When I arrived at your facility, I was still shaky at best. I was not sober for very long and the whispering urges were still with me. So was the attitude and so were scams that come with every wise-ass kid trying to prove himself. I weighed just over 100lbs and my skin was beginning to come back to a natural color. My eyes were sunken with dark rings beneath them and my ribs poked from the sides of my body. I was not ready to give up my addiction and I was even less willing Continue reading
in memory: a lesson from the farm
I sat in the back pew of an upstate church with the February sun leaking in through the stained glass windows. The room was cold and empty. The wooden benches were cold to the touch and the silence was loud enough to make my ears ring.
My hands were cold because the heat was turned down. My thoughts were scattered and my stomach growled because my breakfast was only half-portioned.
Outside, the sky was a brilliant shade of winter blue with long faded strips of Continue reading
a small getaway
I want to sit in my car, turn the key, and take you to small place in a quiet town. I want to go beyond the tall city buildings and away from the hustling grind of the everyday businesses, away from the senseless chatter of meaningless complaints, and away from the everyday energies that drain us from our dreams. I want to drive over the George Washington Bridge and through the valleys and mountains that make our upstate drives as scenic as they are.
I want to drive along I-80 into the State of Continue reading
A Way to the Heart
I believe in the healing power of a home cooked meal. I say there is nothing as heartwarming or welcoming as a table filled with plates of food, because food is love, and aside from the nutritional value is the beautiful gesture that comes during its preparation.
Some of my warmest memories are linked to great meals. Some of the memories are from crowded family tables and some are more intimate and candlelit. Like the time I made acorn squash, mashed with butter and sweetened with brown sugar. I plated this with chicken and served it as the first meal I ever prepared for the girl that became my wife.
Food is love . . .
After a long day at work, I had the kind of day that left my bones aching and my Continue reading
butterflies and the times
I began my shift at 5:00 this morning, and like most days, I started with a cup of coffee, a long stretch, which followed with a loud yawn, and then I changed out of my clothes and into my uniform. I grabbed my tools and did the best I could to wipe the sleep from my face. I was stationed on the 11th floor and waiting for the water to drain from the building’s sprinkler system.
After running through different stairwells and shutting different valves, it was time to drain, and wait for the repairs.
One of the interesting facts of my location is the building was completed in 1927. It was the tallest building in the world . . . for six months. And sometimes after demolition, I find things tucked in Continue reading
A quick morning thought.
This morning, I sat on a bench on the platform where the morning train carries its share of bodies into a constantly moving city. I faced south because the south side was the sun’s side. Its early orange globe began its hike above the morning horizon, and other than a few strips of pastel clouds, the sky was beautiful and clear.
Below at street level, Sunrise Highway scattered with an early version of life, which would soon congest with traffic, and angry drivers behind steering wheels would complain about other drivers on their cell phones and curse at the rearview mirror about the cars that tailgate behind them. Continue reading
Junkie Poem: Nods and Metaphors
Tiny bells chime in my ears and the world becomes soft.
The rush pulls me in and I am overrun
I am overtaken and swallowed into the warmth of beautiful lies
Outside . . . an ambulance keeps passing my window.
It’s the same one, I think,
and the whispers I hear have apparently arrived. Continue reading
the mechanics of sanity
Like any morning, I was up earlier than anyone else in my home. I paid my respects to the coffee gods, and after pressing the magical blue button on the coffee machine, I poured myself a cup, and then I made my way into the room I refer to as my section of the world.
I never change this room much. I keep it as is, and when the sun comes up, I twist the clear plastic rod to crack open the blinds and let the sunlight in.
This is part of my daily process; this how I prepare myself for the day and this is where I sort out the thoughts that clog inside my head.
I have a similar process during the sunset, and whenever possible, I like to Continue reading
The Girl of my Dreams
After all the turns and changes in my life; after all the pitfalls and poor choices,
I knew that somewhere in this world there was love for me.
I dreamt of you once, though I’m not sure if I ever told you about it.
You were sitting on the steps of a green wooden porch in front of a white shingled house.
There was a screen door behind you, which was white with black screens, and the inside door behind it was partially opened.
This was somewhere in an upstate cottage or bungalow and you were smiling.
I don’t remember anything else about the dream.
I only remember you sitting on the porch . . . and your smile.
It was perfect.
I was very young then. I didn’t know who you were or Continue reading
It works . . .
My friend Jack once told me, “Kid, the best revenge is good living.”
It was my last day in treatment and I followed through with the usual handshakes, farewell hugs, and the well-wishes that came from the other patients.
The morning flew by and my bags were already packed, but there was something stagnant about Continue reading
The Written Addiction 