that I could stay young, somehow, but again; time and age are always undefeated.
I am old now. I am not ancient and nor am I elderly and yet, my age is at the verge of senior and elderly benefits to which I laugh a little as I shake my head.
Time escaped me.
I can say this for sure.
And in some ways, life escaped me. I have lived, despite my life and I have died alive more times than I can count.
Death occurs in so many ways and although we die often in life; we only truly die once.
I don’t want to die now.
Not like this.
Not yet.
I stand firm in what I am about to share with you. And so, I might not be much to some. And while who I am is more than the sum of who I could have been; I am someone, nevertheless and thus; I need to set the record straight because I want to be clear and heard and concise and to the point.
Therefore—
I do not want to be simple or good and nor am I here to reach an average level which means that I am “good enough” because to me, being “enough” is equal to or at a similar level as commonplace and typical.
I do not claim any kind of perfection. I look the way I look and speak how I speak and so, my right to be unique and distinguished is my right to be more than just common or similar and my fate deserves more than to walk or meander with the faceless or indistinguishable.
No one has to notice me.
No one has to care.
No one has to see me shine or note the way I enter a room.
I am fine to be unnoticed by the rest of the word because I am not here to please anyone else and nor am I here for the world’s pleasure.
I am here for mine.
And so—
Let me be me
Let me send my thoughts to the stars.
Let me tell my secrets and keep them between us.
Let me dream. Let me stand on my own two feet.
Let me find my core so that I can learn and understand the value of my strength and understand what it means to keep myself strong.
Let my legs carry me to the unexpected places so that I can witness life and experience life. Let me do this and live firsthand instead of living vicariously or learning through the benefit of someone else’s math.
Let me learn to add and subtract and multiply on my own. Let me answer and understand the substance and the math of my own equation. Allow me to understand and realize that I am always the square root to my own equation.
Let me learn this so that I am not divided or fractioned and less-than who I am.
No. Let me be me.
All of me.
Let me live, love, laugh and learn without excuses and apologies.
let me give all I have and if I am to return and if I am to find the return on my investments; then let me win, lose, or draw on my own and without fear.
Let me learn the value behind the dignity it takes to walk away and more, let me know the truest worth of what it means to be true to myself or as it is said; to thine own self be true.
Let me surpass the inestimable versions of regular or everyday life
Let me be me. Rich or poor, and without the distinction or labels and without the status or the definitions of society.
Let me define me.
Let me be me without the need to fit or prove myself.
Let me love more wildly than a trillion stallions running east down the shores of the longest, white sand beach, and let me look at her as if to feast from her. And when I see her, let me hold her now and forever, and more than this; when my love breaks the mold, then let me hold this love longer than the heavens have ever held the sky.
Let me.
Please.
No.
I do not want to be good enough, per se.
I want to be more and so, if this were to be the figurative embodiment of me and my immortal cup, then God forgive me, and let my cup overflow. Let me overflow and live with the presence of life. Let me enjoy the presence so that I will forever be present instead of elsewhere because I find that when we are elsewhere, we miss the most sacred and simple things that life has to offer.
Allow me my life without the worry of judgment (or parole) or the so-called sentence from unfair judgement which come from a jury of my so-called peers
I have no peers.
I have no home, no king aside from the belief in a Great and Almighty Being to which I admit my struggles to, and despite my bowed head and moments of prayer as I confess with my soul, my heart, and with my mouth the direct harm and the exact nature of my wrongs; I am a walking faithless and afraid and often; I am a man with no God nor a God of my understanding.
I am more than the proposed “12 steps,” which I used to base the change of my life upon. I am more than the stains of my stigmas.
I am more than this and more than all else; I am more than my compilation of events and more, I am consecutively more than my wins and losses and the postmortem of my yesterdays. I am more than all things which are gone, dead, and buried.
And yet –
I still love all which are gone, dead, and buried.
I don’t want to be enough.
I don’t need to be defined by the descriptions of perfection because as I see it; love and life and the divinity of my soul has is perfectly defined as me
I am me
I am this, both perfectly and without apology; I am exactly who I am supposed to be.
No more. No less.
I do not want to be a choice, nor do I want to be chosen but more, I want to be bonded by fate and matched, met, and paired without question.
There are no choices
There is no other decision.
fate is not by choice but by selection and so, if this is true; let my fate choose me and let this be more glorious than the coming of the sun or the return of the moon.
I do not want to be good enough and chosen as if there are other choices or options available. I do not want this because if my assessment of life is true, then I estimate the hands of fate and the span of destiny to be infinite. Infinite and ingoing and endless, timeless and unalterable.
Therefore, what I want and who I am cannot be paired to someone because of happenstance.
I can only be paired by the hands of fate and the infinite span of destiny’s decision to place me where I am.
If it is up to me, who I love is not love by choice
No
I love you because I was born for you
I do not love you because I or you are enough but more, we are more than enough because the two of us were born for this:
For us
For life or longer
Until destiny do us part
I am not more nor am I any less nor different and at minimum; I have to be “me” at all cost and to the best of my ability.
I have to be true to this (and to you) because otherwise, I run the risk of misplacing my fate and leaving my future in the hands of an unwanted destiny –
without you
and that is not a place where I want to be
Understand?
