This question is not to be taken lightly and nor does this question have to mean everything, but it does. The question is not light by any means. However, the question I am about to ask myself does not have to weigh so heavily or weigh me down.
No.
To be fair to all sides including me, myself and I or with the idea of being fair to my mind, body and soul, questions like the following are often unanswered if not avoided.
And of course, there is always a reason why we run and hide.
Therefore, let me stand and face the time
Rather than escape the truth; I realize the cold, hard fact that when it comes to saving face; you cannot save your ass and your face at the same time
And ah, the plagues of ego and pride.
The problems of self and how they degrade me.
Let me engage instead of avoiding and rather than deny the so-called “elephant in the room,” let me answer for myself now, or forever hold my peace.
I believe there is a time to answer for yourself
And first, if I am to answer to the exact nature of my wrongs; then I have to answer one question before any others.
What am I so afraid of?
This is a great question.
My biggest fears are that my greatest tragedies are alive and well and that they will always linger and that above all; all of my wrings and my tragedies and casualties are adding and counting. I can imagine and almost here my flaws adding like negative numbers and calculating like the sound of an old adding machine that keeps tallying my mistakes. I see my demons and their stations or how they multiply my faults to divide me from my greater thinking.
I see it this way. I imagine this like an evil bookkeeper who punches my numbers into a machine and their tallies add on a large roll of white paper which is only a few inches wide and recording my losses in dark red ink.
like blood . . .
My fears are that my inadequacies outweigh me by a thousand times and the farther I move away from chaos and fear, the further I go and the further I am, the farther I move away from the person I hope to be.
I see the reverse cycle of life, almost like a spiraling funnel in which case; I lose my life like water loses to a drain.
I am afraid.
Deathly afraid.
No wait.
I am petrified.
I am scared that all of my beauties are plastic and frail and that my only protection is to hide my treasures to keep them away. Any of my value and any of my worthiness is hidden and buried because I have keep my treasures unharmed and sworn to secrecy.
I have to bury these things. I have to hide my treasures.
I have to wear masks and disguises to keep me from being noticed and so, no matter how I shine when I am alone of in the dark; I will never be discovered or recognized.
I will never be seen or noticed or valued because I am too afraid that my hidden gems will fail beneath the light of a brighter truth—and further, my fears are the truth of my beauty will become a lie and so, my fear is that I will become ugly. Or at best, I will only be unwanted and forgotten like scattered dust after its banishment by the wind.
My greatest fear is that I hopeless and weak and more, I fear that I am drowning in an unknown dungeon because whether I can share, compete, or coexist or not; one of my greatest fears is that I have what it takes by my dots cause me to never try.
Maybe I can reach the top.
Maybe I can jump high.
Maybe I can do far more than my beliefs allow me to believe.
Maybe I am far more capable than I believe; however, my greatest fear is that I listen to my demons and fall to the tricks of their smoke and mirrors enough to believe their lives are otherwise completed and so; their lies will become my truth
And what is my truth?
I am more than my fears.
I am more than my strengths.
I am more than more because more than any of this; I am not my thoughts or my fears.
No. I am simply a man who saw too many falls to believe that anyone of this can fly as high as my dreams.
I am here
Send me
Let me defy my dreams and more
let me improve my truth
One dream
at a time . . .
More than anything . . .
. . . I am afraid that I made the wrong choice and all of this could have been avoided, if i had only taken a leap of faith
and believed in myself
