A Note From The Divorced: To Recover

There are basic motivations in life. There are motivations to be, to think and to feel a certain way. There are also certain motivators to keep us moving in a preferred direction. Ideas and thoughts lead us to the end results of feelings and emotions, which trigger a sense of need, desire and urgency. Motivation is neither positive or negative. Instead, motivation is an energy source in need of direction. The direction of our energy depends upon our motivator as a primary drive. 

The motive itself is what causes a person to act or react, move, speak, incentivize or to create a goal to result in a desired effect. Victory is an excellent motivator. Satisfaction is excellent too. However, so are shame and fear. Blame and guilt are excellent motivators. Above all, pain is an amazing motivator. The motivation to feel and be is the end result. Hence, the idea of recovery is also an excellent motivator. This is to redeem one’s self, to feel better, to be able to face one’s self in the mirror without the feeling of personal distaste and to see our reflection without the feeling of disgust or regret.

Lonesomeness is a powerful motivator, which can also act as a distraction from truthful goals. It is important to know this because of the resulting fears and feelings over the ideas of being alone. This can cause irrational ideas to miscalculate the road ahead of us. It is important to understand that irrational ideas and emotional thinking can lead to misunderstandings and misperceptions of feelings over facts.

Shame is perhaps the most powerful motivator because shame is the painful feeling arising from the conscious ideas of something dishonorable or disgraceful. Shame is a mark which may or may not be seen by anyone else; however, shame is the susceptibility to the hurtful ideas of exposure and public humiliation. This stems from the ideas of being seen as imperfect or horribly wrong. Shame is a strong motivator because this encompasses fear, pain, regret, blame, guilt, and of course the mother of them all; shame represents the handle that opens up the umbrella of rejection.

A motivator is the prime driver. This is what makes people move in a direction. This provides the energy to feed our motivation. Yet, still, motivation needs a direction. Motivation needs a purpose to maintain its energy. Motivation can be to improve or destroy, which in turn can lead a person to either their own self-destruction or their own personal resurrection.

To each their own, which means we all have our own sources of motivation. We all have our primary and secondary motives. We each have our sights and our visions for what we want. And sometimes, life has a way of contradicting us. Sometimes life has a way of exposing our elements of shame. Sometimes life’s terms are painful and unfair. 

Channeling our motivation towards a greater benefit is an important skill. It is a talent to find one’s purpose and to seek the higher ground; to be, to build, to create in spite of fallout and to grow regardless of the rejective ideas that come with life’s distractions is truly a valuable skill set.

There comes a point where shame can only go so low. There comes a time where pain can only hurt so much. There comes a time when healing is the only option. Otherwise, we sink into the inner-most mournful ways of depressive ideas; never to reach our goals and never to feel better or breathe easily. Eventually, there comes a time when recovery is our only option. There comes a time when we have no other choice but to stand up because the pain of being down for so long is insurmountable.

There comes a time when the rejection can only last so long. Eventually, acceptance has to take place. We have to surrender to the unchangeableness of that which is not within our control.

I have met with fathers that lived through the painful alienation after divorce. We have shared our notes with each other and discussed our mistakes. And yet, no matter how many apologies and no matter how many ways we’ve tried to make up for past losses; eventually, there was no place left to go. There was nothing left to do but heal and recover from a loss that went out of our control.

I heard a father of three tell me, “After a while, you can only hurt so much.”
He said, “I could only be told to get lost so many times.”
He told me, “I tried and I tried  but no matter how hard I tried, the rejection only seemed to get worse.” 
I have heard fathers tell me about the advice people give them. Or, I have heard countless fathers tell me the same thing. People say, “Don’t worry. Eventually, they’ll come around and your kids will seek you out.” People say this as if it will automatically absolve the pain and make us right again.

There comes a time when people can be pushed so far away that the title they carry whether the title is father or mother, friend or loved one is eventually vanished from its previous meaning. And yes. This hurts. This hurts beyond compare. Rejection hurts. Shame hurts. Pain is painful and since this is so, all of the above make for excellent motivators. The motivation is not to be pinned down by any of this. Moreover, the motivation is in need of direction because in the case of anything beyond our control, the talent of motivation or the skill is to find a positive source of personal renovation. Otherwise, we sink. Otherwise, we sit. We find ourselves in the bottomless pit of shame, blame, guilt and fault. 

There has to be a way. There has to be a resource. There has to be an avenue or a plan and a strategy because otherwise, the direction of our energy moves inwards and we begin to emotionally implode.

There is no point in pretending that rejection does not hurt. Divorce hurts. Even when divorce is the best solution, divorce comes with its share of contemptuous ideas and rejective thinking. The idea is to not allow this way of thinking to overwhelm or overpower the skills to shape our best direction of energy. 

Remember, so long as we live and breathe, our energy is constant. Even when it seems like we have no energy, the energy is there. It is not a lack of energy. It is only the direction we nurture that leaves us feeling deflated and lost. We need a direction. We need a purpose and the resources to guide us towards our best recovery.

There came a time for me when I could no longer hold the regret or the shame. There came a time, which although this was painful, I had to accept the losses and the separation. I had to surrender to the irreparableness of that which could never be fixed. And like the prayer says, I had to look for the serenity to accept the things I could not change while finding the courage to change the things I can, and above all, I needed to find the wisdom to know the difference.

Keep in mind, we are most uncontrollable (and inconsolable) when we try to control the things that we have no control over. Eventually, the focus has to come back to us so we can recover.
Or better yet, so we can heal.
There is no shame in this. There is only the energy and the motivation to be, build, create and live a life so that we can be healthy and happy because deep down, this is the goal for us all.

It’s either be happy or die trying.

And me, I have to choose to be happy. I’ve already seen what it feels like to die trying.

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