After the last conversation I had with The Old Man while he was still clear enough to speak I told him, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Pop.”
I never said the word, “Goodbye,” because the word goodbye is too permanent and I was too afraid of losing him.
I never say the word Continue reading
Not always, but when I hear the sound a cigarette lighter makes after a thumb rolls down to spark the flint that starts the flame, it immediately brings me back to a time of wild chaos.
I am reminded of a place where the curtain was drawn closed and the thin off-white horizontal blinds beneath them, which were beaten and bent, were Continue reading
The hardest part of my fall from grace was not the next day or the day after. The hardest part is when I could not run away anymore. I could not deny what I had done
I held on to the secret of my relapse like a dirty lie that continued to whisper in my ear. Six months away the farm, and I gave in. The actual time of my relapse happened long before I found myself on Rockaway Parkway in a minivan filled with stolen equipment. There were steps leading up to my failure. There were obvious warning signs, but noticing them meant I would have to do something about. Noticing the signs I saw meant I would have to face some painful truths.
When asked about this time in my life, I always explain that I Continue reading
Something I know and I will always know is that Daddy’s little girl, no matter how she grows or where she goes; she will always be Daddy’s little girl. I cannot say what it means to have a son. I never had a little boy. I only have a little girl. I cannot say what the bond is like to have otherwise; I can only tell you what it feels like when a tiny girl’s life looks at you for the first time and says the words, “Da-Da,” which eventually transforms into the word, “Daddy” or Dad.”
There have been books written about parenting. There have been men, very much like myself, who have recorded their Continue reading
And you want to run . . .
. . .you really do
but you can’t . . .
You can’t because there’s nowhere to go
too many people depend on you
you want to hide but there’s no place to go
You think to yourself,
“It would be nice if Continue reading
I want to go someplace . . .
I want to be somewhere far away from the city where people smile and say hello. I want be where the wind sounds like music, and where rainfall is beautiful like a fairytale or a lullaby.
I want go someplace where the Continue reading
I can only control so much. The rest is out of my hands.
And I know this.
When I was a boy, The Old Man decided to plant a small garden on the side of the house. He chose the side of the house because our dogs had run of the backyard. We cleaned after the dogs—we even set up a dog pen, which our dogs, Tammy and Devin eventually learned to use, and rather than Continue reading
White smoke breaks the tension
to euthanize the strain
As you inhale, a small reaction
begins from the central nervous station,
which at last
echoes outward in soft tremors
that dissolve in blood
and flush the system with beautiful waves
of amazing chaos. Continue reading
There I was, curled up in a corner and hidden in the moonlit night behind two trash cans against the side of a single family home. The house was in the middle of the block on a quiet street in an otherwise quiet town. I could not get my bearings as to why I was there or why I had to run. I was unsure of my whereabouts and unsure where to go.
Breathing heavy, I waited and watched a police car slowly creep from down the corner and drive down the street like a predator lurking for its prey.
There was a bright light beaming through the night and shining from Continue reading
Just around sunrise over a bridge out east at a place called Shinecock canal, I imagine myself with The Old Man. The sky is laced with clouds holding the various colors of morning and the winds are cool. I imagine this as it was, my first fishing trip with The Old Man.
We woke early. The Old Man dressed me as warmly as possible. My little body was stuffed in a combination of Continue reading
