From The Daddy Diaries: A Thought From My Morning Drive

I love my early morning drives. . . .
I love how the sun comes up from behind me and paints the horizon in pastel shades of purple and peach.
I love it this way. The world, I mean, I love the quiet.
I love the ring in my ears due to the absence of sound.

There is just me and my thoughts, the open road,
which is mainly a straightaway along the Palisades Parkway.
The East is to the right of me and the West is to my left.
I can see the Hudson River as I drive from the opposite side of the George Washington Bridge.
I will be inbound soon, across the bridge and heading into crowded territory with tall mirrored buildings casting reflections of the morning sky and tall spires poking upwards from the tops of skyscrapers, as if to poke directly into the downward facing palm of God the Father’s hand.

Music is everything during a drive like this.
The selection I choose to listen to is important.
I like to listen to classics—or, well, at least I like to listen to my version of classic songs that take me back to different times and different places.

I like to listen to songs that bring back memories from times, like say, when life was less intense and nothing was so tragic or crucial.
There is a song I think of whenever I imagine myself out there in the ocean, running along, offshore, and piloting a boat of my dreams while listening to a song called “The Downeaster Alexa.”
I think of me here, in my pilothouse of my ship with the throttles pushed forward and burning diesel as I head out to an unknown place I have never seen but always dreamed about.

I inevitably transition to the lullaby called, “Goodnight My Angel,”
I think of the words, so poignant and true.
“Someday we’ll all be gone,
but lullabies go on and on.
They never die.
That’s how you and I will be.”
I think of you, my youngest heart, my daughter, my child, and the woman you will be one day.
I think of all I wish I could show you (or explain) but as I dream for you,
I know that time does not belong to me and neither does the right to dictate or determine things which are far beyond my control.

Someday, I think I will find my way out to this place I dream about.
I want to go here and be there and share this with you because this is my deepest wish.
This is my most sacred place.
It’s beautiful here

I am at peace here, with the waves, which move in the anonymous tides so that I can become part of the sea, which covers the Earth.
I think of this place and call it my freedom—the sea, the ocean blue, the tides, the waves that crash into sand and then return to sea.
I am free here, at peace, and beautiful

I believe with all my heart the sea is that which absorbs the sadness of the world and all its thoughts.
It washes the shoreline of its useless sediments by replenishing the sands before receding out with the tides.
I see this place as my vision of hope. This is where I envision myself, far from everything and anything man-made, and drifting across the rolling waves to cleanse the mind and refresh my soul.

I was thinking of my dream this morning.
I was thinking of what it would be like to be pushing up through the Hudson with The City on one side and Jersey on the Other.
I could leave with you. . . go someplace, or go no place at all,
but either would be fine because I would be outward bound, floating free on the seas of a whole new life
with you.

I go back to the lyrics of that lullaby.
“And like a boat out on the ocean, I’m rocking you to sleep.
The water’s dark and deep inside this ancient heart.
You’ll always be a part of me.”

I think of this part of the song.
I think the way love passes from one to another.
I think of the true bond between father and daughter,
which is free of complication and free of any problems which we might have had in the past.
I think of love and how love is love—and of all love; I know that a Father’s love is infinite, like the ocean and the ocean’s depths which carry all the sentiment in a Father’s heart.

I know this:
No matter where a Father is; I know that no matter how the tragedies may have come to be or whatever circumstances may have come to us in life;
I know a Father’s love is a Father’s love,
and as such, it is unbreakable.

One day, all of your questions will be answered.
And when they are, you will realize how unimportant those answers were. But wherever you are, I will be there, just like the sea, here to love you. Here to comfort you And here to absorb your teardrops,
should they ever fall

Never forget this please.
This means everything to me.
And you . . .
One day you will know how much I love you and how,
“In your heart, there will always be a part of me.”

Goodnight sweet angel

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