From Bedtime Stories for the Insomniac

They say man can be his own worst enemy. I suppose anyone can be their own worst enemy when given to the wrong persuasion. No matter how wealthy or poor; no matter how fortunate one could be in the gene pool of life and regardless to whether someone is born into the wealthiest of homes or in the poorest of families; people can be their own worst downfall.
And it isn’t easy to weave through life. Not at all. In fact, life is the toughest test of all. Think about it. Think back to when we were sitting in a classroom at a desk, which if we saw now, that desk would be so incredibly small to us and it would be almost unthinkable to believe that we were once as small; but nevertheless, think back to the days when we were unprepared for a pop quiz.
Life is like this too. The things we saw as huge are small now. Perhaps this is because we have outgrown them. Or, maybe the threats of intensity has changed. And when I say pop quiz, think back, because if we think about this we tend to realize that we learned more about life in the hallways of school than we did in the classroom. The quizzes were different though. We learned how to interact. We learned about the in and out tides of social interactions, who to befriend, and who not to.

Think about this from an emotional standpoint. Think about the inner secrets and discomforts and the way we learned to protect them. And me, I think about my subtle imperfections that seemed so painfully and enormously obvious enough to trigger the electricity of insecure and irrational behavior. And when this happens, I think of sayings like, “Throwing gas on the fire.” And when it comes to personal awkwardness or insecurity, and when it comes to heartbreak or hard feelings; we don’t mean to but nevertheless, we throw gas on the fire.

I have often discussed this thing I have, which I accurately describe as emotional quicksand —and the harder I try, the deeper I sink, and then next thing I know I have this petrified feeling of being exposed, which to me, would be the same as drowning in a sea of heavy regret.

I never understood why people are the way they are. We defy our own logic. We sabotage ourselves —and I know there is always inventory behind this. I know there is a reason why we get in our own way —I know that emotional reasoning has nothing to do with logic. But still, as man and women alike; we have this amazing ability to spiral out of control on our own without any help from anyone else, whatsoever.

In truth, this is why I write as often as possible. Take now, for example. There are things, which I have said at the spur of the moment and things I have done, which I wish that never happened. However, my feelings on these subjects are moot because off all things, nothing is more unchangeable than yesterday or the day before it.

I am wholeheartedly human. I have feelings and faults. I have fears and insecurities and sometimes, interact with these things to the point of exhaustion. In which case, I misuse my energy and find myself caught in the sinking feeling of, “Oh my God, what the hell did I just do?”
Again, I am heartily human which means I have dreams and aspirations. I am equally capable to create or destroy either end of this spectrum. Simply put —my decision process begins and ends with me, which means I have the right to dictate and determine my direction. I just need to learn how to get out of my way sometimes.

But how does one do this? And what does it mean to, “Stay out of your own way”?

I think what has to happen is a sense of realization. I think what needs to happen is an understanding of our thought process. In my case, I need to remember thoughts are not real. They can be misleading and misdirected by perception. I need to understand thoughts are not feeling and feelings are different from emotion. The only way I can stay out of my own way is by taking care of this through means of personal maintenance. And when I lack maintenance, I am like any machine that runs without proper care —inevitably and eventually; I break down.serenityzz11

I wrote something to myself a long time ago. It’s funny how we find things at a moment when we need them most. Bob Dylan once wrote, “My weariness amazes me, I’m branded on my feet. I have no one to meet. And the ancient empty street’s too dead for dreaming.” This comes from the song, Mr. Tambourine Man, which has a lot of different meanings to me and the meanings have changed as I’ve grown throughout the years.
My life is not meant to be chasing shadows or find myself misdirected by own inaccuracies. True, I will make mistakes. However, if I choose to, I can find a benefit behind my unfortunate facts and say, “at least I know what needs to change. Now, the only thing left to do is decide when and where I want to start.”

And some days —some days, I wake up and the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and in spite of everything, I find there is beauty in my heart, which I need to nurture and be mindful of or else I will give in and find myself in shadows instead of enjoying the warmth of the sun.

Anne Frank once wrote, “In spite of everything, I still believe people are good at heart.” This comes from a young girl’s diary while hiding in an unthinkably small place living without any sound because if found, her and her entire family would be sent to the death camps, like Bergen-Belson in Germany, which is where she and her sisters died of typhus and their bodies were tossed in a mass grave, or bulldozed, is probably more like it but yet still she writes, “In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.”

(I had to step away for a second and wipe the tears from my eyes, refocus, and exhale because I’ve read other pieces from Anne Frank and it amazed me how in her short life, she lived  more than perhaps anyone I’ve ever met.)

In closing the note I found read as follows and I could not have found this at a better time, which is why I am posting this here to share with you

You do know that awareness comes with time . . . 
What happens somehow, the reasons behind everything we went through becomes so amazingly clear. We see ourselves from a different angle, which changes our point of view, and changes our perception on the way we see things. What happens is the reason behind our purpose in life turns on like a bright light that was otherwise off for such a long time.

Life evolves whether we expect it to or not. Life changes, and you get the opportunity to say the simplest things like, “Don’t cry,” to someone you care about or you say, “I love you,” to the woman you’ve always dreamed about.

Eventually, life comes along and shows proof, which you interpret as meaningful, and you get to see something so profound, like your own reflection in the mirror—and that’s when you realize that you are beautiful too.

Some days I see this and recognize my strengths. Some days I forget and interact with the wrong thoughts. I misuse my energy and give in to the deception of my own perception.

But deep down —I know there’s a purpose
And somehow, I just know there’s love out there for me too.

(Because of you)

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