The ideas we have about you and me or us and anyone else are only as real as we make them out to be. The truth is either way, no matter what we do or what happens next, the sun will continue to go up in the morning and the moon will always take its place in the sky at night. The notion that either you or I will be able to re-litigate the past or change something beyond our control is crazy, but yet, here we are trying as hard as we can to change something we have no control over (like yesterday, for example).
All we have is this, right here and right now. All we have is our energy. All we have is our ability, which is really unstoppable when we use it properly.
Now, let’s see. Where were we? Oh, that’s right, we were talking about the things we cannot change. Like the past. Like the mistakes we made or the regrets that keep us awake at night. And then there’s that word again. There’s that word rejection, which in fact, is where all roads lead when it comes to unresolved tensions and ideas that refuse to leave us alone.
No matter what happens, no one can ever stop us from improving. No one can take away our rights to better ourselves. Besides, even when it seems like the judgement of others is difficult to get around and even if it seems like we can’t get out from behind our past, the truth is this is only an illusion.
No one can stop us from trying. No one can stop us from building our dreams and no one can stop us from reaching for the stars. This does not mean it’ll all work out. This does not mean anything or everything will be easy. This doesn’t mean anyone will pay us. And this doesn’t mean that our dreams will be meaningful to someone else. Either way, no one can stop us from improving and trying to advance our position from one spot to the next.
There will always be someone with something to say. And be advised, not everyone is a fan. There will always be someone looking for the cracks in your story and if there’s a fault, there will always be someone looking to point this out.
To be honest (and I mean, why lie?), if I could change things from my past or go back and whisper in my ear, yes, I would absolutely intervene. I would punch the old me on a few occasions. If I could reach back and choke the “Me” of my past, I know I would strangle him. But I can’t so why waste the energy? Of course, I would tell me to walk away when I had the chance.
The funny thing is whenever I look at my past and wish I could go back and tell me to “Get away from there,” there was always something or someone telling me the same thing. I just never listened. And that’s why I was caught. That’s also why I have regrets. See, most aren’t honest about this. Most say they’re sorry. Most don’t admit that they’re not sorry for what they did. No, they’re only sorry they got caught. And me, I’m sorry for the pain this caused. I’m sorry for the shame this caused. I’m sorry for the damages my regrets have left behind. I’m sorry that I’ve lost sleep over this and I’m sure you have too. I’m sorry for a long list of things. And again, I’m sure I’m not alone here.
As I write this to you, I just allowed myself a serious exhale. In essence, this exhale was done as a means of pardon. There has to come a time when I pardon myself from what I’ve done because what I’ve done is gone, dead, and buried. There’s no going back now. There’s no changing my steps. There’s no changing the outcome of unfortunate conversations. There’s only “Now” and what I do with “Now,” is what makes all the difference.
I heard someone once say, “Aren’t you tired of carrying that around with you?” Of course. Who isn’t tired of their regrets these days. Someone asked if I could wish for something, what would it be.
I wish there was a cure.
I wish there was a vaccine.
I wish there was a way to say goodbye and not feel lonely afterwards.
I wish there was a time machine.
I wish everything tasted as good and was as meaningful to me as Mom’s chicken cutlets and mashed potatoes. Her cinnamon toast was pretty good too, by the way.
I wish I could eat whatever and not worry about my weight.
I wish looks were not the main focus and that beauty was seen differently.
I wish there were no such things as virus or cancer.
I wish a heart attack was only a figure of speech and otherwise, in my world, there would be no such thing.
I wish there was a button I could push and suddenly, pain, depression, mental illness, suicide, overdoses, alcoholism, and a long list of other things would simply go away.
I wish the past wasn’t this thing we hold onto because the truth is the past isn’t even real anymore. It’s only a distraction. And so is rejection.
I wish love took place over all the other nonsense.
I wish people knew how to talk with one another without arguing or hitting below the belt.
I wish I was better at Your Momma jokes. This would have made the playground a lot easier when I was a kid.
I wish people were strong enough to accept our weaknesses instead of compromising our strengths to compensate for the things we’re not strong enough to handle (did you get that?).
I wish love was really love, and not judged by you or anyone else.
I wish religion was not organized by people that have self-righteous goals.
I wish we all had erasers so we could wipe out our regrets.
I wish therapy worked for everyone.
I wish the past was just the past.
I wish an apology was sufficient; this way people wouldn’t have to say “sorry” all the time.
I wish I wasn’t so preoccupied when I’m not at my best. And I know I’m not alone with this. I think we all go through bouts of distraction as a result of moments of weakness.
I wish there was a way to feel euphoric and orgasmic at the same time without this being a threat to health, safety, and the benefit of our community and our loved ones alike.
I wish we could all have the chance to sign up and be part of our dreams without worry or dismay.
If I had three wishes, I suppose I would wish for more because there’s always more. We always want more. Then again, I wish we were satisfied, which means we wouldn’t always need more because we would always have enough. Maybe this way our greed wouldn’t be what it is.
I wish we could see beauty over ugly and realize that ugly isn’t really ugly at all. I wish I had more time to write this wish list.
I think we’re onto something here.
I like this because this allows me a moment of distraction:
to detach from regretful ideas
to refocus on what beauty exists
and to realize that mistakes don’t make us ugly.
In fact, mistakes don’t make us at all.
We make them. They don’t make us
(unless we let them).